lostcarnival | yuya needs better friends

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yuya needs better friends

Who: Yuya & Strange
What: teenager goes to check on his stupid grown-up friend
When: shortly after the radio post
Where: Strange's trailer

Strange has decided people are stupid. First Lambert yells at him for not being mad enough, now the Ringmaster yells at him for not being mad enough despite the fact that she first said she thought the conversation was a valid idea and she gave him his stupid fireproof cape back, and now Yuya's going to yell at him for some dumb reason and he's not a Nightrider anymore despite the fact that it makes tactical sense and he's stuck in research of all divisions and everything is dumb and he's going to go live in the woods with Coco as a hermit.

And now that he's gotten all his childish pouting out of the way, accidentally burned one of his shirts, and threw a plate against the wall of his trailer (it didn't help), Strange is grumpily coming to the conclusion that he can't be a hermit and he's going to have to deal with people and he should probably think of the best way to sort all this mess out as best as possible.

Strange has left his trailer door open, partly so that he'll see Yuya approach and partly because his trailer smells like burnt fabric at the moment. Sorry, Syrlya. He's sweeping up the remnants of said broken plate as Yuya approaches.

"Give me a moment," Strange calls out, before trying to finagle the broom back in the corner to sweep up the tiny shards of ceramic into the dustpan. "Alright, I think that should be it. You can come inside." His hair's burning a bit more than normal and Strange is wearing a simple white t-shirt instead of the ruined one, but Strange is desperately trying to look like a man who is collected enough for what will inevitably be a talk that he really doesn't want to do.

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Whereas Yuya thinks 'friend' is better, Strange frowns a little before shaking his head. He doesn't think that friend's a good choice of words at all.

"If I say I'm his friend, then Lambert and the Ringmaster will just start yelling at me again. 'He enthralled you, you can't be his friend' or something like that. At least with ally, it doesn't presume any feelings of that sort."

Besides, Strange still doesn't really know what he feels about Ignatius. He wants to show a bit of compassion and help him deal with these new circumstances, but 'friend?' Strange isn't too certain he wants to go directly to friend.

Yuya is all feelings all the time. He unsurprisingly goes for more charged, less duty-bound phrases.

"I meant more 'become his friend', I don't think he's going to think much of any of us right now..." Yuya scratched his cheek absently, glancing aside briefly. Even Strange, he's only known for a couple days and Strange had every intention of bailing on him by getting rescued anyway.

Then, he shrugs. "Maybe just tell him you want to help make it easier. I don't think we should be any more cruel, anyway." Being kidnapped, torn from everything... that's probably enough. Yuya doesn't think the carnival is full of cruel people, just that everyone is backed into a corner and scared. It's not really what they signed up for.

True, true. Strange nods a little at Yuya's clarification. Because he's right: the likelihood that Ignatius would think that any carnival members were slightly decent is slim to none. And he's got damn good reason to think so.

"We shouldn't. I hate the fact that this cruelty happened to begin with," Strange briefly complains, with a frown. Whereas Yuya doesn't think the carnival is full of cruel people, Strange isn't so certain about that. He adores Lambert, calls him his best friend, but that doesn't mean he can ignore the fact that Lambert is a huge dickhead. "And none of them seem repentant! Has Lambert, Syrlya, or Rita even expressed the slightest hint of regret? All of this," said with a vague gesture, "is their fault to begin with!"

"Uh--" Yuya pauses, lifting his head a little and looking uncertain. "I haven't exactly asked any of them... Rita just told me what happened."

The obvious answer to that is 'ask them yourself' but given how volatile everyone is... Yuya's not sure it wouldn't sound accusatory and end in another argument. He looks at Strange curiously. "Do you think it's bad because it was Ignatius, or if they did that to any of the Fae?"

"I think it's bad because it's torture," Strange responds, as if it's obvious. "Killing someone is one thing. But hurting them just because you can? That's barbaric."

It would have been easier for Strange to accept this had they just killed Ignatius. After all, if he had the opportunity and means to do so, Strange is fairly certain he'd at least make an attempt at killing Nightshade. But what they all did, forcing Ignatius to speak and then forcing him to relive others painful memories? Strange is a bit horrified at that.

Yuya smiles tightly, relieved it's the action itself that's the problem but not sure killing anyone is actually better.

"I... didn't feel bad for him at first." Which sounds bad, so he quickly holds a hand up before Strange can interrupt him. "I was angry! They probably were, too, but it doesn't make it right. What the Fae do, it's not any better if we do it."

He believes that much, as least. He knows that's a perspective others find too idealistic, but when his grief subsides it's hard to justify.

"I don't think killing all of them is a solution, either. There's never going to be any understanding that way."

Strange is about to interrupt, before Yuya stops him. Instead, he frowns a little, listening to what Yuya has to say. He's right, of course. The carnival has to be better than that—and Strange knows that he, personally, has to be better than that. He's accepted the fact that he's not a good person, but let's just keep it at that level instead of taking a nosedive back into terrible.

