RAT PARTY LOG: Day 105

[dorkypantsuit]

Who: Everyone and anyone.
What: A party.
Where The menagerie.
When: Day 105


It’s a rat’s birthday party, and if you’re in the labor crew attendance is mandatory. After watching his department's sense of team spirit drop to dangerous levels Psi has decided to try and force people to have a little fun. Of course, the recent lack of camaraderie among the Labor Department isn’t the sole reason for the party; as Ginko had mentioned, anyone who decides to take a look at Rex the rat king will find a seventh head apparently in the process of emerging from around his shoulder. It’s not quite fully formed yet, essentially just a nose and mouth poking through the fur, but it’s very definitely there.


I. GINKO AND REX
A table has been set up near Rex’s enclosure with a number of rat king-safe treats laid out on it, so as to reduce the risk of visitors giving him something he shouldn’t eat. All the same, Ginko will be spending most of his time near Rex, and keeping an eye on things - just in case he has to, you know, discourage people from putting their fingers too close to the new mouth, or something like that. Fingers are not considered rat king-safe treats.

II. TWISTER AND OTHER FUN GAMES
Psi is here as well obviously, and he does have twister. He won’t actually make you play, but he will call you a wuss if you refuse to join in. Twister isn’t the only game they have available though, as later on Psi will also be forcing allowing people to play “Who Am I?” In this game the name of another person at the carnival is placed on a player’s back. Players then have to guess whose name is on their back by asking questions yes or no questions about that person to other people at the party. (Feel free to pick whatever name you want for your character.) Although Labor Department members have to play, others are welcome to join too.

III. FOOD
But what would a party be without the free food? There’s lots of good stuff. BBQ Ribs, Chicken Adobo, Pork Mango Habanero and for dessert there’s cupcakes in the chocolate and lemon flavored variety. Lar’s made it all so feel free to be shocked about that.

((OOC: As this is a party log feel free to make your own top-levels))

Comments

[dorkypantsuit]

The response surprises him, and it might show on his face. It was confusing. Ginko wanted to consider his feeling on the matter, and yet at the same time it felt like he was pushing him away. It didn't make sense, unless he was reading this entire situation wrong in the first place. He hesitates, not sure how to proceed. In the end he decides to ask his own question instead of addressing Ginko's

"Would you tell me, what the more to it is?"

[dontpokethat]

He's quiet for a couple seconds, chewing the end of his cigarette as he tries to organize his thoughts, to find the best way to explain this.

"The thing is... I realized, a long time ago, that if the mushi didn't keep me from being able to stay anywhere, I would probably do it myself." Sure, there had been a time when he had thought that, maybe, if there were a cure for his condition, he could live normally. It never used to matter, since there was no way to 'cure' something that was so inherently a part of him, anyway.

He keeps going, not giving Psi a chance to argue. "I always seem to end up pushing in where I'm not wanted, or messing up just talking to people. Even when I can help, if I stick around too long, it seems like I can just barely make up for all that I do wrong, if that. And... sooner or later, the balance tips. And then people stop wanting me around."

Now he pauses, lowering his forehead into his hand. He's caught between continuing and stopping, forcing himself to explain and cutting it off there, before he says too much all over again.

"...I don't know how much longer I can keep this up." The longer he's here, the more of an uphill battle it feels like - keeping up with his own mistakes, trying not to cause too many problems for people to actually want him around. "I hurt you, I upset Sans-- the more I mess up, the harder it's going to get to fix it. If anything, I should be glad that it's happening so slowly this time."

[dorkypantsuit]

He's honestly surprised Ginko is willing to talk to him at first. Not only is the human willing to answer his question, but he says so much. The Psionic never even realized Ginko felt this way, and even now that Psi is actually hearing Ginko say it, it's hard for him to believe this could be how the human really felt. Ginko's perception of his life here and his relationships with others... They were completely different from the Psionic's. It almost felt impossible for the Psionic to make any sense of Ginko's feelings, even though they were being explained directly to him.

Ginko was always helpful and kind. Most people, Psi knew, appreciated that part of him and enjoyed having him around. The human could be stubborn at times, but he was also dependable. Though Psi admittedly thought him to be a bit of a prude, Ginko was always willing to listen. It's shocking to Psi that Ginko couldn't see those good qualities, couldn't see how much better off people were for his presence. He didn't know what had happened to Ginko in the past, he didn't even really understand the culture of Ginko's homeworld, but now he couldn't help wondering what had happened to Ginko that could make Ginko feel so unwanted.

It was sad. Even more than that, he could feel a tense sort of anxiety that wasn't his own coursing through him and he had a sinking feeling he know exactly where it was coming from. Was Ginko worried about telling him all this? Did he think the Psionic would only confirm what he saw as 'the truth'?

He sinks to his knees, kneeling down on the ground beside Ginko before leaning forwards and wrapping his arms around the other man in a soft embrace. What a pathetic idiot he was.

"I want you around."

[dontpokethat]

It probably shouldn't come as a surprise - the hug, or Psi's words. And yet they both manage to, anyway. Ginko goes tense again, but this time, he relaxes after a moment - just by a bit, a little at a time.

He breathes out, almost like a laugh but not quite. "...Thanks, I guess. Good to know I'm not gonna be driven out just yet."

He says it like it's a joke.

[dorkypantsuit]

He frowns, even if Ginko is just joking he hates hearing that kind of comment. The worst part is, he knows to Ginko it probably isn't a joke at all.

