[closed]

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and Ginko
What: Dealing with the Rose Queen has brought to the surface some memories that would rather be forgotten.
When: Shortly before the camping stop
Where: The Menagerie
Warnings: The discussion and effects of parental-child abuse, eventually


If anything, he feels like sleep should be coming to him easier now that they've gotten Steven back.

Not only Steven, either, but everyone else who was taken from them- they got them back, too. Some of them, admittedly, not... entirely whole... but they were gotten back regardless. Better to go through some rough patches and come back then none and stay with creatures like that, right?

So he should be able to rest well, instead of the frantic anxiousness which had overtaken him when they'd all been planning and waiting, leaving him with short naps instead of proper sleep.

But he can't. In a way he can't explain, there's a switch of anxiety in him, a different sort of tension. It's as if he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if he's waiting for something to come crashing down on him.

And it is only him, when he takes a second to examine his feelings. For a while, he assume it's because of, well.... Everything else. The fae courts on them no doubt even harder, the things they all had to do, whatever flaming trainwreck is happening within the Nightrider.... That'd be enough to stress any of them out. He's pretty sure everyone is, on some level. But no. No, when he thinks of his anxiety, it's not for all of them, but him in particular. It's left him feeling as if he's a hair away from lashing out at someone, or breaking down into tears.

And he still has to talk to Doll, something which he's been avoiding because of all this. Fantastic.

At some time before, Joker knows what he would have done, which would have been force all of it down after trying to avoid his own family for ages, at least here in the carnival, before forcing himself through an unfortunate conversation. Now, however, well.... He knows there's an offer on the metaphorical table. It's just that picking it up, metaphorically, isn't doing anything for his stress.

Still. It's taken a couple of days, but here he is, trying to avoid Feathers' desire to still go up to his shoulder. The result is him, walking backwards in the menagerie, while he tries to reason with the human-sized owl.

"No. Noooo. Feathers- stop, don't ya flap yer wings like that at me. How have ya not realized that yer at least two feet taller now, ya dim tit?"

Feathers coos.

Comments

[dontpokethat]

"...Why would you... never mind."

Now isn't the time to ponder Joker's (still entirely baffling) attraction to him. Instead, Ginko takes a breath before he starts talking. They don't have time to go into the full version of the story again, but...

"I told you about... a pair of siblings I stayed with for a while, back in Japan. The younger brother had found an area in the mountains where mushi became active every winter, and had been going there to gather greens to refresh their food stores. But, because of the mushi, he would then fall into a deep sleep for the rest of winter, and not wake up until spring.

"His older sister appreciated that he was helping them get by - but she was worried about him. And the fact that he wouldn't tell her where he was going, or what was happening, and just brushed off her questions, didn't help. Even if she couldn't stop him from doing it, just understanding what was happening, and being able to help however she could, would have been better."

He looks pointedly at Joker, raising his eyebrows slightly. "I understand why you're hesitating. But, when it comes down to it, you can't keep doing this - and I don't want to have to re-use the lecture I gave to an eight-year-old on--"

Shit. What does he call him. His boyfriend? Partner? "...On you."

[pipers_son]

He'll gladly tell Ginko all about his good features... but maybe at a later date. For now, he stays quiet, listening to the story that sounds so faintly familiar to his ears. When Ginko finishes, he gives a quiet huff that could maybe be a laugh in better circumstances.

"Ya would be the first ta do so." But that's not the point. He finally stops fiddling with his antlers, although it hardly makes him feel better. "What if... even if I do tell her what I'm doin', it doesn't do anythin' for her?"

[dontpokethat]

"...In some cases, that might be unavoidable." Because some of what you do is stupid, Joker. "But I think you'll have a better chance of smoothing things over if you keep her informed than if you don't. And, if it starts to get too far out of hand, even after that, I can talk to her."

That would be a hell of a conversation, but... he's hoping it doesn't come to that.

[pipers_son]

Well.... That's something, he guesses. It's not as bad, if he has someone behind him. A new feeling, honestly. Joker mulls over it, letting Feathers cuddle up into his neck best the large bird can.

