There's really no way to explain 'because I'm used to intense relationships with and being the main focus of like, one or two people max and I still haven't wrapped my head around the concept of having lesser relationships with multiple people.' He always fixated on Arabella and, to a lesser extent, Norrell. And okay, neither of them were here, but then there was Lambert! And alright, then Lambert started dating Childermass, but then there was Ignatius! But now Ignatius has his sister and he's mended his bridges with Rita so now what?

"If you had to choose between anybody else and the carnival and Gongenzaka, if there was...I don't know, a trial where you had to pick, you'd pick Gongenzaka over anybody else—and don't try to deny it, I know it's true." He remembers that whole 'going to die for him' conversation. "I want something like that. But I don't have anyone like that here."

Does this make sense? Strange isn't sure he's making sense. He's struggling with his words as the anger and fury shifts towards frustration, mostly at himself for what is admittedly a very stupid feeling.