Taako (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tacosgay) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lostcarnival2018-03-05 09:57 am
tacosgay) wrote in lostcarnival2018-03-05 09:57 am
Entry tags:
the me that you know, he doesn't come around much [Closed?]
What: Taako is handed over to the proper authorities after getting his shit pushed in; the proper authorities then toss him in a cave. Foster comes over to make things worse. (Reira also helps.)
Who: Taako, Foster, and Reira
When: Day 19
Where: Jail.Where Taako belongs.
Warnings: The Adventure Zone: Balance spoilers, strong language, Foster. Possibly other stuff that I'll add later.
Taako must have gotten killed. Well... to be exact, Dupree must have, which, first off, how? What the fuck? And second, shit. Waking up in the medical tent had been disorienting, but at least then he hadn't had the energy to feel properly upset about it; here in the fucking time-out cave, he's perfectly aware enough to feel every bit of pissed off that he truly is at Peridot and Jasper for fucking things up so bad. Do they even know what they've done?
Pff, probably not. That seems to be a theme for the non-Harbingers. They have no fuckin' clue, and they're very, very vocal about it. Also violent.
All of this would honestly be fine if it weren't for the additional fact that his magic has been stripped from him-- both Harbinger and otherwise. He's a wizard who can't cast. He's pretty much utterly useless now, just some asshole in a cave, waiting to see what his former boss/kidnapper is going to do with him when she can't just snap her fingers and "fix" him.
He's sitting, silent, with his back against the wall of the cave, his arms folded across his chest and gaze directed pointedly at the dirt. There's a heat and intensity in that gaze that is very, very unusual for him; but just beneath it is total hopelessness.
Without his magic, he's useless. And RM isn't known for returning what she's taken; not without something in return. But Taako has nothing else to give her this time. She already has his time, his actual physical being, and now his magic. So, he supposes, this must be it. He just has to wait and see what the carnival does with fuckups like him.
Who: Taako, Foster, and Reira
When: Day 19
Where: Jail.
Warnings: The Adventure Zone: Balance spoilers, strong language, Foster. Possibly other stuff that I'll add later.
Taako must have gotten killed. Well... to be exact, Dupree must have, which, first off, how? What the fuck? And second, shit. Waking up in the medical tent had been disorienting, but at least then he hadn't had the energy to feel properly upset about it; here in the fucking time-out cave, he's perfectly aware enough to feel every bit of pissed off that he truly is at Peridot and Jasper for fucking things up so bad. Do they even know what they've done?
Pff, probably not. That seems to be a theme for the non-Harbingers. They have no fuckin' clue, and they're very, very vocal about it. Also violent.
All of this would honestly be fine if it weren't for the additional fact that his magic has been stripped from him-- both Harbinger and otherwise. He's a wizard who can't cast. He's pretty much utterly useless now, just some asshole in a cave, waiting to see what his former boss/kidnapper is going to do with him when she can't just snap her fingers and "fix" him.
He's sitting, silent, with his back against the wall of the cave, his arms folded across his chest and gaze directed pointedly at the dirt. There's a heat and intensity in that gaze that is very, very unusual for him; but just beneath it is total hopelessness.
Without his magic, he's useless. And RM isn't known for returning what she's taken; not without something in return. But Taako has nothing else to give her this time. She already has his time, his actual physical being, and now his magic. So, he supposes, this must be it. He just has to wait and see what the carnival does with fuckups like him.
no subject
no subject
Not as long as the Ringmaster opposes the Void, he can't.
So, he serves Creation, for Her, and Taako will either have to overcome him or succumb to it. He thinks he knows enough about Taako to predict which it'll be.
"Nope!" he replies in a bright tone. Then, emboldened:
"I don't think your sister would like that."
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"Hey, here's a fuckin' idea, how about you don't presume to know anything about my fucking sister, who you've never even met? What about that, huh?"
His voice is shaking slightly, outrage at Foster's nerve for daring to bring her up in this context making his frame stiff where he sits against the wall.
