lostcarnival | ⇨ HOME AGAIN

Entry tags:

⇨ HOME AGAIN

Who: Anyone!
When: Day 68 - Day 72
Where: Carnival grounds.
What: Everyone makes it back to the carnival after their adventure in hell. The Ringmaster makes a new lake to celebrate, apparently.
Warnings: A notable absence of torture.

TO HELL AND BACK↴

The rescuers and the liberated captives will emerge from the portal like bats out of hell. Much like their previous return, this arrival will be met with a flurry of medical activity as everyone gets their injuries seen to, particularly those that had been held prisoner within Morningstar's hell fortress. It will still be night when they arrive, and the rest of Day 68 will be clouded over completely, for the benefit of the new vampires as they get settled in. After the immediate panic is dealt with, the Ringmaster will disappear into the forest until the morning of Day 69. It will be raining off and on during her absence.

► RECOVERY: Unlike the last time, the Ringmaster will be supplying the carnival workers with some healing potions from her private hoard, given that most of the healers are already wounded or spent. Damage caused by iron poisoning will not be cured by healing magic or healing items though, unfortunately, and those who have spent a lot of time in contact with iron will take at least a week to fully recover. However, regular healing remedies like bandages and herbs may help speed things along if the patient is suited to them.

► A BRAND NEW LAKE: On the morning of Day 69, the Ringmaster will return the forest to announce that she's built a new lake into the carnival grounds, only a short trail's distance from the backyard. Unlike most of the forest, this area won't just lead you in circles when explored, meaning that it can actually be modified and developed as the workers see fit. The water is always clean and just the right temperature for swimming, though it gets a bit cooler the deeper you swim. At the far side of the lake, there is a warm, stone pathway leading up the side of the mountain, that will eventually take you to some bangin' hot springs. Brought to you mostly because the Ringmaster doesn't know how to say sorry with actual words. At least it gives you something to play with while you try to shake off the trauma.

► FRUITS OF VICTORY: On Day 70, all the workers who came to hell for the rescue mission will be given a gift from the Ringmaster. Each of them will receive a bright green, glowing seed, about the size of your thumbnail. She will tell you that, when planted, the seeds will swiftly grow into a small citrus tree, which will grow fruits with regenerative properties. More details about these plants will be written up in a separate post, but for now your characters can ogle them and decide if they are going to plant them or not.

► TAKE ME TO CHURCH: Staring on Day 71, the Ringmaster will be starting to work on removing the vampirism from those infected with it, which apparently involves a lot of... meditation? She will take the newbie vampires out into a shady area of the forest and encourage them to look inside themselves and attempt to separate themselves spiritually from their demonic beasts. How well you character masters her teachings over time will determine whether or not she is ultimately capable of stripping out your demon soul and returning you to life. Of course, not all demons are made equal, and some will be more difficult to separate than others...

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He's certainly doing a lot better; he's still a little pale and shaky, but he's definitely a lot more stable, and there's no sign of the bite mark on his neck.

On the other hand, the longer he looks Psi over, the more worried Ginko gets. His tail twitches back and forth and he slides his hands into his pockets, ears drooping. "...I'm glad you're back."

He notices the shift in posture. He thinks Ginko might be feeling uncomfortable, but he isn't sure why. Ginko called him over here, afterall. Perhaps he was regretting it now? Or more likely he was just being friendly. Part of him is therefore surprised when Ginko says he's glad to see him, but he figures Ginko is just being polite. He has a flicker of a memory, some dumb conversation held in a diner, but the specifics aren't totally clear. He just remembers thinking that Ginko cared about those sort of societal norms. He nods in understanding.

"We don't have to talk."

Now that Psi's come over closer, Ginko sits back down, wincing a little, and slides his hooves back into the water. He looks up at Psi, giving a small smile. "I guess we don't. But if you want to we can."

Which is to say, if Psi wants to talk about what happened, Ginko is open to listening. Or if he wants to talk about something else and not think about it. Either works.

