lostcarnival | ⇨ HOME AGAIN

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⇨ HOME AGAIN

Who: Anyone!
When: Day 68 - Day 72
Where: Carnival grounds.
What: Everyone makes it back to the carnival after their adventure in hell. The Ringmaster makes a new lake to celebrate, apparently.
Warnings: A notable absence of torture.

TO HELL AND BACK↴

The rescuers and the liberated captives will emerge from the portal like bats out of hell. Much like their previous return, this arrival will be met with a flurry of medical activity as everyone gets their injuries seen to, particularly those that had been held prisoner within Morningstar's hell fortress. It will still be night when they arrive, and the rest of Day 68 will be clouded over completely, for the benefit of the new vampires as they get settled in. After the immediate panic is dealt with, the Ringmaster will disappear into the forest until the morning of Day 69. It will be raining off and on during her absence.

► RECOVERY: Unlike the last time, the Ringmaster will be supplying the carnival workers with some healing potions from her private hoard, given that most of the healers are already wounded or spent. Damage caused by iron poisoning will not be cured by healing magic or healing items though, unfortunately, and those who have spent a lot of time in contact with iron will take at least a week to fully recover. However, regular healing remedies like bandages and herbs may help speed things along if the patient is suited to them.

► A BRAND NEW LAKE: On the morning of Day 69, the Ringmaster will return the forest to announce that she's built a new lake into the carnival grounds, only a short trail's distance from the backyard. Unlike most of the forest, this area won't just lead you in circles when explored, meaning that it can actually be modified and developed as the workers see fit. The water is always clean and just the right temperature for swimming, though it gets a bit cooler the deeper you swim. At the far side of the lake, there is a warm, stone pathway leading up the side of the mountain, that will eventually take you to some bangin' hot springs. Brought to you mostly because the Ringmaster doesn't know how to say sorry with actual words. At least it gives you something to play with while you try to shake off the trauma.

► FRUITS OF VICTORY: On Day 70, all the workers who came to hell for the rescue mission will be given a gift from the Ringmaster. Each of them will receive a bright green, glowing seed, about the size of your thumbnail. She will tell you that, when planted, the seeds will swiftly grow into a small citrus tree, which will grow fruits with regenerative properties. More details about these plants will be written up in a separate post, but for now your characters can ogle them and decide if they are going to plant them or not.

► TAKE ME TO CHURCH: Staring on Day 71, the Ringmaster will be starting to work on removing the vampirism from those infected with it, which apparently involves a lot of... meditation? She will take the newbie vampires out into a shady area of the forest and encourage them to look inside themselves and attempt to separate themselves spiritually from their demonic beasts. How well you character masters her teachings over time will determine whether or not she is ultimately capable of stripping out your demon soul and returning you to life. Of course, not all demons are made equal, and some will be more difficult to separate than others...

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He really doesn't want to cry in front of anyone, but especially not in front of Ginko. He's supposed to be ignoring this feeling, not giving into it. It's hard though, when he needs to talk to someone Ginko always seems to be there and willing to listen. He knew it wasn't wrong to trust Ginko, but to do so seemed like a betrayal. He'd promised to help and protect the people who worked underneath him when he took this position. Not only had he failed in that promise, but now he felt an undeniable pull to lay his burdens on Ginko's shoulder. He'd felt that pull, that feeling of wanting to rely on someone and trust them implicitly around Ginko recently. It was a feeling he knew well, a pale red feeling he knew a human couldn't even return.

Even if it can't be returned, even if it's a betrayal, could he say no to such an offer now? He wants to, but he already knows he can't. He turns over, laying on his side in the grass. His fingers run through the thin leaves, the tactile feeling bringing him out of his own despairing thoughts. He never could say no when he felt like this. That was the real problem, the one they couldn't fix. He wanted to trust people, the way no troll ever should. He closes his eyes, letting out a Psi.

"Do you ever feel like... You aren't real?"

There's another pause before Ginko answers. That's... a difficult question, for multiple reasons. It's been a while since he's even thought about that, and it's not something he's in the habit of talking about.

"...Sometimes."

Less these days than he used to, anyway. Maybe he would have had an easier time thinking about it a few years ago.

It's hard to talk about it, even after he's decided to. It's all a big mess in his head. He doesn't know where to start, or with what.

"I used to think I was supposed to feel this way? ...Now I'm not as sure."