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"Are you telling me that she would be happy with this?" he wants to know. He's even genuine about it, casual and up-front and curious. One front hoof paws the stone. He crosses his arms, but not defensively.
"It was just a guess. But she seemed pretty important to you, so I figured you would care about what she wanted." You know, whether the multiverse was ending or not, and by whose hand.
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The worst fucking part is that it's completely working.
It feels as though a very literal knife has been shoved into Taako's chest, an ache that starts out dull, but grows harder and harder to ignore the more he thinks about it. It's spreading through his ribs and squeezing at his lungs, making it difficult for him to even breathe.
"Yeah, and I'm sure you care so much how I feel about my sister, right?" Taako shoots right back at him, his tone sharp and cruel. "You've never given a shit about anybody, not even yourself, so I'm so totally sure you're super worried about my relationship with my sister."
Taako picks himself up, looming over the toy Foster angrily.
"Look, I don't have the patience to put up with whatever bullshit scheme you're trying to pull right now, so why don't you just come out with it and tell me what you're actually doing here, huh?"
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The word might as well be a piano dropped through the roof and into the conversation between them. He actually drops the smile, if only momentarily.
"I know you remember Portland. Did you think I forgot?" hat's as far as it goes before the smile comes back--it's thinner, though not bitterly. Just rueful. Whether self-deprecatingly or condescendingly is less clear. At least it brightens back up after another second.
"You want to know something interesting? Amethyst was also chosen by the Void. She's a familiar now."
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He simply stares at Foster for a moment, eyes wide.
... and then, all at once, his cool facade slips back into place, and he folds his arms, staring down at Foster.
"... I don't see what that's got to do with me? I mean, listen, it sucks that you two are on opposite sides and all that now, but, uh... frankly, I'm rooting for our side anyway, so, like..." He shrugs. Deep down, he does understand; he can't imagine having Lup turned against him in any capacity. He has no idea what he would even do in that situation, how he would fucking stand it, but...
Amethst isn't Lup. And Amethyst is on the right side, as far as Taako is concerned.
Taako tilts his head smugly, shrugging.
"Maybe you should just, you know, come join us too. Boom, problem solved."
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"If only." If only the Void had answered him. If only Herbert hadn't done that. If only the inevitable meant something to anyone except him. But he knows it doesn't. If this staging has shown him anything, it's that it doesn't, that what he suffers for, what he suffers from is still an affliction unique to him, that the desolation and misery, the agony of others is nothing like the one known to him at all.
"But I don't think it matters. You know I have no time left--and what I do have is wasted on me! So don't delude yourself into caring what I do with it. Amethyst doesn't. What she does without me doesn't matter. Trash isn't worth that kind of time. But you haven't seen Lup in.... how long? It was a pretty long time.... are you okay with that?" His little eyes are locked with Taako's, both his smile and his intentions perversely sincere.
"That's what I don't understand." He drops it briefly to divert himself, conversational for just a moment. But he picks right back up again.
"The multiverse includes her too, you know. Maybe that's your plan. She'll never know what hit her. What happened, before it's over. Or what happened to you. It's almost painless." Almost?
Ha ha.
"Of course, painless is as painless does. I mean, you're not me."
He left his own parents in ignorance out of kindness, because that's the kind of mercy he could give. Because that's the merciful end to giving life to some idiotic garbage that would never mean anything, never matter at all. The merciful end to giving birth to, living with, being responsible for a disease.
They already knew, they all knew how it would end. But no one wants to be there for it.
Except him.
Ignorance really is bliss.
The only difference is he can't ignore it.
But Taako--oh, Taako can. He remembers Taako weeping over the mere memory of his sister. Teeth gritted, fists clenched, voice raised. He remembers Taako's grief and his fury. And he remembers Taako before and Taako after. Lup is something to him. Something dear.
Maybe the only dear thing in the world. So what? He has something.
