lostcarnival | dumb sad boys

Entry tags:

lauren,
susan

dumb sad boys

Who: Lauren and Susan
What: ~~dumb brothers being sad - continued from here~~ OKAY NOW IT'S ACTUALLY A CATCH-ALL LAUREN+SUSAN POST FOR PRE-ALOLA JUNK
When: ~~Day 68 at night~~ a variety, starting with night of day 68
Where: their trailer

Although he eventually came out of the bathroom that first night, Susan still didn't talk to Lauren. Instead he avoided his brother as best he could, falling asleep curled up with Fluff (and Stanley, if she let him) on the bed.

The next day he went out, even though Lauren had told him not to; he didn't know a lot about vampires, and even though he felt bad doing it (especially when he was still worried about Lauren), he was pretty sure they couldn't go out in the sun, so it was an easy way to not have to talk to him. He didn't want another argument, not any more - not that he knew what else to do, not when he was feeling pretty bad now, but that didn't matter. He just didn't want Lauren to yell at him and tell him he's wrong.

By that night, though, he still wasn't feeling any better - and even though he still didn't want to really talk to his brother, he still missed him and wanted to be with him.

Once it was late, and he was sure Lauren would be asleep, Susan quietly left the sofa where he'd been originally planning on sleeping, instead slipping into the room with his brother. From there he quietly made his way to the bed, climbing under the covers while being as careful as he could to not wake him.

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It takes Susan a while to finally decide to climb back down off the roof and in through the window again. He knows Lauren may know he left, but he didn't really go anywhere, so he doesn't really care too much. He just needed somewhere he could think and talk to people without Lauren overhearing.

He still didn't know how to solve this, or really know what the real problem was in the first place, all he knows is that Lauren keeps getting mad about it whenever he was the one trying to fix it. Maybe that meant that he should be the one to fix it instead? He wasn't sure, and at this point it's hard to feel like it could work, but he feels like it's his last hope.

He takes a bit to come out of the bathroom, and when he does he glances towards the front door to Lauren, steeling himself a moment before going back to sit at the table again. He doesn't say anything, yet, waiting to see if Lauren will yell or argue or anything first before he does.

He doesn't say anything. He's not even looking in Susan's direction.

At least he's still there, and not immediately starting an argument. That's good enough for now. He bites his lip as he thinks another moment before breaking the silence.

"Are you still mad at me?"

He doesn't know how to answer that. Part of him doesn't even want to answer, just to be spiteful. The other part of him is too sick of all this to be mean again. He knows he'll be ashamed of himself when all is said and done, but for know the frustration he'd felt was still too recent for him to admit it.

"... Probably not."

Susan actually laughs a little at that, but his heart's not really in it. He knows what Lauren means, though, he doesn't even know if he's angry any more either.

"Then... Can we try and talk, without yelling?"

Lauren rests his head on his knees. He still isn't looking at Susan, but after a moment he nods his assent.

Susan leans on the table in front of him, not quite looking at Lauren either, but at least he's not hiding.

"I don't know what I said to make you mad... But I'm sorry."

There's a creeping sense of guilt in his stomach. It's been there for a while now, but it's quickly growing as they begin to speak. Susan didn't even know why he was mad. He thought Susan was being smart on purpose, but... He sighs, hiding his face. He wishes he knew how to explain it. He wishes he could properly express what he's feeling, even if it was just this once. He almost says nothing, but he can't leave it at that.

"You don't... Understand."

He shakes his head with a little smile.

"No, I don't... I don't understand why you keep getting so mad, or anything."

He's mad again, but mostly at himself for being such a failure. This time he stays quiet.

That's okay, because as usual Susan has enough words for the both of them.

"I even tried asking for help, on the radios, but it didn't really help... I just don't know what to do, if every time we try and talk it turns into yelling. I don't like it."

His whole face turns red at the very thought, and he's glad Susan can't see it. That someone else could hear about the awful things he said. He'd done the same thing too. What would people think of them? He hates that at a time like this, that's what he's worried about, but he is. He's scared of others opinions, and scared of what might happen to Susan. He's always been scared, even back then. He hates it. Why is he such a miserable coward?

He's quiet after that, for a bit, before glancing to Lauren again.

"It's kinda hard to figure anything out if I just talk to myself."

His eyes feel wet, and he sniffs, holding back tears.

"Sorry..."

"It's okay... I just don't know what to do. Should I go? Someone said, maybe we need time apart..." He doesn't like the idea, but if he can't even talk to Lauren, maybe it's better to be apart.

He shakes his head no, though his face is still hidden. He lets out a shaky breath.

Susan falls quiet again after that, slumping forward onto the table. He doesn't know what to do to make things normal again, and that's what he was afraid of happening all along. He doesn't know how he messed even this up, but it must be his fault. It doesn't help with the empty feeling inside right now, but he can't help but think it's true.

He sniffs again, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. He doesn't know why, but he can't stop crying. He'd be more embarrassed if he wasn't so tired. It's as though all his feelings have been trapped in a funnel, and only the heaviest most draining can force their way through. He wanted to be honest before, but he hadn't been. Instead of saying he was hurt, he only got mad.

"I don't know... What to say." His voice is shaky, it's clear he's crying, though it isn't like he was hiding it before.

Lauren doesn't often cry, and it's enough to show Susan again the seriousness of what was going on. He still doesn't really understand, but if Lauren was upset enough to ask for advice on the radio and to cry...

Susan stay quiet, not sure what to even say himself, but afraid if he says that then Lauren won't even try. He's afraid somehow he'll mess it up, and he knows he's good at talking, but right now he's not sure what he's even good at, everything is messed up.

"I'm s-scared..." He stutters out, feeling like a fool and a child but unable to quite make himself care. He really feels lost, like the ground could fall out from under him at any moment. He presses his eyes closed, taking a breath to regain his composure. It's useless.

"What if you get hurt again? What if the Ringmaster does something worse? What if you attack someone stronger than you? What if you attack someone who can't even defend themselves?!" He says all of it in a rush, like he can't get them out fast enough.

"I'm no good on my own. I can't do anything!" He's not quite a shout, but it isn't his normal speaking voice either. "There's no point... Without you."

Susan just shakes his head. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what he can do to make this better, he just wants it all to go away. He wants to be mad again, because then he doesn't have to feel sad or empty, but he's so sick of being mad. He can't yell at Lauren again when he's finally trying to talk to him.

He finally shakes his head again, taking a second before starting to try and say something.

"Everything will be okay, in the end. So you don't have to be scared." Normally he'd believe it, too, but right now the words are hollow. Hopefully it's still enough to help his brother, though.

He shakes his head again. Again, he'd failed to explain

"You thinking like that is the scariest part of all."

"But... Everything will be okay. It has to be." He can't believe otherwise. For things to not be okay... He just doesn't know what he would do if things didn't work out. He has to believe everything will be right in the end.

"I just don't understand, why you're scared of things you can't change, that probably won't happen."

"They will happen if I don't watch out for them! Things don't work out just by luck. You have to think and plan."

Luck and accidents are how everything happens to Susan, so Lauren's insistence that they don't doesn't quite make sense to him. But he doesn't argue it, instead shaking his head as Lauren continues on.

"I'm no good at that. I don't know what'll happen, ever, things change all the time."

dumb sad boys

nighttime on day 75

Re: nighttime on day 75

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