They'd mixed it all up. Their words had slipped inside his head, without his even noticing. It was like some kind of emotional vertigo. Whenever he tried to think about it, he only ended up feeling even more sick than before.

"What gave you that idea? ...If it's alright for me to ask that." He leans back a bit, bracing his hands on the ground behind him and staring down into the lake. "Just... hard to imagine that anyone's supposed to feel that way."

He laughs, its got a soft and derisive tone to it. Of course it was easy for Ginko to say something like that, he was a human after all. Ginko didn't know about troll society, and probably wouldn't be able to understand it even if the Psionic took the time to explain it to him. Did they even have anything like the hemospectrum on earth at all? Previous conversations with Ginko seemed to indicate there wasn't. He shakes his head.

"The other yellowbloods never seemed to have the same problems as me. We were all slaves, but they could turn off and do what they needed to get the job done. I could never quite do it."

That... is starting to make sense, then. As horrifying as the explanation is. Ginko pulls his knees up and rests his elbows on them, staring out at the lake thoughtfully."So... it would have been expected that you would feel like that. ...I guess I can see how you'd want to be able to do that, if that was the case."

It was freeing, in a way. Finding a point of focus - usually the light vein, back when he could find it - and losing himself in it... even if he knew that it probably wasn't the best idea.

"What are you having trouble with now, then? Feeling as if you don't exist, or not knowing if you should?"

Expected yes, there was a lot that seemed to be expected of him back then. He never was able to meet those expectations though, not even his own. He wished he could do as he was told without feeling so awful for the harm he caused. He was just protecting himself, that's what he tried to tell himself back then, but it never really made the guilt go away.

"I met someone... They told me it was normal to care. Natural." he laughs again, but once more there's no joy in it. "I was happy to hear it. It changed me... But now I wonder why I was so eager to believe. Did I really have faith in those words? Or was I simply eager to relieve my own pain?"

He feels even worse saying it aloud than he had when he'd simply been asking himself. The Signless had fought so hard for his beliefs. He had cared about everyone, he'd wanted to free them. The Psionic had believed in that dream too, an Alternia where everyone could be free. Had he really wanted it though? Or maybe he'd only cared for himself. Was that why he was so afraid of going back? His eyes feel hot with growing tears, and he hides his eyes behind his hand feeling ashamed.

Ginko doesn't look at the Psionic as he speaks, or afterward. He's quiet, too, the silence stretching out for a few moments.

"...I guess I haven't really known you for very long. But I do feel confident saying, from the time I have known you... I think you did have faith in what they said. There's nothing wrong with wanting to relieve your own pain, either, of course - but."

But.

"You do so much for the people here... those who work under you, and those who don't. You worry about them before yourself, even when you're hurt, when nobody could blame you for trying to protect yourself. Those aren't the actions of someone who's only thinking about himself."

He shakes his head, Ginko's words hurting him despite their comforting nature. He tried to do a lot for the people here, but in the end did he ever really succeed?

"I'm a former slave who works to enslave others." He'd chased down his fair share of Psionics on Alternia, bringing them to be enslaved just as he had been on orders he couldn't resist though he desperately wished he could. That isn't what he's talking about now. As Ginko can likely surmise, he's referring to the carnival and it's system of indentured servitude. The labor the ringmaster sought wasn't without it's rewards, but it wasn't always willingly entered either.

"Any kindness I show means nothing compared to that first wrong." he murmurs, voice shaking as tears fall down his cheeks behind his hand. He's filled with anger, at himself, regret at what he's done, and sadness at failing to do better. And still nothing would change. He wouldn't change, not his actions or his words, he would stay the same because the cost of rebelling was too high.

"If I had been like anybody else, if I could turn off these feelings, would I have followed him? If I hadn't felt like something was wrong with me, if he hadn't made me feel complete would I have fought for his vision?"

He knows the answer already, though he can't bare to say it to anyone but himself. If he had been like anybody else he would have ignored Signless as all the others did. The knowledge comes with it's own guilt and fear. Without Signless he wouldn't be here, but now that he was hear he lacked the courage and conviction in that dream to go back. He dared to abandon the man who'd given him everything.

"I don't want to go back. I'm... scared of what loosing might mean."

It's more than he's admitted to anyone before, and the words leaving him feeling vulnerable and exposed. He glances to Ginko then moving his hand, the yellow tinted tears staining his skin as they run down his cheeks.

