no bourbon, no scotch, no beer

[kingsroads]

Who: the idiot brigade aka Lambert & Strange
Where: Strange's trailer
When: backdated to late on Day 77
What: errybody in the trailer got tipsy
Warnings: alcohol use

( continued from here )

[ Taking the White Gull, Strange carefully puts two small drops of the alcohol into his mug of wine. His hands are steady, like he's used to doling out entirely small doses of liquids. Really, he doesn't believe this is as potent as Lambert says it is. After all, the other man can drink it and he...well, he's Lambert so who knows what sort of witcher nonsense makes you resistant to weird alcohols. Still, he can always add more later if need be.

As he finishes adding in the White Gull, Strange caps the flask and sets it on a nearby, hella cluttered table. Moments later, he raises his mug as well. ]

To your new appointment.

[ Might as well make an ATTEMPT at a toast. Strange downs a healthy serving of his wine...then just starts coughing a bit because wow, even with just two drops that stuff is surprisingly potent. ]

Good Lord.

Comments

[kingsroads]

[ Strange can't help but roll his eyes at that as he gives Lambert a small little smirk of a smile. Because yeah, he was in the army, he knows how some men will gladly take advantage of any town or encampment that's got a healthy number of women. ]

So are your mages also changed by magic like you are? [ said as he points directly at Lambert's eyes. ]

[whattaprick]

Not like me, they're not. Too vain. [ Lambert snickers at the very concept. ]

We got some things in common, like not getting old as quickly. But most mages use magic to stop aging completely. Sorceresses tend to keep their youth, while sorcerors try to look as wise and wordly as they can. Probably think it gives them more credibility.

[kingsroads]

Let me guess, wise and worldly usually means long hair and a beard? They'd get laughed to high heaven if any sorcerer tried to do something like that in my world.

[ Looking wise and worldly might help for Lambert's world, but something something respectability politics. ]

I suppose it's a good thing then that mages and witchers don't normally have families. It'd be hard enough explaining to one's parents why you aren't aging at the rate you should, imagine having to explain it to your wife and children.

[ and oh look, he's thinking about Arabella again, don't mind Strange as he just chugs the rest of his glass to try and get himself thinking about less depressing things. ]

[whattaprick]

You're thinking of druids. [ Lambert laughs at that, claws tapping at the side of his mug. ] They mostly just go for wrinkles and greying hair. But it's mostly sorceresses now, as far as I know.

[ Though it's also a bad time for magic users, with Radovid going crazy and all that. At the mention of families, Lambert's lip curls again, though it's more of a sneer than genuine amusement as he follows suit and chugs down the rest of his drink as well. Can't have Strange outdrinking him now, can he? ]

Nothing really to explain. Enough stories out there that people know what they're signing up for.

[kingsroads]

Welcome to being a witcher, hope you manage to live to a slightly old age before you're terribly mauled by some sort of nasty griffin or something like that.

[ Strange gives Lambert a small little sarcastic smile as he pours himself a bit more wine. The effects of the White Gull are already starting to hit him, as his movements are a bit more careless than usual--Strange almost sloshes some of the wine on the floor but catches himself in time. Once he's poured the wine, he gestures for Lambert to hand the flask over. ]

Tell me one of your stories. I've heard plenty about your world but not so much about you. What sort of monsters have you faced?

[ He's not even bothering to hide the curiosity in his voice. He likes his world. He likes Arabella and some of the people back in England. But Strange has to admit that he sees the appeal of Lambert's lifestyle. Wandering the world, getting back to nature, he can see the appeal. It's a tad romantic, minus the blood and guts and stabbing, of course. ]

[whattaprick]

[ The question catches Lambert a bit by surprise -- perhaps because of its directness. While he's certainly revealed information about himself through casually mentioning the other witchers, or answering more general inquiries about his world, it's not often he tends to hear anything along the lines of tell me about yourself.

He mulls over the question, pouring a generous measure of White Gull for himself before he swaps it for the wine bottle to top up his mug. Most of his contracts aren't really the stuff of stories -- just a lot of slogging around in the dirt and muck, cold and hungry, meditating until midnight for the damn ghost to show up. ]

I've got a few I could tell. [ He says, finally, with a slight smirk. ] But I'm warning you, they're not exactly the stuff of fairy tales. Take your pick: do you want to hear about a wraith, a griffin, or a siren?

[kingsroads]

[ Moderation is for suckers as Strange pours himself a fair amount of White Gull in his mug. It's pretty obvious to Lambert that if Strange actually drinks all of this, he's going to end up vomiting in the bushes fairly quick, no matter how hard he bullshits about whatever nonsense he's drunken back home. Strange, for his part, is entirely unaware of just how drunk he's going to end up.

