lostcarnival | [closed] i saw a friend of mine the other day

He's on his and he still looks like a mess. Just moving hurts, so he isn't getting up to let Ginko. Instead he just shouts through the door.

"Come in!" honestly he should probably have waited to have this conversation, but he didn't want to. He couldn't just not talk about it and pretend things were the same as they were. They weren't, they were different now and Psi had to know just how different they'd be.

If he's being honest with himself, which he normally is even if he doesn't act like it around others, he's scared. He knows what he wants, and now that he's had it in some variety he's not sure he'll be okay with loosing it. Despite his fear not knowing is worse, so he waits for Ginko to come inside and hopes instead that his fear is unwarranted.

His face is bruised in fact so is the rest of him, and his muscles are sore. He's clearly injured, but he will be okay, at least he wasn't lying about that.

Edited 2017-08-04 23:05 (UTC)

Ginko is still hesitant stepping inside, worry crossing his face as he sees Psi's condition. That... doesn't look great. But it least it does look like he'll be alright with time.

He closes the door behind him, walks over to Psi's bedside, and just kind of... stands there. Hands in his pockets, shoulders slightly hunched.

"...Hey."

He looks at Ginko, taking in his wary posture and sensing his reluctance. It's almost funny how serious Ginko looks. Psi lying down in his bed looks like death warmed over, and there's no doubt in his mind that if someone was watching them right now they'd think it was the end of some tragic movie. Maybe Ginko was actually coming to see him on his death bed. That thought actually does make him laugh, and he smiles, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Of course this laughter disturbs someone else and a lump on his chest starts to move about under the covers. Eventually Grubbin's head pokes out from under the blankets and he clicks his pincers at Psi as though in reprimand.

"Shhhhh." Psi's only response is to shush the bug before pulling the covers back over it's head.

"Hey." he finally says, looking back to Ginko again. "Want me to move a chair over?"

Ginko isn't quite sure how to respond to Psi laughing, but-- ah. And there's a bug.

"--Hah. Looks like he's doing alright." He's honestly pretty glad for the little Pokemon breaking up the tension, and he's just slightly less tense when he shakes his head. "I can move one myself, just... tell me which one I should get."

He's glad to see Ginko looking more relaxed. It makes him feel better too, and he makes a not to give Grubbin a treat for the help later.

"Uh.. If you go to the kitchen should be one by the table." Since they live in trailers it should really only take like thirty seconds.

"You can have a drink too if you want."

"Thanks." He goes to get the chair, forgoing the offer of getting a drink for now. Once the chair is situated next to Psi's bed, he swishes his tail out of the way and sits down.

Which means... there isn't much else to talk about besides the obvious, huh.

He takes a deep breath before talking again. "So. What should we... do."

And now they got to the real question on both of their minds. Honestly the Psionic was a little surprised Ginko had been the one to bring it up. He thought he'd have to force the issue. Then again Ginko had agreed to come here already knowing what it meant, so maybe he shouldn't have been. He smiles weakly.

"I think that depends on you... I liked you even before this." And Ginko already knew that, but maybe he needed to hear it again to know the Psionics feelings were real.

"I may not have been myself, but I meant what I said."

It depends on him.

That's... honestly a little scary.

It would be one thing if Psi just weren't interested anymore - if he'd realized a relationship with Ginko wouldn't be worth it, if he felt like trying to carry it on would complicate things too much. Then they could move on with their lives and... well, it would hurt. He can't deny that, not at this point.

But it would be simple. Unlike having to... you know. Make his own emotional decisions.

He sighs and sits back on the chair, looking away. Right.

What does he want to do?

"...Before all this happened. You said that your feelings for me were related to... moirallegiance, right? Something that... humans don't have."

Instead of answering right away, he hesitates. He has memories of a life among humans now. He can understand things he had no reference for before, families and human romance to name a few. He wasn't sure anymore if he could say humans didn't have anything like what he knew as moirallegiance. Still, even if they did have something similar it wasn't quite the same, and it might not necessarily even be considered romance. It was true that he had said all of that before, and though now his feelings were stronger, he wasn't certain they were any redder than before. Neither does he have any logical basis for believing humans could be part of a typical pale romance. In the end, despite his hesitation, all he can do is nod.