Ginko has had his own doubts about what they’re doing, as he knows many others in the carnival have. He’s very aware that he can’t fully understand Psi’s concerns here, coming from different backgrounds as they do - but he can certainly see where he’s coming from, all the same. Of course, that’s not to say he can bring himself to agree with what he’s saying.

“It’s not meaningless. Kindness is kindness, and it would be a whole hell of a lot worse to bring people somewhere without it.” There’s no doubt in his voice; it’s not a meaningless platitude, thrown out without any belief behind it. He knows what he’s saying and he means it.

He has to mean it.

If everything Psi does, all the efforts he makes to help those at the carnival, don’t matter, then what does that say about the rest of them?

“There’s no point in wondering what would have happened if you were like ‘anybody else’, either. You aren’t anybody else. You’re you, and that’s why you went with him; it doesn’t matter what someone else would have done.”

Now he does pause, still staring out at the lake. Thinking, trying to figure out how best to phrase his thoughts. Psi isn’t the only one who’s hesitant to go back to his own world - but from the sound of it, he has a lot more to worry about than Ginko does.

What can a man with nothing to lose but his own life say to someone with so much more at stake?

“...I don’t think anyone could blame you for being afraid. In fact, that might just go to prove how much he and his cause really mean to you. But… it also may mean that it’s really best for you to wait before going back. Maybe one day you’ll feel ready, and maybe not. But you can get closer, think it over. That’s better than nothing.”

His directionless gaze softens as he listens to Ginko's words. They don't erase his doubts, but he finds their weight lessens. Even if he disagreed with Ginko he couldn't ignore the conviction with which he spoke. Even if he didn't believe their meaning Ginko did, and in this moment where everything had felt lost suddenly the Psionic sees a path clearing in front of him. It was tenuous, a decrepit rope-bridge strung across a gaping chasm. He hadn't the strength to cross it now, but it was there. At least one person believed he could be better.

Regrets, emptiness; these were passing wounds and pains. Every feeling was fleeting: happiness and joy, but sadness and anger also. When the day was over and these memories of vampires and their kin were far behind him would he feel as lost as he did right now? Could Ginko's words ring truer then?

Maybe his own kindness didn't make up for his tacit compliance, but neither did his regret. Perhaps he followed Signless for selfish reasons, but he did believe in the other troll's vision. At least, he believed a world like the one Signless saw was one worth fighting for. His fears quiet. He sees Ginko before him and hears the lapping of the lake's wave against its bank.

"...What would waiting accomplish?" he says after moments of contemplative silence. If there was a reason he could find to stay here besides cowardice...

Ginko gives a small shrug, tilting his head back and directing his gaze up toward the sky.

"Just having some time to think can help with more problems than you might expect. ...Besides, with things as they are now, I'm pretty sure the whole labor department would collapse if you weren't around to keep us in line."

He sighs, his shoulders slumping even though he's laying on the ground.

"I've been thinking about it." The entire time he's been here, it's a constant wait on his mind. Though he wants to take care of the people who work under him, he also knows their well-being is an awfully convenient excuse.

"Even if I stick around, what can I do now."

Ginko does look over at Psi now, frowning slightly. "...What do you mean by that?"

He hesitates, his eyes falling half closed.

"I couldn't protect them..."

Snake, Yuugi, Miko, they'd all been hurt and turned by those damn vampires. Ginko and Lars had barely survived. The realization cuts deep like a fresh wound. How could any of them trust him after this?

For a moment, Ginko just looks at the Psionic in quiet sympathy. "...Psi, just because things went wrong this time doesn't mean that we don't need you around. It doesn't help you or anyone else to beat yourself up over this."

He's done the same thing enough times to know.

Not everyone will be as forgiving as Ginko though. He doubted Chiaki, who he'd forced away from conflict despite her interjections, would want him around. Lars, who he'd injured with his poor attempt of a rescue may not agree either. Snake, he hadn't been turned when Psi first saw him, maybe if he had stayed with him he would have been safe. His only excuse for staying here was in helping the others who hadn't made a choice, if he couldn't even do that then the only excuse he had left was his own cowardice.

"Even you... You were hurting and I abandoned you." His gaze focuses on Ginko, looking for signs of his wound or injury. The man had been near fainting from blood loss when Psi had found him during the attack. He felt especially shitty for failing Ginko now. Here he was, a human who didn't even understand most of what Psi said, but he was listening and offering comfort. He's filled with a familiar longing at the realization, a pale red feeling that he's been desperate to stifle.