"...What if tellin' her that sorta truth leads ta older ones?" he asks after a moment, not making eye contact. "About... old things. Things she can't change but'll still feel horrible about?"

[dontpokethat]

"Then... maybe she needs to know those things."

It kind of hurts, just saying it. He doesn't want Doll to be hurt any more than Joker does - but it's not fair to her to keep hiding everything. "I know it sounds counter-intuitive. But... she already does feel horrible, with the way things are. Maybe admitting to everything, even things that may upset her, would be better than hiding it all."

He lets out a breath, and finds himself having to look away for a moment. "I know you want to carry all of this - the present and the past, all of it - on your own. And of course it'll take some adjustment for Doll to carry it with you. But you've got to realize how much she'll prefer that to being left in the dark."

[pipers_son]

Would it really be better? Joker stares off at some piece of air, not really seeing what's in front of him. Would airing out all that bloody, dirty laundry really make her happier? Would it make things alright between them? Ginko's right. It does sound counter-intuitive. But maybe...

After a long moment of miserable thought, he stirs, and continues to not look back at Ginko. "When we were lil' uns... Nobody wanted us. Not even our own families. We were miserable nearly our whole childhoods, because we didn't have neither roof or food. We woulda starved ta death, eventually. Got sick, maybe, and died that way." He takes a shaky breath, feeling hollow and fragile. "When we were taken in... Even when things started gettin' dark, and he started askin' me ta do.. the worst bleedin' things... I just wanted ta make sure they could be happy. Healthy. That meant not sayin' anythin', at least what they didn't already know because we all had ta go along with it." Another breath, and his eyes are starting to ache.

Against his better wishes, his own thoughts, Joker looks back to Ginko again with his face crumple up. "Jus' wanted 'em ta be happy," he says, voice cracking. Feathers coos quietly.

[dontpokethat]

God, it hurts just seeing Joker like this, and once again there's that ache in his chest, the pressing need to do whatever it takes to make him feel better. But, now, he can't even be sure what that is. He can't be sure there's anything at all.

He can try to help, sure. He can try to sort things out between Joker and Doll. But he hates that it might make things worse in the moment. He doesn't want to see that on Joker's face, but he doesn't know that it's avoidable.

On impulse he moves a hand to Joker's face, resting his fingers gently against his jaw. "I know you want Doll to be happy. And she does, too. But that won't work as long as she feels like you're trying to shut her out."

[pipers_son]

"I know." He shudders, stomach twisted up funny at the simple touch of Ginko's palm. It's a new experience, to be touched while he's like this. Usually, he's isolated, alone, trying to pull the shattered pieces of himself together just enough so that he can hide it all behind yet another mask. It's hard for him to say if he likes it or not. "I know, but I'd rather-"

Do a lot of things than tell her, honestly, but he doesn't get a chance to say that. Instead, Feathers coos louder and, using the full mass of his feathery body, begins to shove Joker closer towards Ginko. That sure snaps him out of it. "Oi, Feathers, what-"

No. No questions. Only group hug. That includes you, Ginko, because if those wings can hold feathery projectiles, they can hold you.

[dontpokethat]

"--Oh." Well, he supposes that's one way to keep Joker from going into another circular line of thought. But, also, he really was not prepared to be dragged into a sudden group hug with his boyfriend and said boyfriend's giant owl.

It's unexpected enough, in fact, for Ginko to go silent for a few moments, one hand still on Joker's jaw, the other moving reflexively to rest on Feathers' shoulder.

That silence doesn't last long, though, before it's broken by a short, disbelieving laugh. "...Guess that's Feathers' input, then."

[pipers_son]

Shit. When Ginko laughs, that has Joker laugh too- although he suspects his comes off with just a tinge too much hysteria. His mind isn't in the right place at all.