The problem was Psi didn't have anything he wanted to talk about. He didn't even really know what he was doing out here, he just didn't want to be alone. He watches Ginko, slide his feet back into the water. He notices the wince, but isn't sure it's his place to mention it. He wants to help though, if he can.

"Do you need assistance?"

Without even a moment of hesitation, Ginko shakes his head. "Thanks, but I'm alright. Just a little shaky, still. ...What about you?"

He doesn't want Psi to feel like he has to help him out when he's clearly worse off. Best to minimize how much he's got to worry about, and it's not like Ginko is in much physical pain anymore, anyway.

Edited 2017-03-22 19:36 (UTC)

He frowns slightly at the response. He can clearly tell somethings wrong, but he didn't really have the energy to press the issue now. It was just... Annoying. He said, before laying back on the grass and staring at the sky.

"Fine." He's been saying that a lot lately. Not good, not bad, just fine. "Neck hurts."

That first part sounds... kind of fake. But pushing it directly doesn't strike Ginko as a good idea, so instead he just gives a slow nod.

"You've been to the medical tent about that, right?" He sure hopes he has, anyway.

He nods, staring at the sun and wondering if it was really someone's sun, or if it was simply some kind of magic.

"It's from iron. Can't heal it with magic."

Edited 2017-03-25 01:07 (UTC)

"Right... that's too bad." Maybe kind of an understatement, but those are pretty par for the course with Ginko, anyway. "Any idea of how long it'll take to heal on its own?"

Maybe he's focusing a little more than necessary on this detail. But that's a lot easier than thinking about... everything. At once. He can switch topics if Psi wants to.

He just shakes his head no. He doesn't know, and honestly he doesn't care too much about it. At the exact moment it isn't the physical injuries he received that are bothering him the most. It's the things that had been said and the things that he'd done that were the most bothersome. And then there was the horn that would never heal and the brand that would always remind him of his time there.

"Too long. Probably." And for a moment there's a sadness in his voice that makes it's way through the apathetic shield he's been projecting. He frowns before closing his eyes.

Ginko's ears twitch when he picks up on that, and he looks down at Psi again. "Right."

It takes him a few seconds to figure out how to start talking again. He's not unused to comforting people, or at least trying. But that's when it comes to... well, the kind of things that he encountered in his work. He's seen plenty of grief, and even despair, but with all that's happened--

He hardly knows what to say. If he should say anything at all.

"...I know there probably isn't a lot I can do to help with all this. But... I can listen. If you want to talk."

He really doesn't want to cry in front of anyone, but especially not in front of Ginko. He's supposed to be ignoring this feeling, not giving into it. It's hard though, when he needs to talk to someone Ginko always seems to be there and willing to listen. He knew it wasn't wrong to trust Ginko, but to do so seemed like a betrayal. He'd promised to help and protect the people who worked underneath him when he took this position. Not only had he failed in that promise, but now he felt an undeniable pull to lay his burdens on Ginko's shoulder. He'd felt that pull, that feeling of wanting to rely on someone and trust them implicitly around Ginko recently. It was a feeling he knew well, a pale red feeling he knew a human couldn't even return.

Even if it can't be returned, even if it's a betrayal, could he say no to such an offer now? He wants to, but he already knows he can't. He turns over, laying on his side in the grass. His fingers run through the thin leaves, the tactile feeling bringing him out of his own despairing thoughts. He never could say no when he felt like this. That was the real problem, the one they couldn't fix. He wanted to trust people, the way no troll ever should. He closes his eyes, letting out a Psi.

"Do you ever feel like... You aren't real?"

There's another pause before Ginko answers. That's... a difficult question, for multiple reasons. It's been a while since he's even thought about that, and it's not something he's in the habit of talking about.

"...Sometimes."

Less these days than he used to, anyway. Maybe he would have had an easier time thinking about it a few years ago.