"So if you want to serve the end, then please, do it! End this, end all of it--it's the least you can do." There's a pause for silence, the kind Taako probably remembers--
"But do you really want to end everything without seeing her again?"
no subject
It's the most outright, sincere rage that Foster has seen from Taako in some time-- quite possibly ever. His breathing is different now, shorter, his eyes shining dangerously, painfully as he stares furiously at Foster, every muscle wound tight. His posture, usually so lazy, lax, is now that of a snake preparing to strike, coiled and tense, but he has no fangs to strike with, so there can be no resolution.
Those words erupt from Taako all at once, as though they surprise even him, his voice sharp and quick, the thrust of a blade; if only there weren't this barrier between them. If only his magic weren't locked away from him.
And then, for a second, he seems confused; no. He has to do this. It's for the best, he knows it is, whether Lup agrees with him or not. It's okay for her to disagree with him, isn't it? They're both adults. They won't always agree on things.
Right?
And once they're in the void, once he's pitched everything into darkness, they'll be together eternally, in a way.
But not as themselves. But does that matter?
His thoughts stir furiously inside of his skull, and his hands move to tangle into his thick curls as he sinks back to the floor in a sitting position, trembling just slightly. He can't stop thinking about it. He can't stop seeing her face, every time he closes his eyes.
She...
"You don't-- fucking know anything about this. You don't fucking get it, okay? So lay off and go... ruin somebody else's life. You're really good at that."
His voice is shaking and wet at the edges.
no subject
Because he does know something about this. He knows everything about this. Everything that matters. He knows what Taako thinks. He knows because he does, in fact, fucking get it.
Another time, he'd laugh--and laughing, say of course he doesn't, of course, he's too stupid to possibly understand. He has no empathy for other people. He never has--what other people think and feel is inscrutable to him. Meaningless. Nonsense and noise. As far as he can divine, those emotions exist in a different world, on the kind of higher plane actual people inhabit and not worthless, stupid garbage, like him.
But this?
He does laugh--and laughing, he smiles, as though he he's totally willing to believe it.
But instead of the expected, what he says is "Okay. Then I want you to look me in the eye and say that you're fine with never seeing her again."
no subject
Standing there didn't reveal any oddness of course. Hiding around the corner, feeling the initially cool and then steadily rising tension of their anger and upset shows nothing more than that-though it is certainly strange to feel emotions so purely from Foster, she supposes.
Reira does not reveal herself however, not even before they speak. Instead she stands around the corner and frowns, listening. Her daemon- currently a momonga squirrel on her shoulder, thought it more beneficial perhaps. Foster had seemed certain about...something, involving the Harbringers right? So maybe there was something to it.
It is so confusing however. Portland being mentioned again, this matter of ending it all, not ending it, and so forth. And naturally, it's no surprise that Foster is...well, an advocate for that. He'd certainly made that clear before, and she doubts his opinion would change in a matter of hours.
But everything else...
'Do you really want to end it all without seeing her again?'
Somehow it is those words that cut. She doesn't know who 'Lup' is. Someone important, given Taako's rising response, someone very, very important, but no one she knows. But something about that statement hits her, more so as Taako answers-as he protests, insists in his anger that Foster doesn't know, he can't know, he-
It is the calm that has her snap, and without thinking she peers around the corner, taking in Foster's demand. But somehow all she hears is something else, all she hears is something she said, that mean, cruel thing that was supposed to make it better, and alright, and...
'Wouldn't you rather have your real sister?' She had said, and even though she'd agreed not to leave, she had done it anyway.
She didn't give him a chance, did she? She didn't, and without thinking there are tears watering and she tears around the corner with a muffled, grunting cry that cuts short as it meets stuffed fur and cloth. Her arms wrap around from under the other's forelegs-squeezing, and squeezing tight, and there was something to be said perhaps, about the supposed link between hugging 'cute things' and wanting nothing more than to squeeze so hard that it simply snapped in half and stopped breathing but she can't even think to try that so instead as tears stain the back of Foster's stupid pink coat her legs wobble, and her arms simply give way to dropping the thing an inch or so to the side.
Foster on the ground. She herself, standing there. In front of the cell. Head bowed, and eyes hidden.
...And she's quiet. And shaking. And.