Ginko shakes his head, though he finds himself regretting the motion an instant later. He's still a little dizzy, but at least there's no more sign of the bite on his neck, thanks to Steven.

"Leaving me was the best decision you could have made. You needed to go find the others, and I would only have slowed you down."

He shakes his head, clearly disagreeing with Ginko's assessment.

"You're just as important as any of the others." He should have made everyone stay with him. He could have protected them better if they were together.

Ginko looks away and lets out a quiet exhalation - a snort, a sigh, maybe both. He doesn't argue outright; the faster the topic can move away from himself, the better, as far as he's concerned.

"...Well, I'm alright, anyway, and it's over now. Maybe sticking together would have been better - but in that case, we can keep that in mind if there's another emergency."

It actually hurts, seeing his concern brushed aside so easily. Confiding in Ginko like he had, it wasn't something the Psionic did often. He'd done it because he trusted Gink. The human had truly seemed to care. The Psionic knew the two of them weren't in any kind of romantic relationship, but he thought human friendship was just as much a two way street as any troll romance. Just because he thought that, though, didn't mean he was right. He'd thought he and Joker were close, but of course there too he'd been pushed away. In both cases his own concern earns him nothing more than a graceful sidestep. He feels suddenly sick. Did anyone here actually want him around? Did they not view him as their equal? Did they think him untrustworthy and likely to attack should the let him beyond their walls?

Had Ginko really wanted to help him or had he just been some sort of obligation? He feels like a fool, and it's enough to turn his cheeks a faint shade of purple as his blood colors his face. He's embarrassed and hurt, and his expression shifts from concern to the beginnings of anger.

"Is there some reason it was okay for me to specifically leave you behind?"

Really, Psi isn't wrong. Theoretically, it is supposed to be a two-way street.

Unfortunately, some humans are really bad at that, Ginko included.

Ginko still doesn't look at him, but his shoulders get the slightest bit tenser. It's not that he doesn't trust or care about Psi, but a lack of trust has never been what's stopping him. This - talking to Psi now, trying to help him in the past - has never been about Ginko's problems. He doesn't want it to be, can't imagine putting that pressure on Psi, or anyone, for that matter. Especially not right now.

But it's getting steadily harder to avoid the topic. Psi is making it harder, but Ginko can't imagine that worrying over him can help anything.

"I could handle myself. All I had to do was make sure they didn't get me alone again, and I did that."

His tail curls up around his legs, the end shifting restlessly back and forth.

"You could barely stand." he says, he's not shouting but the anger is clear in his voice. He sits up, looking Ginko over and suddenly he remembers a different time Ginko had insisted he was fine on his own. After he'd been shot by the agents, he'd refused to seek any kind of medical treatment. He looks away, ashamed of his own stupidity and the feeling only makes his frustration grow.

"Did you even go to be healed?" His eyes flick back to Ginko's, holding the human's gaze. His hands clench into fists at his sides.

Edited 2017-04-20 19:40 (UTC)

"But I'm fine."

He knows, of course, that he could easily have ended up far worse off. If things had gone only slightly differently, he could have been turned and taken like so many others. But he wasn't, and the last thing he wants is for Psi to feel like he did something wrong by leaving him behind.

He doesn't look away when Psi makes eye contact, but his ears swivel back. "Of course I did. There was no reason not to."

There never was a reason not to, and yet the Psiioniic finds he has trouble making himself believe Ginko's words. The Psiioniic iis an emotional wreck and he knows it. He's flopped from apathy to grief, fear, and anger in the span of minutes. Already he can feel tears at the corner of his eyes again. He'd yelled at Sans, ran from Joker, and nearly fought with Lambert. In front of people he knows and people he's hardly known he cant seem to stop himself from falling apart.

"You never take care of yourself. With the agents, with the vampires. Don't you realize people care for you? That there are people who care about you staying safe?"

What would Tanyuu have said if he'd let Ginko die back there? He can't even imagine.

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dontpokethat - 2017-04-23 23:14 (UTC) - Expand

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dorkypantsuit - 2017-04-24 22:11 (UTC) - Expand

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⇨ HOME AGAIN

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i have no idea if this is comprehensible?? enjoy

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