It's hard to talk about it, even after he's decided to. It's all a big mess in his head. He doesn't know where to start, or with what.

"I used to think I was supposed to feel this way? ...Now I'm not as sure."

They'd mixed it all up. Their words had slipped inside his head, without his even noticing. It was like some kind of emotional vertigo. Whenever he tried to think about it, he only ended up feeling even more sick than before.

"What gave you that idea? ...If it's alright for me to ask that." He leans back a bit, bracing his hands on the ground behind him and staring down into the lake. "Just... hard to imagine that anyone's supposed to feel that way."

He laughs, its got a soft and derisive tone to it. Of course it was easy for Ginko to say something like that, he was a human after all. Ginko didn't know about troll society, and probably wouldn't be able to understand it even if the Psionic took the time to explain it to him. Did they even have anything like the hemospectrum on earth at all? Previous conversations with Ginko seemed to indicate there wasn't. He shakes his head.

"The other yellowbloods never seemed to have the same problems as me. We were all slaves, but they could turn off and do what they needed to get the job done. I could never quite do it."

That... is starting to make sense, then. As horrifying as the explanation is. Ginko pulls his knees up and rests his elbows on them, staring out at the lake thoughtfully."So... it would have been expected that you would feel like that. ...I guess I can see how you'd want to be able to do that, if that was the case."

It was freeing, in a way. Finding a point of focus - usually the light vein, back when he could find it - and losing himself in it... even if he knew that it probably wasn't the best idea.

"What are you having trouble with now, then? Feeling as if you don't exist, or not knowing if you should?"

Expected yes, there was a lot that seemed to be expected of him back then. He never was able to meet those expectations though, not even his own. He wished he could do as he was told without feeling so awful for the harm he caused. He was just protecting himself, that's what he tried to tell himself back then, but it never really made the guilt go away.

"I met someone... They told me it was normal to care. Natural." he laughs again, but once more there's no joy in it. "I was happy to hear it. It changed me... But now I wonder why I was so eager to believe. Did I really have faith in those words? Or was I simply eager to relieve my own pain?"

He feels even worse saying it aloud than he had when he'd simply been asking himself. The Signless had fought so hard for his beliefs. He had cared about everyone, he'd wanted to free them. The Psionic had believed in that dream too, an Alternia where everyone could be free. Had he really wanted it though? Or maybe he'd only cared for himself. Was that why he was so afraid of going back? His eyes feel hot with growing tears, and he hides his eyes behind his hand feeling ashamed.

Ginko doesn't look at the Psionic as he speaks, or afterward. He's quiet, too, the silence stretching out for a few moments.

"...I guess I haven't really known you for very long. But I do feel confident saying, from the time I have known you... I think you did have faith in what they said. There's nothing wrong with wanting to relieve your own pain, either, of course - but."

But.

"You do so much for the people here... those who work under you, and those who don't. You worry about them before yourself, even when you're hurt, when nobody could blame you for trying to protect yourself. Those aren't the actions of someone who's only thinking about himself."

He shakes his head, Ginko's words hurting him despite their comforting nature. He tried to do a lot for the people here, but in the end did he ever really succeed?

"I'm a former slave who works to enslave others." He'd chased down his fair share of Psionics on Alternia, bringing them to be enslaved just as he had been on orders he couldn't resist though he desperately wished he could. That isn't what he's talking about now. As Ginko can likely surmise, he's referring to the carnival and it's system of indentured servitude. The labor the ringmaster sought wasn't without it's rewards, but it wasn't always willingly entered either.

"Any kindness I show means nothing compared to that first wrong." he murmurs, voice shaking as tears fall down his cheeks behind his hand. He's filled with anger, at himself, regret at what he's done, and sadness at failing to do better. And still nothing would change. He wouldn't change, not his actions or his words, he would stay the same because the cost of rebelling was too high.

"If I had been like anybody else, if I could turn off these feelings, would I have followed him? If I hadn't felt like something was wrong with me, if he hadn't made me feel complete would I have fought for his vision?"