"...Trolls aren't like humans." he starts, looking to Ginko, tone and expression both serious. "There's a saying I knew in Portland, 'kill or be killed.' That's what it's like all the time on Alternia... People kill without a thought. They take other's lives whenever they can because one more dead troll is one less enemy."

He's emotional by the time he finishes, and Grubbin churrs anxiously at him from under the blankets. He wishes he could be calm about this, but it's hard when he's talking about everything he hates about his world. Alternia was sick, and no one seemed to care. He couldn't stand it.

"...That's why moirallegiance is so important... Someone you can be yourself with, someone you can show your honest self to without the fear of being attacked of taken advantage of..."

Maybe if the human world was different. If life on earth was like it was on Alternia, maybe then humans would have something akin to moirallegiance. Earth wasn't Alternia though, and humans didn't have moirallegiance. The Psionic shrinks in on himself in his bed, his shoulders hunching up defensively.

Ginko's fingers curl against his legs as he picks up on how even just talking about this is affecting Psi. He... he wants to be able to help him, whatever that takes, but-- can he?

There's another pause before he answers, turning the words over in his mind until he's formed a halfway acceptable answer.

"...If you feel that way about me, I'm glad. I... want you to." He can't remember the last time he admitted to wanting someone to feel any particular way about him, but it's true. He wants Psi to trust him, to feel safe with him - he wants to be worthy of that trust.

"...But I don't know if I can be what you need. I don't... want to end up disappointing you."

He can't fail Psi, not when it comes to this. But he doesn't know if he can keep from failing him.

His eyes grow warm and he closes them, taking in a breath. After everything that had happened, and all the mistakes he'd made, how could Ginko be the one worrying about being a disappointment? It was painful to know he felt that way. Ginko could likely never disappoint him, and yet if he said that it wouldn't do any good. Ginko was going to believe what he believed and the Psionic couldn't change that, but maybe he didn't need to.

"I don't care about that." he says, voice cracking as he speaks. "I want you, the person you are right now."

The rest really didn't matter to him, in fact it might even be because of Ginko's flaws that he loved him. The way he cared so much for others, his reckless disregard for his own safety, how ridiculously easy he was to embarrass, he loved all of it. His eyes are wet, and though he presses the heel of his hand against his eyes, trying to stop himself from looking like a fool.

Ginko... doesn't even have words to reply to that at first. His eye, previously locked on his own hands, flicks to Psi's face and then away again, and when he opens his mouth to reply, nothing comes out.

He tries again, shoulders slumping, and this time he manages just one word. "Why?"

The question is just so ridiculous, he lets out a soft short laugh. Mixed with his tears it comes out sounding like a hiccup more than anything else, and his expression of sorrow from before remains the same. He wanted to know why. Psi knew there were reasons, but so many of them felt impossible to explain.

"Because you're kind, and funny, and stubborn, and quiet. You see things a totally different way than I do, you care about people, and you think about things from their view. You're... you."

And it didn't matter what Ginko did, whether he was making a joke or getting annoyed or even when he was sad, every single way in which Ginko was himself was just one more reason the Psionic loved him and how could he ever explain that. He looks to Ginko desperately, almost wanting to beg for him to stay, but not wanting to manipulate the human either. If Ginko was going to end things, he just needed to know.

He... doesn't get it. He can't. How could Psi love him for being how he is, who he is-- what has he done that's worth loving?

And yet here they are, and Psi is saying all that, and... it sounds like he means it. Somehow.

Ginko swallows hard and keeps staring at his hands. "If... if we're going to keep doing this-- we've got to start over." He almost hesitates there, but he makes himself keep going, not leaving a chance for Psi to interrupt. "The 'me' back there... he wasn't exactly like me now. I... can't jump into a relationship like it's already been going on when it... it wasn't really me before."

That other him had led a similar life, in some ways - but there were too many differences to discount. The Ginko in Portland had actually been in a relationship before, for one thing.

"...I...still have feelings for you, I think. But I... haven't before. I don't know how to do this."