He muses over the choices for a moment before settling on, ] Griffin. After all, that's the one I know the most about, there's less for you to explain with that one.

[ Wraiths or sirens could be anything. But thanks to their goofing around and making sand monsters at the Celebration, Strange at least has a vague idea of what Lambert's griffins look like. Strange takes a large sip of his drink, satisfied by his decision. ]

[whattaprick]

Ah, one of my favorite ones. Good choice.

[ Oh yeah, Strange is not going to have a good time tomorrow. However, Lambert's not going to stop him, because 1. he thinks that shit will be hilarious, 2. that'll teach the poor bastard to treat witcher alcohol like it's water. He takes a drink, clearly warming to the subject matter and relishing the setup. ]

Witchers pride themselves on being neutral -- we don't owe loyalty to any kingdom, keep our noses out of politics, and won't bend the knee to any old blueblood with a parcel of land bigger than the spread of his palm. As you can imagine, that doesn't make us all that popular among the nobility. Luckily, we don't have to deal with each other much: like I said, most of their monster problems are things that they can handle because they've got armies. But sometimes, even they'll have problems steel alone can't solve... which is when they'll start looking for a witcher.

[ Sorry, Strange, you're getting a ton of exposition anyway. But with that introduction out of the way, Lambert continues: ]

The summer of my tenth year after becoming a full-fledged witcher, I saw a contract on a noticeboard while I was in the East March. It was short and to the point: the local baron was looking for someone to kill a male griffin. What caught my attention was the reward. Five hundred crowns -- that's nothing to sneeze at. So I figured what the hell, I probably won't be the only person looking for this thing, not with that much money on offer. Might as well go and see why they were offering so much for one fleabitten monster.

[kingsroads]

[ He can't help but wonder what Lambert, who prides himself on being neutral and down-to-earth, thinks of Strange, who's made no secret of the fact that he used to regularly deal with politics and the nobility. It's a good thing they're friends now because Strange is realizing just how south things could have gone if he'd taken a different approach when they first met.

He listens, taking occasional sips of his drink but for once in his life, actually being quiet. This is already an interesting story and he doesn't want to ruin it with too much needless commentary...but just a smidge of needless commentary won't hurt. ]

I've a feeling the beast wasn't entirely what you were expecting?

[ After all, with that much money, something had to be up. ]

[whattaprick]

Oh, the beast was real enough. What they wanted it for, on the other hand...

[ Lambert trails off, letting the whole thing build suspense, and finally explains: ]

The baron and his wife had been trying to conceive. I say trying, because even after a few years, his wife had yet to pop out a baby and the baron wasn't exactly in the bloom of youth. I'm sure I don't need to tell you an heir a pretty damn big deal to anyone that has something worth inheriting.

You might be wondering what a griffin has to do with any of this, much less a dead one. Well, as it turns out? Someone had gotten the notion in the baron's head that the way to get his wife pregnant was to fuck her on a griffin's back.

oh my god that's beautiful

[kingsroads]

[ Strange is a good audience, giving Lambert a 'go on' sort of look as he builds up suspense and listening intently when Lambert starts describing the seemingly unrelated story of the baron and his wife that Strange is fairly certain will somehow turn out to be related to this whole nonsense. He takes a sip of his drink, listening expectantly.

And then when Lambert mentions what he wanted the griffin for, Strange almost instantly chokes on his drink.
Fun fact! Choking on White Gull is not fun, and Strange just launches into an awkward slightly laughing slightly choking entirely undignified coughing fit for a moment or two before he regains his composure. When he starts talking again, Strange's tone pretty muck implies he finds the whole thing hilarious. ]

Surely that'd be uncomfortable. Even with just the feathers getting into certain places... [ Strange trails off as he gives Lambert a big, shithead grin of his own. ] Well go on. Did you catch the beast for them?

[ and then did they fuck on it??? Important questions here! ]

[whattaprick]

I think the idea was to stuff the body, smooth out some of the lumps, and turn it into a bed. Much less of a risk slipping off and breaking your neck that way. [ Lambert sniggers into his mug when Strange chokes (he might have timed that on purpose, or things simply worked out that way) and lets him regain his composure before he continues. ]

But no. I didn't become a witcher to furnish some noble's bedroom, and I told them as much. Laughed in their faces and told them they could shove their gold where the sun doesn't shine. Might have said some other things, too. [ He grins wryly. ] And for that, they threw me in the dungeon.