He knows the answer already, though he can't bare to say it to anyone but himself. If he had been like anybody else he would have ignored Signless as all the others did. The knowledge comes with it's own guilt and fear. Without Signless he wouldn't be here, but now that he was hear he lacked the courage and conviction in that dream to go back. He dared to abandon the man who'd given him everything.

"I don't want to go back. I'm... scared of what loosing might mean."

It's more than he's admitted to anyone before, and the words leaving him feeling vulnerable and exposed. He glances to Ginko then moving his hand, the yellow tinted tears staining his skin as they run down his cheeks.

Ginko has had his own doubts about what they’re doing, as he knows many others in the carnival have. He’s very aware that he can’t fully understand Psi’s concerns here, coming from different backgrounds as they do - but he can certainly see where he’s coming from, all the same. Of course, that’s not to say he can bring himself to agree with what he’s saying.

“It’s not meaningless. Kindness is kindness, and it would be a whole hell of a lot worse to bring people somewhere without it.” There’s no doubt in his voice; it’s not a meaningless platitude, thrown out without any belief behind it. He knows what he’s saying and he means it.

He has to mean it.

If everything Psi does, all the efforts he makes to help those at the carnival, don’t matter, then what does that say about the rest of them?

“There’s no point in wondering what would have happened if you were like ‘anybody else’, either. You aren’t anybody else. You’re you, and that’s why you went with him; it doesn’t matter what someone else would have done.”

Now he does pause, still staring out at the lake. Thinking, trying to figure out how best to phrase his thoughts. Psi isn’t the only one who’s hesitant to go back to his own world - but from the sound of it, he has a lot more to worry about than Ginko does.

What can a man with nothing to lose but his own life say to someone with so much more at stake?

“...I don’t think anyone could blame you for being afraid. In fact, that might just go to prove how much he and his cause really mean to you. But… it also may mean that it’s really best for you to wait before going back. Maybe one day you’ll feel ready, and maybe not. But you can get closer, think it over. That’s better than nothing.”

His directionless gaze softens as he listens to Ginko's words. They don't erase his doubts, but he finds their weight lessens. Even if he disagreed with Ginko he couldn't ignore the conviction with which he spoke. Even if he didn't believe their meaning Ginko did, and in this moment where everything had felt lost suddenly the Psionic sees a path clearing in front of him. It was tenuous, a decrepit rope-bridge strung across a gaping chasm. He hadn't the strength to cross it now, but it was there. At least one person believed he could be better.

Regrets, emptiness; these were passing wounds and pains. Every feeling was fleeting: happiness and joy, but sadness and anger also. When the day was over and these memories of vampires and their kin were far behind him would he feel as lost as he did right now? Could Ginko's words ring truer then?

Maybe his own kindness didn't make up for his tacit compliance, but neither did his regret. Perhaps he followed Signless for selfish reasons, but he did believe in the other troll's vision. At least, he believed a world like the one Signless saw was one worth fighting for. His fears quiet. He sees Ginko before him and hears the lapping of the lake's wave against its bank.

"...What would waiting accomplish?" he says after moments of contemplative silence. If there was a reason he could find to stay here besides cowardice...

Ginko gives a small shrug, tilting his head back and directing his gaze up toward the sky.

"Just having some time to think can help with more problems than you might expect. ...Besides, with things as they are now, I'm pretty sure the whole labor department would collapse if you weren't around to keep us in line."

He sighs, his shoulders slumping even though he's laying on the ground.

"I've been thinking about it." The entire time he's been here, it's a constant wait on his mind. Though he wants to take care of the people who work under him, he also knows their well-being is an awfully convenient excuse.

"Even if I stick around, what can I do now."

Ginko does look over at Psi now, frowning slightly. "...What do you mean by that?"

⇨ HOME AGAIN

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i have no idea if this is comprehensible?? enjoy

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