"You're right," Strange simply responds, with a nod. Strange gives Yuya a small smile before gently teasing, "We have to be better than them. But don't expect anyone else to feel that way. I know that some of the carnival would call you idealistic or naive if you brought it up."

Looking at you, Childermass.

Yuya shrugs with a smile. "I'm used to that."

He met a similar affront in Wismuth when he suggested they appeal to the Harbinger's hearts. But it worked, didn't it? Maybe it is idealistic, but... Yuya doesn't want to do any more harm, not himself.

"I don't think we'll get anywhere by hurting each other like this."

"I agree. The most that will happen is we end up with everybody hurt and nobody willing to change." Considering how Strange is aware that people call him stubborn and how easy it is for him and others to dig in their heels, that wouldn't surprise him in the slightest.

"Of course, it'd all be best if those three apologized, but I doubt that will happen."

Says the person who also needs to apologize to a lot of people.

Yuya rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know... that's part of making everything better, there's a lot of pain that everyone needs to get through. But I'm not going to ask them right now, I think everyone deserves the chance to recover first."

He rests his chin on his hand, his eyes squinting as he regards Strange. He battles internally with himself, whether or not he should say anything, before settling on gently poking the topic with a question.

"Have you and Lambert talked about what happened since you came back?"

And almost instantly, Strange's expression turns a little. Not only have they talked about what happened, they got into a dumb fight. He scowls, flames in his hair burning a little bit brighter.

"We have." And Strange looks briefly disgusted before he continues talking. "And we ended up arguing about that as well as other things. I doubt he'll ever see the foolishness of his actions."

And if he does, Strange doubts even more that Lambert would actually admit to the fact that he messed up.

Ah, it didn't go well. Yuya wasn't sure, from his slightly hazy dream talk with Lambert, but Strange is very open and obvious about that much.

Yuya chews his lip briefly. He's maybe out of his element prodding this, but Lambert's someone he sees a similar sort of insecurity in, and he knows how much influence the opinions and feelings of friends can have. It's just Lambert responds by doubling down when Yuya responds by cave.

So he just gets straight to the point. "Did he tell you about how he felt? Going after Ignatius, and having to fight you," Yuya gestures in the air before putting a hand to his chest, looking imploring. "About that promise."

As Yuya mentions the promise, Strange's scowl deepens. This is going to be a shitty conversation and Strange knows it.

"He did," Strange admits. "It was more yelling than actually telling me his feelings, but I think I was able to get the gist of it." Strange was mad because Lambert didn't do what Strange wanted him to. Lambert was mad because he thought Strange viewed him as just a sword to fall upon. But there was so much more to that from both sides.

"But I almost killed him," Strange admits, practically under his breath. "He's the one who claims to be an emotionless monster slayer, he's the one who should have stopped me before I hurt others. I don't care if it was hard, if Lambert wants to play that role, then he needs to actually do so!" But it's obvious based on the way Strange's expression shifts to something a bit disgusted that he does care that it was hard and he does care that he hurt Lambert in more ways that one.

Yuya frowns as Strange proceeds to get irritable and defensive. Of course Lambert said those things, he's not the person that wears his heart on his sleeve.

He reaches forward again, putting his hand on Strange's forearm in a firm grip, and it's as much a gesture to keep himself calm as it is to make Strange ease up. He's not used to playing a mediator like this, and these are Lambert's feelings, but if he's not going to tell Strange and Strange is going to be an insensitive lout then maybe someone should.

"He doesn't want to play that role," Yuya says it strongly, pausing a moment to let that sink in before he continues. "It's just the one he was told he had to be. And he wants to leave it behind so he can go to England with people he cares about."

Yuya's hand on his forearm grabs Strange's attention. He turns to look at Yuya, listening as he explains things.

It's as Yuya mentions 'go to England' that Strange's expression falters a little. Because he knows how much Lambert would hate England and he's certain that Childermass has told Lambert about the attitudes and scandal the two would face if there were even rumors of Lambert and Childermass's relationship...and yet Lambert still wants to go to England anyway. It should touch Strange with how much this means Lambert cares about Childermass, but it only serves to worry Strange instead.

But Strange knows he is really not the person to try and explain that conversation to Yuya, so instead he focuses on another thing he can grumble about. "If he doesn't want that role, he needs to do a better job of changing it. Either that or he should have told me before all this happened."

Yuya's expression flatlines at Strange's grumbling, very blatantly for a second before he sucks in a breath and smooths it back out to something more open and neutral. Or at least, that's what he hopes his face is doing.

"It's not that easy to push out what other people say about you. Not for everyone." Maybe it's just that Yuya understands, getting so comfortable in a lie to protect yourself from the cruelty of others that you can't separate yourself from it anymore. It becomes just as much who you are, and then it's a struggle to let it go when you go so long believing in it.

"Why do you think he didn't tell you? About wanting to change or not wanting to kill you?"