"No one is driving you out either." he murmurs, still holding Ginko close and not really intending on letting go of him anytime soon.

"Why do you think that? Because we had a small fight? Don't leave because of me."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko shakes his head hurriedly. "It's not your fault. There's... it's not like this is because of any one thing that happened."

[dorkypantsuit]

No, it wasn't because of any one thing, Ginko had already said that. But they weren't mistakes Ginko had made either! It was Foster stealing and Psi misunderstanding and Sans loosing his patience. They were things that involved Ginko, certainly, but they were not in any way Ginko's fault. They were just things that happened, feelings people would have regardless of the people around them or the situations they found themselves in. Psi would misunderstand, Sans would loose patience, Foster would make himself a target. They were things that happened and would continue to happen with or without Ginko present. They were nothing more than the totally normal results of interacting with another person.

The realization that Ginko doesn't understand that happens suddenly. Psi doesn't know how to explain it either, and he knows that immediately. Like adding vinegar to baking soda, his internal reaction is dramatic and instantaneous. It's a feeling he doesn't know how to explain. It's not frustration, guilt, or shame. It's not any of the powerful emotions that normally robbed him of his senses. It was sorrow, sadness without anger, intent without impetus. There's an uncomfortable sense of loss alongside an uncomfortable sense of acceptance and he realizes that not only did he not know how to help, it was unlikely that he could.

He pulls back from Ginko, studying the human intently. What could he say? What should he say? In the end, it's what he wants to say that moves him.

"I'm sorry."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko looks over at him, brow furrowing. "...All you've done is try to help me. You have nothing to apologize for."

It's not Psi's fault that Ginko doesn't know how to talk about his own feelings, or that he can't bring himself to believe half of what Psi tries to tell him - even if he knows it might actually be true. But actually believing it, feeling like it's the truth, like he's actually wanted, is something else entirely. It's like trying to fit a puzzle piece into the wrong slot.

"And... I do appreciate you trying. Even though I can be kind of... frustrating in that regard."

[dorkypantsuit]

He shakes his head, calming down a bit now that he thinks he understands Ginko's feelings and his own a little better. He's still confused by the whole thing, not knowing how Ginko could see things this way and not really understanding his own reaction, but at least he know how Ginko saw things and how he was reacting to it.

"No. I mean. I'm sorry you feel that way. It must... really suck."

He didn't know the feeling of being unwanted, if anything his abilities made him an object to be fought over by trolls with the power to do such things back home. He did understand feeling as though you didn't belong somewhere however, and he figured those things were close enough at least in this sense. Ginko probably hadn't just 'felt' as though he didn't belong, he knew it. He couldn't not know it, the threat of his presence to others was very real, at least without the mushi tobacco. Of course, any person could be a threat to any other person in any number of ways. Normally they just had a little more control over it than Ginko did.

"And it was only frustrating because... I didn't understand. Thank you for talking to me about it."

[dontpokethat]

"...Yeah. It kind of does." He won't deny that. Ginko would love not to constantly feel like the world was about to fall down around him, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even if that might just make it harder whenever it did happen, having a moment's comfort sounded nice.

"Thank you for making me, I guess." He stares down at the ground, pushing his fingers idly through his hair. He... still isn't sure how he feels about having said all that. But if Psi has some understanding of why he's worried now, that's at least a step forward.

[dorkypantsuit]

It's another surprise to hear. He honestly doesn't think he's ever been thanked before for his prying. He lets out a soft laugh at the thought. It's just weird to be thanked for this. This was just what he did. He liked having other people relying on him.

"A few days ago I was mad at you for not sharing and now you're thanking me for prying."

It occurs to him this is what he'd been wishing Joker would do, and now he can finally see just how strange that would be. He and Joker never spoke about serious topics, and yet Psi expected the human to just tell him whatever was on his mind? That wasn't what their relationship was about or how it worked, but he's only now realizing just how foolish it was to try and force things to be otherwise. Had everyone seen this except him? He'd assumed until this point that problems like this were due to a sort of culture clash, but maybe that wasn't right. Maybe this was really just a him problem.

"Do you really like me pushing you to talk like that?"

[dontpokethat]

"Well... I didn't like the pushing," he admits. "After a while, it just... starts feeling like I can't go a day without people trying to... to figure out everything that's wrong with me."

He lets out a brief, quiet laugh, but it's more tired than amused.

"But... If you understand what's going on better now, I guess that's... it's an improvement."

[dorkypantsuit]

An improvement, but probably only because it mean Psi would stop pestering him. So it really wasn't a genuine thank you. It wasn't that long ago that Joker had told him off for sticking his nose where it didn't belong. When Joker had said that he really hadn't been offended. He was just trying to help, that wasn't such a harmful thing to do, but Sans, Joker, and even Ginko all of them were only pushed further away from him by those attempts to help. He didn't know what else he was supposed to do though.

Sitting by and doing nothing felt like the only other option, but that just felt wrong. He was tense just thinking about it. It was painful to know someone was hurting. It made him feel so useless. He hated that feeling. It reminded him of how pointless it all really was.

"...I know it's useless, but doing something is better than doing nothing... Don't you think so?"

[dontpokethat]

Ginko blinks, ears flicking as he tries to parse that. Then his brows draw together, and he leans forward a little. "I do agree it's better, but it's definitely not useless. Even if I know that...some people, myself included, don't make it easy."