Now, I could have gotten out easily enough -- with the right spell on the right guard at the right time, I could get the keys and walk out whistling. But I knew something fishy was going on because when I walked into that baron's hall, I felt my medallion tug. [ He hooks a finger into the chain, mining drawing it out. ] And that only means one thing: magic.

Turns out people are willing to talk to you about all kinds of things when they think they've got power over you. What really surprised me was that it wasn't just one person who came to see me that night, but two...

[kingsroads]

[ Dungeons were probably the day to day sort of business that witchers had to deal with...but Strange still can't help but wrinkle his nose slightly at the thought of being stuck in a dungeon. You can't take the posh out of the man and, even though his Venice hovel looked downright like a dungeon in certain aspects it most definitely wasn't. Far less bugs, coldness, and rocks.

As Lambert leaves the hook out, Strange gladly takes it, tossing in a guess of his own. ]

Let me guess: it was the baron and his wife?

[ It had to be those two! Lambert hadn't introduced anybody else in his story and, though Strange wrote nonfiction, he still had an idea of how a proper narrative should go. (Which, of course, means it most likely won't be those two to begin with.) ]

[whattaprick]

You're half right. [ Lambert grins. ]

One of them was the baron's wife ... and the other was the baron's brother.

[ Who gives a damn about your narrative sensibilities, Strange, he'll introduce characters as he wants. ]

They came separately, of course, and each of them had their own version of the story. The wife claimed that black magic had been cast upon her husband so that the man I had met in the hall wasn't a man at all, but using an illusion to appear as one. According to her, the griffin roaming the countryside was her husband, and she wanted me to disenchant it, not kill it.

The brother, though, had a slightly different request. He said the baron's wife had caught him with an enchantment and was driving him mad. That she was a sorceress who had designs of ruling their fief in his stead. Since the griffin was known to be a creature of great insight, he had heard its heart could be used to make to reveal the truth of things -- so he wanted me to hunt it down.

[kingsroads]

[ This is why Strange is an author and Lambert isn't, set up your characters properly. And huh, something else appearing as your loved one while your loved one remains enchanted and also someone being driven mad by an enchantment, don't mind Strange as he just takes yet another drink because wow is that a familiar feeling which really sucks..

He wobbles forward slightly, almost sloshing his drink as he sets it down on a nearby table then carefully, warily, sits back up. Well. He's a bit drunk right now. Strange is feeling preeeetty woozy right now and a tad bit queasy and logically knows that he should stop drinking but (as per usual with him) emotion wins out and fuck that. Still, he wants Lambert to finish that story so he's just staying quiet as he listens. ]

Were either of them right?

here we go, a suitably shitty witcher ending

[whattaprick]

Didn't much matter, in the end.

[ Lazily, Lambert's tail hooks around the handle of Strange's mug, scooting it further out of the magician's immediate reach. That's about as far as he'll go for preventing any unfortunate stomach spills inside this trailer, though. Except maybe help Strange to the nearest window or door. ]

Next day, the baron took out a hunting party for the griffin himself. Got gored for the trouble. While the healers were trying to stitch him back together, his brother attacked his wife, and the guards killed his brother. [ In other words, a political mess. ]

Can't let a griffin that's gotten a taste for human flesh live, so they said they'd let me out on the condition that I hunt it down.

SIDEQUEST COMPLETE, /trumpet fanfare

[kingsroads]

[ Strange is entirely oblivious to Lambert moving the mug out of the way. That fun discovery will happen a bit later. As it is,
he's far too interested in Lambert's story, listening with a frown.

That's it? What a horrible ending, both narratively and actually. One man gored, another man killed, one woman probably hurt or killed as well. Those poor people. Still, it's a bit to be expected. This is Lambert's world, after all, and Strange is fairly certain there's nothing even remotely resembling a happy ending in Witcher world. ]

And then I assume you came in, murdered the beast, and saved the day as best you could?

[ His words are a little bit more pronounced now, as if it's taking Strange effort to string a sentence together or keep a coherent thought going. ]

[whattaprick]

[ That really is it. As Strange has already discerned, happy endings are in short supply in Lambert's line of work, a luxury only afforded to those who have the option of pretending not to see the world as it is. Even the successes are bittersweet: laying a ghost to rest, destroying a monster nest, finding the bodies of the lost. Nothing will bring back the dead. ]

Something like that. [ Lambert drawls. ] I managed to track it down and kill it, all right. Pretty damn unusual finding a beast like that up north. While I was carving it up, I saw scars on its legs -- like it had been shackled, once.