"That's the problem, isn't it," Strange remarks, with a sigh. "I don't know."

Strange never cared as much about what people thought as Lambert did. Sure, he cared a little bit. But as soon as Arabella died and Strange went to Venice, all pretenses of 'caring about what people thought' started to fall away.

"I assume it was because he was embarrassed," he says, knowing full well that Lambert can get embarrassed about stupid things (because Strange teases him about said stupid things). "But it's a ridiculous thing to be embarrassed about in the first place. If you want to change, then do so. It isn't hard."

"Okay, but what if it's not being embarrassed?" He raises a brow skeptically, countering Strange's immediate judgement of his own assumption. He's a confident man, so maybe he really doesn't have the perspective of self-hate, especially when it's encouraged by everyone around you.

He leans back in his seat, folding his arms on the table. "Maybe he didn't say anything because he's not confident changing is that easy. Maybe he doesn't want to fail and prove that everything they said about him is true, and he can't be anything else."

There's a lot of reasons that a little insecurity can come up with to stop you from moving forward. Yuya knows exactly how that feels--and maybe that's why he wants to see Strange be able to empathize with his friend. Lambert deserves that support, too.

"And you know, if he calls himself a monster first and beats everyone to the punch it takes away some of the sting when someone else says it. It's like a shield so they can't hurt him as much." But it doesn't stop it from hurting entirely.

Strange listens to Yuya. He still doesn't really know how Yuya knows all this. Perhaps he talked with Lambert? Or more likely, Yuya's just observant. He's certainly more observant than Strange is, he'll give the kid that much. So if Yuya thinks that Lambert is worried about himself and worried he can't change...then Strange will believe him.

And if Lambert really is worried that he's not anything more than just a killer or a witcher, then Strange feels even more terrible for putting him in that position in the first place.

"I never said I thought he was a monster," Strange clarifies, with a small frown. "He's abrasive and blunt, but certainly not a monster. He's one of my dearest friends. I certainly couldn't think of anyone that close to me as a monster."

"I know you wouldn't!" Yuya waves his hand quickly to dismissive it. And then he looks at Strange sadly, despite the slight smile. "Lambert said that about himself."

The scars from being forced into a Witcher run deeply. Yuya wonders how long Lambert has felt hated and othered, to guard his heart with it and if anyone reached out to him before the carnival. It makes his chest hurt.

And what he doesn't say is implied in his tone: Lambert doesn't have a lot of love for himself.

Well then. Strange didn't know that. He frowns a little as he breaks away to not look at Yuya for a moment. Lambert thinks he's a monster. But how could he think that? He's abrasive, yes, but he's strong, capable, and though Lambert himself might not realize it, caring. There's been plenty of times where Lambert's been the one to take care of Strange, whether watching over him when he was high to dragging him out of the revival egg. For him to think that about himself...it sickens Strange a bit.

Then again, from what Strange knows of witchers in Lambert's world, he can see why Lambert might think that.

"I need to apologize to him," he mutters, still a bit shocked. "I only asked him to kill me because I trusted him! Not because he's a witcher or a monster or anything of that sort."

Yuya feels the same way, but he also understands why Lambert can't see that. He's sure Lambert doesn't believe Strange really sees him as just an emotionless killer, either, but there's a lot of pain in seeing yourself like that and there's a lot of pain in the struggle (and failure) to break through.

"I know. I know." He told Lambert as much in their dreaming, he's pretty sure. Absently, his tail uncurls and recurls around the chair. "You should definitely talk to him. He doesn't let on how much he's hurt, I think... and you're friends, so you should be healing together."

Because Lambert made an awful, cruel decision in what he did to Ignatius... but Yuya doesn't doubt the agony that probably directed his actions. Maybe he would have tried it anyway, but Yuya gets the feeling things would have been very different if Lambert didn't have to nurse trying (and failing) to kill Strange, and everything that means.

Strange stands up from the table and goes to pick up the radio, like he's going to call Lambert then and there, before he remembers wait, Yuya's here as well. Instead, he pockets the radio and turns to look back at Yuya.

"Thank you, by the way. I know that neither Lambert nor I can be the most astute of people at times," they're both fucking morons, "so having someone like you certainly makes a difference. And I know I've said it before, but you're a good friend."

Not many people would try and work through problems like Yuya did.

Yuya watches him go and collect the radio, but he doesn't say anything just yet. Although any observation of what Strange intends to do with is distracted by the praise, and Yuya grins wide.

"Well... I just understand how he feels." And a friend can make a real difference. It seems like this was the right thing for him to do. "But you're welcome."

He composes himself, pointing at the door. "If you want to talk to him now, I can go."

Strange wants to talk to Lambert now. But he's not completely heartless and realizes there's something they haven't really talked about during all of Yuya's attempts to mend bridges and talk down Strange.

"I do want to talk to him," he admits. "But first, do you want to talk about anything?"

Look at him, taking into account other people's feelings. Occasionally, Strange is a semi-decent person.

yuya needs better friends

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