"...n...no one." And her daemon tries to muzzle against her wet chin but it means hardly anything when there is still so much in the air, a never-ending, stressfilled reminder of what she did, almost did, and only 'almost' because of someone else's wish.
"....No one...wants to disappear without warning someone like that." She could even say it for Foster, perhaps-with the excuse of inconvenience over convenience, making sure no one wasted a breath over even searching, but these words are far, far from being meant for Foster's velveteen ears. "....n...not even if everyone is supposed to go...a...And..."
...
She didn't....give that warning...
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"Reira. Listen. I get what you and even... even Foster are trying to say here, okay? I get it." Despite the anger in his tone, his voice is shaking just slightly, there's still a pit of agony low in his chest, and it's radiating out to his head and his lungs and everything. "But here's the thing: I don't give a shit. Do you understand?"
He's tried to end the world twice before-- once actively, once by losing his will to care. This time is a combination of the two, and infinitely more painful than either one, if only for the reasons that they're trying their best to point out to him.
"I know what I have to do, and I'm not... I can't not do it. Shit's gone south, and whether it's us or the fucking Hunger, we're all pretty much boned either way. If I can't fucking stop it, I may as well be the one in the driver's seat, right?"
Better that than doing nothing. Better to get it over with quickly than to suffer and pointlessly fight. Better to go quietly into numbness than to keep hurting like this as they continue to watch everything they thought they knew fall apart. Taako has seen many worlds end; he's lost friends, loved ones as they went. This won't be his first time watching the apocalypse roll in, but he intends for it to be his last.
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Reira's arrival is so sudden, her arms wrapping tight around him--he's lifted off the ground by her without warning, still squeezed about the middle by her small and unwelcome arms, he can feel something wet in his fur--and then he's dropped, which would actually be a relief but for the repulsive feeling turning his stomach, crawling in and under his skin and through his nerves.
It does give Reira the stage, though, and he does hear her even if his attention to it is... hampered, both by the alien nature of her emotion and how much he would like to cease existing right the fuck now.
This has already been exhausting--pretending to be 'himself,' whoever or whatever that really is, doing and saying the things he knows should feel right to him but somehow don't, like whatever he's supposed to be is on the other side of a glass pane--is exhausting. He knows what the right thing is, but it doesn't feel right at all and he's exhausted and miserable trying to keep up with it, with chasing it down.
And Foster understands what Taako means when he says those words, he understands it so deeply that he feels it. The need to not only go down with the ship but be the one to steer it to its fateful, its fatal course. How could he not--it's the only time he does feel, the crash and pull of the tides of fate, the crushing nearness of that terrible space, the exhilarating, awful power of knowing exactly the precipice on which you stand--!
And knowing that by your hand, each next wave could be the one to bring its fall upon you, to in so doing feel it either lift you up or take you with it--!
But Taako is also pretending--he's pretending to be him, playing at being Foster himself with this fake fatalism and sight of truth that Foster can see right through, so full of holes and flimsy, paper-thin layers that he gives lip service to but for which he never follows through.
Taako can lie like a dog, but there's not mistaking it: he's shamefully faithful to Lup, cares about her so deeply that even Foster can tell.
His professed devotion to the Void is not only meaningless but insulting.
So when he speaks from the floor, it's to Taako and only to Taako.
"That doesn't sound like not giving a shit to me."
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She does that enough with Foster for the sake of the other just doing 'right' by himself, after all, and Foster is right here, making it worse. "...I DIDN'T COME HERE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING!" she shouts, eyes squeezed shut while she directs her focus to Taako. And then, in silence, she chokes, and shakes, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "I wasn't going to talk at all..! ...I just wanted to see if they were right-about the Harbringers having 'weird feelings'..! But they're not weird at all-they're just normal feelings, like people have when it looks like nothing's going to be alright, like hi-"
There is a hiccup, though it seems more as though she was about to say 'him'. "L...Like people who want everything to just stop..." she 'finishes', trying but failing to use a deep breath to steady her words. "...They're normal feelings," she continues, still trembling. "J...Just like his are, now," the girl adds, glancing only briefly at the bear on the floor. "...And even if something happens to make someone feel something, that doesn't make the feeling fake. ...it's a feeling, and that's real."