If we're going to keep doing this. The words catch him off guard, and he ends up looking to Ginko eyes wide. It seemed Ginko was really willing to do this. The human might even feel the same way the Psionic did. He still had feelings for him, Ginko had said, and the sentence darts through him, forcing him to attention. In retrospect the Psionic could never see the real Ginko confessing the way he had in Portland. It had meant so much to him at the time, but hearing Ginko say he loved him now seemed impossible. This was different. It was real. Ginko was being honest with him, and though it wasn't really a love confession it was something. That's really all the Psionic had asked for.

"It's fine if you don't know... I wasn't the same me then as I am now either."

He smiles weakly, eyes still wet with tears. "There aren't any rules on how to do this except the ones we make ourselves."

Ginko lets out a weak laugh and ducks his head a little, pushing his fingers through his hair. "You sure? Seems like there are always rules I'm supposed to know about."

At least he's calm enough now that he can joke about it.

He lets out a snort of laughter, hiding his eyes with his. He's still embarrassed about how he reacted a moment ago, getting teary eyed and emotional. It's okay though, if it's in front of Ginko. He looks to his friend (boyfriend?) again, still smiling and knowing he won't be able to stop for a while. He's happy, and Ginko's somewhat timid expression is just one more thing about the human that he likes. He wants to kiss him, honestly, but well moving is tough and he doesn't want to scare Ginko off. Ginko seemed like the kind of person who would take things slow. Really slow. (And that was kind of cute too.)

"Speaking of rules... Should I just call you my boyfriend?"

Moirail or matesprit just felt a bit much right now. Not to mention that they were meaningless terms to someone like Ginko.

"Uh--" Admittedly, he hadn't really thought through that part of all this. But... well, he doesn't see why not, if they're going to be... doing this. Dating, he guesses.

"Yeah. That... that'll work. Should I do the same? For you, I mean."

He rolls his eyes, still smiling though. "Of course."

Though actually, since they were already talking about what to call each other he might as well bring it up. He doesn't really want to, it's just kind of embarrassing, but well...

"Oh... Also, Mituna really is my name... I know that wasn't us, but I just thought you should know... But don't call me that in front of the others, okay?"

Edited 2017-08-06 04:34 (UTC)

He'd kind of been wondering about that, actually - though it was somewhat eclipsed by all the other things he had to worry about. He nods, slowly; he doesn't quite get why it's such a secret here, where Psi isn't a demon, but... he'll keep it in mind.

"Alright. I won't." He hesitates, then adds, "Thank you. For telling me."

He just blushes before looking away. Getting thanked for something like that really is embarrassing.

"Don't mention it."

Edited 2017-08-06 06:07 (UTC)

Ginko blinks - then laughs, as quietly as he always does, just a soft rush of air. "Almost can't believe I got you to blush for once."

Sure, it may not be the first time it's happened, but. It's not exactly a frequent occurrence, all the same.

He winces before trying to hide his face in the pillows, which really he cant do because moving is still painful, so the effort is abandoned pretty early.

"Ginko..." He's whining. It's been a while since he was on the other side of this kind of thing. He's suddenly remembering why it kind of sucks.

Man, that is... actually really cute. Ginko laughs again, leaning over and ducking his head in a weak effort to hide his smile. "Sorry, sorry. What am I supposed to do, not say anything?"

"...No." he's still looking mildly embarrassed, but he's happy too. Ginko is laughing, and even if he's laughing at the Psionic and not with the Psionic, it's still nice to see Ginko looking happy. That feeling of wanting to please Ginko is back. It's a feeling he now realizes he hasn't had in a lot of his previous relationships. He doesn't know if that's good or bad or neither, but he likes it. Every smile felt earned, like some kind of reward, and it only made him realize how much he liked Ginko all over again. He wants to hold his hand or do something with the energy he's suddenly feeling, but he really can't. It's honestly a bit ridiculous.

"Maybe I should have waited until I could move before calling you over here."

"Mm. Maybe. But... I dunno, waiting might have given me time to overthink things."

Of course, there was no guarantee going into this that he was going to agree to continue their relationship. But he did, and that only serves to make him feel that things going even slightly differently could have ended up with a different result. And... for the moment, he'd rather assume this was the right choice.

He sure hopes it was, anyway.

In the meantime, he hesitates, just for a moment. Then he reaches over to set his hand on top of Psi's. He... doesn't actually hold his hand or anything, just puts it there, but it's something. "I'm... I'm glad you asked me to come talk."

[closed] i saw a friend of mine the other day

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