[ He traces a claw on the edge of the mug, then takes a drink before he finishes. ]

By the time I came back with the trophy, the baron was dead ... and his wife survived. You wouldn't be able to call her beautiful again ... but she survived. [ He pauses. ] Not a lot of tears shed over that death.

[kingsroads]

[ Considering the man made an entire mess of the matter, it doesn't surprise Strange that nobody really cared too much about the baron dying. If he thought fucking on a griffin helped get someone pregnant, who knows what other sorts of bizarre decisions he made in his reign. He reaches over towards his cup...but huh. Nothing's there. With a frown, Strange looks from where the cup was back to Lambert. ]

Did I have a drink here?

[ It's an honest question. Part of Strange's madness involved him seeing things and, while he doesn't feel mad right now, he definitely feels WEIRD. His head's starting to feel fuzzy and his words are slurring and oh hell, he's not mad is he, he's just drunk.

Strange stands up, as if to go find his drink. But the moment he takes a step, he dangerously wobbles, loses control of his balance, and starts falling straight towards Lambert. ]

sorry, he's awful

[whattaprick]

You did. [ Lambert confirms, but if Strange can't pick up on the fact that a mug's moved over about two feet, he should probably be cut off. He should have been cut off a while ago, as point of fact -- he's not used to drinking with people who aren't witchers -- but it's too late now.

Luckily, despite his own well-soused state, his reflexes aren't terrible. Hands and tail reach out to catch Strange before he can smack bodily into the witcher, quick enough he doesn't get a chance to discard the mug, so it smacks into Strange's upper arm awkwardly as Lambert gets ahold of him with a low cackle. ]

You really need to work on your seduction technique. [ He levers Strange back upright until both of them are on their feet, Lambert providing support, though not without a slight wobble of his own. ]

you are not sorry in the slightest

[kingsroads]

[ It's like dealing with a wet noodle as Lambert pushes Strange back upright. He's just going in whatever direction the witcher shoves him in because ahaha standing right now? Moving? That's cute, he kind of really doesn't want to do that! Why did he try to move in the first place? ]

You're not womanly enough for me to try and seduce you, [ Strange grumbles, as if this is a perfect topic of conversation in his mind. Sorry Lambert! You're a dude! And also, like fuck Strange could seduce anybody to begin with, his method of getting Arabella to marry him was pretty much sustained pestering and getting a job. ]

And your hair's all wrong. [ Because that is another point against Lambert in Strange's mind. ] And, most importantly, you're not Arabella.

[ He sways to the side slightly. Lambert may be slightly wobbly but Strange is damn wobbly, as he attempts to straighten himself back upright. At least he knows he's drunk and wobbly and will be rather useless for the next few hours, sorry everybody. ]

okay, not even a little bit

[whattaprick]

Good, because I don't ever want to be crazy enough to marry you, and I don't fuck magicians. [ Lambert responds automatically.

However, he's getting the feeling his witty repartee is entirely lost on the man in front of him right now, though, given the state he's in. Drunk and crazy: probably not the wisest mix. Now, what to do about it? ... Right, he worked as a nurse for a hot second, he can do this.

Lambert squints down at the crazed mop of Strange's hair, frowning at him with the sort of expression only a man trying to remember how non-witcher livers work could possibly wear. Experimentally, he takes a few steps with his arm looped around Strange's torso, supporting him as he attempts to stagger them towards the window. ]

Are you going to throw up? [ He asks, tentatively. ]

[kingsroads]

[ His witty repartee is entirely lost as Strange just thinks 'but Arabella married me before I went mad' and it about to say it, but a queasy acidic feeling creeping up to his throat stops that instantly.

Oh. It seems we're already at the part about being drunk that Strange likes the least. ]

Quite probably, [ Strange answers, in a matter-of-fact tone, absolutely ruined by him slumping towards Lambert, leaning on the other man to actually stay upright, as the witcher tries to shove him to the window and the magician tries to hold down his vomit. ]

[whattaprick]

[ Forget manfully holding up Strange like a true friend; Lambert is going to take advantage of the way he slumps to grab a fistful of the back of his shirt and haul his goddamn ass over to that (thankfully open) window and shove Strange's head through the frame and into the cool night air. They're friends, but they are not quite puke on each other friends just yet. ]

Better?

[kingsroads]

[ Strange doesn't answer Lambert. Instead, the sudden lurching mixed with the cool night air (good Lord, how long had they been talking?) mixed with the fact that his queasiness is just getting worse means that it's jostled up Strange enough that he answers Lambert's questions with the lovely sound of him puking out of a window.

He's kind of better? ]