But that's not the point. That. ...That isn't the point at all, and as she said, she didn't come to talk about it in the first place. "....It doesn't matter what you, or anyone think about it right now," she says quietly. "...If it's going to stop, it will. And... ...I don't think it will, not really, I guess. So...you're sort of right, to think I was thinking that. For me...kg...I guess... ...For me, it's not as bad as it could be," Reira determines, glancing aside with her shadowed eyes. "...There are... ...lots of worse things, things I know are worse, that aren't here, in this place" the girl says gently. "...things that mean everything really does have to stop, and start over again with something new." That was, after all, what happened with Zarc.
"...but..." She swallows. She can't talk about that, after all. "...That doesn't mean I'm going to tell you to think it won't end. ...No one is the same person. ...That wouldn't be right at all. So if people want to disagree, they should be able to. Whoever is wrong, we find out no matter what... But..."
But Foster's words from earlier echo, and the girl chews her lip. Her fists tighten, and shake, and she deliberately keeps her gaze away from that bear. "...but...n...no one should leave, without warning their most important person, if they can," Reira insists, half choking once again. And her head is still, even now, bowed. Her eyes still hidden, her arms, as stiff as the clenched fists shaking violently against her sides. "A-And...n...no one should have to pretend it's not going to hurt, when they say goodbye..!" she continues-for it was Foster's words which made her react, not Taako's. It was Foster's needling, and poking, and prying, that made her rush out-Not Taako's. And it's not fair, it's not right, but the words are echoing in her own ears just as much as they likely did in Taako's own, dancing with the sensation of a hurt that doesn't mark the skin. "N- ...Not when you say goodbye to them, or to everything else, w..whether it's the world going away, or j..Or just them! No one can make that 'not hurt', and...and no should make anyone pretend..! ...D...Doing that is... ...Doing that is..."
...It would be the cruelest thing, undoubtedly, and what was more, if it hadn't been for Yuuya, she would have done that herself. Left alone with words that she had never truly apologized for, and an infant that wouldn't have been her-not ever again. The girl's legs finally give out-along with her voice, cracking into more broken and open sobs.
"Kghkh...Kgh..gh... ...T...Taako," she manages, finally letting the light hit them as tears shine across wide and puffy eyes. "...I did s...something really...really wrong, I think..."
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The things Reira are saying... Taako literally can't actually say that she's wrong. That's the part that makes this the hardest. If he could just tell her she was full of shit, man, that would sure be great! And maybe it would stop the aching in his chest! And maybe he could fucking breathe! But nope, he's just going to continue hurting, the exact thing he's trying to get rid of if these chucklefucks would just let him do it.
But Taako just wants to get one thing totally straight:
"Listen... sorry, pumpkin, but, uh... I mean, like I said: even if you guys stop the Void, there's still the Hunger coming right behind it from my world, and it's already eaten pretty much every other world it's come across. It's literally just a matter of when it's gonna get here. Sooner or later, that thing is going to chew its way through the prime material plane, and then it's headed to the next place, and, eventually, this weird little pocket dimension is definitely going down in its gob, too. So we may as well get used to it: the end of the world is pretty much coming no matter what."
They spent 100 year battling the Hunger, and not once were able to make a dent in it. Now that the Void is coming in from the other side, it feels more and more like they really are destined to be consumed-- by one void or another, it doesn't really matter. The outcome is the same.
"... and... like-- I get why you're freaked out about it, but, let's be really, super honest here: is that really such a bad thing? I mean... think about it." He honestly can't speak for Reira; he doesn't know that much about her life, but it's always sounded like she's had a hard time of it. Foster, Taako knows has been ready for the end of all things for years now. And Taako himself... after so many years of repeatedly losing everything, of nothing being permanent... it's honestly easier to think about saying goodbye forever than it is saying goodbye only to continue greeting another temporary new beginning, at this point. On some level, Lup and the others must feel the same, right? Even if they wouldn't admit it. He saw how much pain she was in over what her creation did to the world. He knows how much more she's going to hurt when she learns that it's taken another city, hundreds more innocent lives. But she doesn't have to hurt at all, ever again, not if the Void does its thing.