"Bloody hell, Feathers, we were havin' a moment." It was a miserable and emotional moment, but it was some sort of moment. Joker surrenders, letting his forehead bump against Ginko's shoulder. He might get a mouthful of ear and metal, but that's what he signed up for when he agreed to be in a relationship with Joker.

[dontpokethat]

He can still definitely hear what a mess Joker is, and that still prods at him, in the back of his mind.

But he's pretty sure they could both use a break from talking about it all, if only a momentary one. So, after letting out an amused snort at the ear and jewelry bapping against his face, he twists to press his lips to the arch of Joker's cheekbone, right by the base of his ear.

1/3

[pipers_son]

Ah-

2/3

[pipers_son]

Was that-

3/3

[pipers_son]

"Did ya just kiss me?"

He knows that's just what happened. He can still feel Ginko's warm breath by his skin, and the tingle, right near the base of his ear where those lips touched. It's just.... Somehow, he wasn't expecting it at all.

[dontpokethat]

Ginko blinks, and pulls back a little, as best he can when they're pulled into close quarters like this. Which probably means he's getting an ear to the face again.

"Uh-- yes. Sorry, should I not have?"

[pipers_son]

An ear and jewelry, but, hey. That's the price one pays for love. In return, of course, Ginko gets to see that comical look of surprise that's all over Joker's face.

"But I was gonna do it ta ya!"

[dontpokethat]

It only takes a moment of taking in that look before Ginko's look of startled doubt becomes a delighted, and thoroughly entertained, smile.

"Well, maybe you should be faster next time."

[pipers_son]

"Now, that's rude," he argues, even though he's visibly fighting his own smile just seeing Ginko's. "I was bein' polite, now, wasn't I, givin' ya all the time in the world. Then I was gonna do somethin' properly romantic, make it the kinda heart stoppin' thing that would win ya over in no time."

Like they're not already dating.

[dontpokethat]

"You don't need to worry about that; you won me over a long time ago."

...

Wow, that... sure came out of his mouth before he could think better of it. He ducks his head slightly, as if burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulder will protect him from the sappiest thing he has ever said.

[pipers_son]

That is incredibly unfair of Ginko. After all, how else is Joker supposed to act? He's left staring up vaguely towards the ceiling as Ginko hides his face in his shoulder. Still squeezed up against them, Feathers softly hoots as if this were his plan all along. Does the daft bird even know what's going on...?

After a second, Joker gives another soft and fragile laugh. "I don't know what I did ta deserve ya, Ginko." He's pretty sure it's not enough.

[dontpokethat]

Ginko snorts, and turns and lifts his head a little so that he can talk. Conveniently, this does put his face right by Joker's ear again, so he doesn't really have to speak up.

"Depends on if you mean that as a good thing or not. ...But, either way, I don't know that 'deserving' really comes into it. I... like this. Being with you. So, as long as you feel the same, maybe that's enough."

Maybe he also needs to convince himself of that. As long as Joker is happy with this - it's okay. Probably.

[pipers_son]

"Yeah." His fingers curl lightly against Ginko's sides. "Maybe that's it." It's not something he can really believe in so confidently, but, well... What's the alternative, really?

Breathing into Ginko's hair, his fingers tighten for a moment. "...I just need ta figure out what ta say ta her," he says quietly, picking up a conversation that'd nearly been forgotten with Feathers' insistence. "Where ta even start."

[dontpokethat]

Right. There's that whole topic.

"...Apologizing would probably be a good start. Telling her you know you messed up on the radio."

[pipers_son]

"Well, the start's easy." An apology is simple enough to get out. But... "S'the parts after that'll give it any weight, huh?"

Because if what follows after the apology doesn't have enough weight, then the apology itself won't have enough weight. It'll just end up a shallow platitude, and that will make things even worse between them. Joker knows that much... just another part of what has him so tentative about taking even that first step.

It won't hurt as bad if he doesn't try at all, right? There's no expectations, that way.

[dontpokethat]

"Maybe. But that start is still pretty important."

He studies Joker's expression for a few seconds, his brow furrowing. "...I can help you two talk through it, if you need me to."