Susan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wild_magic) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lostcarnival2016-12-02 11:06 pm
wild_magic) wrote in lostcarnival2016-12-02 11:06 pm
dumb brothers
who: these assholes again
where: a phone to leave the matrix
when: after susan's failed attempt at matchmaking
what: susan finally heads back to the carnival, but his brother is waiting for him
Susan didn't really have anywhere to storm off to here, like he does back home or even at the Carnival, but that didn't stop him from running off when he was angry at Lauren. He would go back, but it would be so much easier for Lauren to find him at the Carnival than it is here, and he doesn't want to talk to him yet. Not until he stopped being mad. Not until Lauren was done being mad, too, and wouldn't yell about how Susan did something wrong when he was only trying to help.
Without anywhere specific to go, Susan ends up wandering for quite a while before finally giving in and deciding to head back.
...But before he can even get there, he sees his stupid brother, and he stops for a moment before continuing to walk forward, not saying anything to him. He knows Lauren's going to still be mad, and he doesn't want to hear it right now.
where: a phone to leave the matrix
when: after susan's failed attempt at matchmaking
what: susan finally heads back to the carnival, but his brother is waiting for him
Susan didn't really have anywhere to storm off to here, like he does back home or even at the Carnival, but that didn't stop him from running off when he was angry at Lauren. He would go back, but it would be so much easier for Lauren to find him at the Carnival than it is here, and he doesn't want to talk to him yet. Not until he stopped being mad. Not until Lauren was done being mad, too, and wouldn't yell about how Susan did something wrong when he was only trying to help.
Without anywhere specific to go, Susan ends up wandering for quite a while before finally giving in and deciding to head back.
...But before he can even get there, he sees his stupid brother, and he stops for a moment before continuing to walk forward, not saying anything to him. He knows Lauren's going to still be mad, and he doesn't want to hear it right now.
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Even angry like this, he can't bring himself to try and hurt Lauren, even if it would let him get through. He's mad at him, for him not understanding, for him saying Susan is in the wrong, and even though Susan doesn't want to admit any fault for it that still doesn't mean he's going to take it out on his brother. He just needs to get out of here.
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He hates that Susan always does that. He absolutely hates it.
"I'm your brother, can you at least care enough about that to listen to what I say!"
He doesn't even make the conscious decision to flip languages, he's just so emotional from everything that's happened today and so upset that he falls back into it without thinking. This was the language he first learned to speak.
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"I don't want to." Susan doesn't even match him, his stubbornness not letting him even follow his brother's lead there. He's done with this conversation.
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"Fine." Lauren slides down the door sitting in front of it. There's no point in talking if Susan isn't even going to listen. But like hell is he going to let Susan through this door.
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But he hurt Lauren's feelings, by doing it, and he'd hurt Carly's feelings too, and he knew that wasn't good. He knew he should apologize. He hates apologizing, because it means he did something wrong, and he doesn't like admitting maybe he did something wrong... Especially when he didn't think it was a big deal.
He just wished Lauren could understand better. Maybe if Lauren wasn't so shy then he wouldn't have had to do it and they wouldn't be mad at each other.
He doesn't like Lauren being mad at him. It hurts, it's like Lauren saying there's something wrong with him, and he knows there's nothing wrong with him... But when Lauren's mad he feels like maybe there is.
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It didn't matter why Susan had done it, the fact of the matter was that doing it at all was wrong. He wondered if Susan couldn't see that. Maybe to Susan anything was fine if it got the right result, but Lauren doubted it. He knew how important helping people was to his brother. Lauren doesn't want to believe someone like Susan, who was willing to do so much for strangers, would be okay with anyone getting hurt. But then why else would he fight so hard against acknowledging his mistake.
Was he embarrassed? Lauren understood feeling embarrassed, but he'd never fought so hard against acknowledging it. If Susan had just told him he was embarrassed Lauren would be understanding and want to help! But Susan never talked to Lauren about his feelings. If Susan was angry or sad or any other kind of feeling he just felt it. He acted on his feelings immediately without worrying whether something was right or wrong. Susan never tried to talk about or understand his feeling, he almost never even acknowledged them.
Lauren didn't like talking about his feelings either, but he never just pretended they weren't there. If someone asked Lauren how he felt he answered honestly. Lauren was willing to talk with someone, to admit when he was wrong, but Susan only ever argued. It was hard sometimes, not to just give Susan what he wanted, to ignore the problems and pretend that everything was fine, but they weren't. It would be so easy to ignore this, to sweep it under the rug, but Lauren can't, not now that they are living with so many others. Susan could push Lauren around all he wanted, but Lauren couldn't let Susan treat others like this, he just couldn't. He'd already messed up so much, he couldn't mess this up too.
"Little Brother, please, will you just talk to me?"
He shouts it while still by the door, knowing Susan can hear him, but expecting to be ignored all the same.
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Finally, after a while of just sitting there, he finally responds.
"Okay." He doesn't have anything to say, and he doesn't want to go back out there, but he'll listen.
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"I don't understand why you're so angry."
If you don't know what to say, just be honest. It's what Lauren usually ended up doing, and it was usually a mistake, but at least with Susan he'd always been able to be blunt like this.
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"I thought I was doing the right thing."
It's quiet, but Lauren can probably still hear him anyway (even when Susan's quiet, it's still not all that quiet).
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Everyone makes them, it doesn't have to mean anything more or less than that. As long as you learned from it a mistake didn't mean anything bad.
"I've made them too..."
Lots of them, more than he'd like to admit.
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"I love you."
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"I love you too..."
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"Susan. What's wrong?"
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There really isn't much wrong, that he knows about. He just feels bad because he messed up, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Almost every other time he's messed up that he can remember hasn't really been his fault, so it's not the same as this.
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"I'm not mad anymore. Everything's okay."
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"I'm not mad, either." But that doesn't really mean everything's okay. He isn't crying (he's not a baby, only babies cry), but Lauren can probably still hear the upset in his voice.
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"Susie, everything's okay. It's all alright."
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"I messed up."
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"It's really going to be okay."
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"I'm sorry..." He leans against his brother again as he's pulled into his lap, Fluff moving after a moment to climb into Susan's lap after.
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"I know."
He rubs Susan's back, doing what he can to calm him. He wishes he could do more, but Lauren knows sometimes when you feel bad you just need time to let yourself get over it.
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