dorkypantsuit: (-xii)
dorkypantsuit ([personal profile] dorkypantsuit) wrote in [community profile] lostcarnival 2017-05-16 04:07 am (UTC)

It's weird having your own words tossed back at you. He knows he meant them when he said it, but they feel so false echoed back. Really his inability to stay rational wasn't even the point. It was just him, everything about him. He just wasn't meant to have people close, or to stay close to others. The one group of people he'd finally felt he belonged with he wasn't with any longer. And that was his own fault too, because his fear of consequence outweighed his love for them. If that wasn't a spectacular example of what a horrid person he really was, well... It was a perfect example. He doesn't say any of that to Ginko. His focus shifts, and he knows he's sitting beside Ginko on the bed, but it also feels as though he's watching himself from some distant part of the room.

Maybe coming here was a mistake. He said he wanted to help Ginko, and yet he hadn't done a single thing for the man sitting beside him. Still here he was, the Psionic, asking for help. It was pathetic. He wonders if he should tell Ginko what happened, if Ginko would still be willing to humor the Psionic if he knew what the troll had said. It was just so frustrating, Joker was frustrating. The Psionic knows it's not his place to share any of Joker's secrets, but at the same time he honestly didn't know what else to do or how to make any sense of this.

He looks to Ginko, eyes uncertain. There's a sort of vulnerability to his expression that hasn't been there before. He doesn't know when the things he say will cross the line. He doesn't know when he'll be revealing too much, but he knows he can't leave here without saying anything either.

"...Don't..." He sighs, looking away, reaching a hand up to push his bangs out of the way. His antennae twitch uncomfortably at the pause. "Don't talk about this to anyone else, okay?"

"There's lots of times when I can tell something's wrong with Joker. It's never anything big... He avoids certain topics. He changes the subject. He avoid's answering questions. Just little things like that."

He glances back to Ginko again before continuing. "If you push on it he pulls away... So I didn't push. I... I thought I was fine with that. But he's so damn stubborn. I didn't even do anything I didn't even find him! I came and I got him and I just asked him to come back with me, just to let me help him and that was it! But now he's avoiding me. Because I guess now if he sees me it reminds him of that or he gets embarrassed or whatever and it's so- so stupid! I don't care if he cries or if he gets drunk all night or if he eats his own sopor or whatever. I just-! I just want to be there for him, to help if I can... But now he won't even look at me."

It's an emotional tirade, and he feels exhausted and upset by the end of it. He thinks he's likely just made a fool of himself, but it was how he was feeling and everything he'd been thinking and he just needed to say it to someone finally, to hear the words outside of himself. He watches Ginko, worried he's going to get told off for being an idiot or something, but no matter what he's glad he did it. He won't regret coming here, even if it does end badly. At least then he'd know, even if what he'd know was that he was an idiot loser not worthy of friends.

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