Foster is incredibly uncomfortable--no, outright aversive--to explaining his own motives. On some level, he expects that others should either A. accept his word absolutely or B. completely disregard his thoughts and feelings.
"I can't! I can't, I can't...!"
He doesn't attack Sora--in all honesty, if he could attack himself, he would, his hands opening and closing in a futile attempt to summon meaning via words or gesture before he just grabs handfuls of his own hair in pointless frustration. His thoughts are something that don't translate into speech--a vicious, disrupting snarl he's finding impossible to untangle or tame.
"You'll use your power to prevent me from killing myself for your own comfort, but you won't end my suffering when I have to live? No... no, I don't deserve mercy... that's right, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to be discarded, to be denied and left to writhe and beg in the mud. I could... I could understand that. I could understand!! But you... that's not why. You're just hypocritical. You won't commit to your power, but you won't refuse it when it suits you."
Some people find words harder when they're upset, but Foster discovered a long time ago that the worse he feels, the clearer his thoughts emerge. As long as he doesn't have to talk about the feeling, anyway. Blaming Sora for the common shortcomings of his personal morality is easier than explaining how he's miserable and wants to die, how powerless and desperate it feels to have no control over the situation any more. How being absolved of thought, of choice, of changes he can't even begin to make, is all that matters, be it by death or vampiric mind control.
How it's better to lose himself to that feeling absolutely--to be controlled absolutely--than to struggle and fail and self-destruct in pointless violence or else wretched obscurity.
That's all he's ever wanted anyway. Someone to control him, so he doesn't have to suffer from what he has no ability to control.
no subject
Why does it matter why?
Foster is incredibly uncomfortable--no, outright aversive--to explaining his own motives. On some level, he expects that others should either A. accept his word absolutely or B. completely disregard his thoughts and feelings.
"I can't! I can't, I can't...!"
He doesn't attack Sora--in all honesty, if he could attack himself, he would, his hands opening and closing in a futile attempt to summon meaning via words or gesture before he just grabs handfuls of his own hair in pointless frustration. His thoughts are something that don't translate into speech--a vicious, disrupting snarl he's finding impossible to untangle or tame.
"You'll use your power to prevent me from killing myself for your own comfort, but you won't end my suffering when I have to live? No... no, I don't deserve mercy... that's right, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to be discarded, to be denied and left to writhe and beg in the mud. I could... I could understand that. I could understand!! But you... that's not why. You're just hypocritical. You won't commit to your power, but you won't refuse it when it suits you."
Some people find words harder when they're upset, but Foster discovered a long time ago that the worse he feels, the clearer his thoughts emerge. As long as he doesn't have to talk about the feeling, anyway. Blaming Sora for the common shortcomings of his personal morality is easier than explaining how he's miserable and wants to die, how powerless and desperate it feels to have no control over the situation any more. How being absolved of thought, of choice, of changes he can't even begin to make, is all that matters, be it by death or vampiric mind control.
How it's better to lose himself to that feeling absolutely--to be controlled absolutely--than to struggle and fail and self-destruct in pointless violence or else wretched obscurity.
That's all he's ever wanted anyway. Someone to control him, so he doesn't have to suffer from what he has no ability to control.