"... believe me when I say: I want to tell Lup what's up." His voice is shaking slightly, splitting just a bit beneath the surface. His gaze wavers, dancing between Reira, Foster, and the dirt. "Like... I mean... she's my sister, and she's honestly always kind of been the cooler one, but don't you fuckin' dare tell her I said that? But..."
He tips his head back to stare at the ceiling; heat is pricking at his eyes, and he furrows his brow, trying to ignore it.
"... that doesn't mean she always knows what's right. You can't always just... fix things, that's kinda... not really how life... works. Sometimes, you just have to sort of... throw it out."
just drive a knife right here, through my heart, goodbye-
But tries to continue-tries to relate to the other's words (because that hurt is there and it's so strong, so very, very strong, and it shocks down to the core the more it's there)-tries, with her words feeling like syrup chalking up her throat. "...my..n...niisama..." There is a hiccup. And...
"...Niisama is...the first one who said I wasn't just 'empty'," Reira whispers. "...For me...he's d...definitely the 'coolest'," she decides, not quite familiar with the descriptor. "...I thought...if it means he can stay alive, and have a happy family...then it's ok to stop existing, right..?"
She didn't say goodbye properly-and she supposes now she'll have that chance again, but-
"...If I wasn't here, I wouldn't exist anymore," Reira finally reveals, swallowing thickly. "...Everything was going to go away. Everything already almost did. ...And someone had to fix it...but...I th...I think the way I did it...wasn't as good as I thought it would be... ...I s... I told him it was going to be better with R....With his other sister, instead of me... And...and that wasn't true, and I think it hurt him, a lot..!" The admittance comes on shaking breaths-but she cannot help but feel some ounce of determination to try and do more than just explain things. Because indeed- "And... ...If I wasn't here, that would be how it happened... I'd be gone, and...and he wouldn't get to hear...a...anything else, but..."
...
"...When there's still time left, you can do...little things. They're not big things," Reira clarifies, chewing her lip. "...They can't make the ending happen slower. ...But if there's still time left...I want to use it for something anyway. Because I can make someone like niisama smile again. I...I can make someone happy, just for a little bit," the girl chokes. "It's not about fixing it...it..." Deep breaths.
Deep breaths-it's an extension of what she already thought-what she already believed-but just thinking about it and how there is a chance, that just being here means she's not gone and her brother doesn't have to think she's gone and-
"...When this pillar goes away, I don't know if my world will. ...They said lots of places will end. ...But we don't know if ours will, right away...so even for that little bit of time, even if I know it has to stop soon... ...I think, as long as you use that time to do things like say goodbye, and make the important people laugh, and smile, and feel just a little better, for a little bit... ...that's better than throwing it out. ...It doesn't need help to get thrown out-it can do that alone."
"We have the time before that for a reason though, I think. Time to just...make someone else feel a little better. Even if it doesn't change anything else. ...you still made someone important feel better."
...She thinks she knows what to do, when she sees her brother again, now.
no subject
There's something uncanny about the child, about her timing and her understanding, something strange and knowing and prescient. About what she says, and how and when she says it.
He listens from the floor, still lying on his side where Reira ignominously dumped him. He listens, but doesn't say anything while she bares her heart to Taako, rips open her soul and bleeds tears and grief onto the stone beneath their feet.
But whatever is happening between Taako and Reira is exclusively between Taako and Reira; or at least, he isn't feeling any part of it, if he's even supposed to be.
He doubts it. That's why she threw him aside, after all! His usefulness ended, she got rid of him, discarding him like the trash he is.
His nerves feel like they were removed and replaced upside-down, his thoughts snarled and empty all at once. Something she says--one thing, briefly, catches his attention, but he shuts that down before his too-fast thoughts, too-eager self can take it where it doesn't belong.
He's ready to stop existing any second now.