but oh my heart is flawed // closed

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.


[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

Comments

[pipers_son]

For a split second, he almost considers saying that he doesn’t deserve someone that close. That if anyone deserves anything, it’s better than him, and Psi especially. Get him someone that would be kind and good and great in bed who could make him laugh. He deserves that, Joker thinks. He doesn’t deserve someone with the kind of blood he has on his hands, who’s done what he’s done.

But that’s a bit too much, and he stays his tongue on that. Just like before, with Beast- and he keeps thinking of Beast in comparison to Psi, a fact that makes him feel guilty- he shifts away from that. He just rubs at his face instead, like that can clear away the leftover blood and make him new again. “Probably not,” he admits. “Sorry he went and grabbed ya from whatever ya were doin’.”

[dorkypantsuit]

"Don't." He wants to say that helping a friend is more important than anything else he could have been doing, but he doesn't. Even if he did it felt like Joker the way he was now wouldn't believe it. The Psionic can tell him not to apologize at least. He doesn't tell Joker how panicked Tamaki seemed either. He didn't know for sure what happened between them, but he didn't want Joker to feel guilty about it, whatever 'it' was. No, what Psi really wanted was to make a difference this time, to pay back the friends who gave him the kind of joy he hadn't know for too many sweeps. He hasn't yet found a way to do it, but that didn't mean he was going to stop trying.

He reaches out to catch Joker's hand, mostly trying to make the other man look at him more than anything else.

"What do you need?" he says, the question somehow plaintive as it leaves him. "Let me help you."

He releases Joker's hand, letting him do what he wants with it, but there's a certain pleading to his eyes, and his posture is almost desperate, his muscles tense as though ready to fight.

"Please."

[pipers_son]

All he has is his single hand to rely on- from the streets to now. Even when he was given his prosthetic, with how much he did and how rudimentary it was, it broke all the time more often than not. And even then.... Prosthetics couldn't feel like flesh and blood could.

It's no longer that any more, but that doesn't mean the pressure of Psi's hand bypasses him, and he jolts slightly, eyes flicking up to him. What does he need?

...Psi doesn't want to know the answer to that question.

He has to look away, hand curling at his stomach, as he flounders to figure out what to say. The question hounds at him: what does he need? For his family to be safe. For him to do something right for once in his life when the rest of him is broken without hurting anyone else. For everyone he cares about to get the better life they deserve without being punished for wanting beyond their station...

"Things I can't have," he finally admits quietly, reaching up to grip one of his antlers again.

[dorkypantsuit]

He can't know Joker's situation. He doesn't have the personal details and he doesn't understand the context. Human culture seems varied across the multiverse, and it's hard enough for him to grasp the things they have the most in common. Human stations, the sort of class system Joker knows, it's beyond him.

He does know what it feels like to want something he can't have. It's a feeling he's known all his life. Even if he didn't though, the way Joker clutches his stomach before grasping his horn would make his heart swell with sympathy. It's too complicated, it's not something the Psionic can fix. That doesn't mean there's nothing he can do. His head drops, seeing Joker clutch at himself is too painful, to reminiscent of a troll grasping their own horns in an attempt to drown out other sensations. He takes a breath, steadying himself before he looks to Joker again.

"Come to my hive." his voice is gentle, but insistent. It's clear from his tone and expression that Joker's feelings are affecting him, but he doesn't let it hinder his speaking. "We can talk... I'll take care of you."

More than anything he wants to help, he knows it's not something he can fix directly, but maybe he can still do something. He hopes he can. He hopes Joker will let him.

[pipers_son]

That's the problem: he doesn't want to talk. All he wants to do is hide somewhere dark and suffocating, let it drown everything else until he can put on the so reliable mask he's kept on before, and act like this never happened. Like Snake doesn't (rightly) blame him for what happened, like he hasn't broken down.

He just wants to sweep it all under the rug.

But looking at Psi, tired and wanting to help.... It's hard to refuse the offer to at least go with him. So, exhausted himself, Joker just gives a limp nod.

Maybe by the time they get up there... he'll be able to fake it all again.

[dorkypantsuit]

He finds himself relaxing. He's relieved, even a bit hopeful, though his friend is in such clear pain. Maybe he could help, maybe things would get better. After so many things had gone wrong for all of them, maybe there was still a chance things could be okay. He nods back, standing before reaching out with his hand to help Joker up as well.

"Can you walk okay?" He doesn't know why Joker's on the ground, but he assumes it's because he's hurt.

[pipers_son]

"I'm fine." This is quite obviously a huge lie, but, well. On a physical level, it's true. Besides being dead. Still, he reaches up to accept the hand anyway and pushes up with his feet to get up. He can manage that much, at least.

Time Skip

[dorkypantsuit]

The physical aspect of the question was specifically what he was asking for. He's glad at least, that Joker can stand up. Now they just had to give walking a try. He holds his hand out, even after Joker's standing on his own, because he isn't sure what made the human collapse the first time or if it might happen again. He's pretty clearly worried and unsure, but there's another feeling there too. It's something close to confidence, or maybe even pride. That Joker's agreed to let him help, even though he's worried, that gives him some small amount of hope that things will get better. It's probably one of the bigger differences between them, Psi still believed things could get better. There's a future where he isn't so lucky, strung up and forced into an eternity of motionless servitude, but he's yet to have that last bit of joy stamped out of him, so for now he lets himself believe that change is possible.

It doesn't take them too long to get to the Psionic's trailer. Hopefully they both make it in one piece. Psi let's Joker get settled inside at the table while he debates on how to proceed.

"Do you want... A drink?"

[pipers_son]

There's no disaster, no collapse, not even a stumble. Joker walks perfectly fine. Well. He walks, at least, but there's no casual stroll or energetic quick footed pace. All he does is... walk, quiet and subdued.

It's a relief when they finally reach the trailer, and Joker glances away as Psi asks his question. Something to drink, huh? "Don't think ya have anythin' that would suit me," he says, not explaining further.

[dorkypantsuit]

Right. He closes his eyes, face coloring in embarrassment as he realizes what Joker must mean. Joker still hadn't been able to get rid of the vampire infection. He's never seen Joker like this before, mood so dour, and now he'd probably made it worse by forgetting how he'd been turned. He sighs, before turning back to sit down with his friend, at a loss for what to do. The whole walk here Joker had been silent. He can't believe leaving his friend in a heap in the woods was the right idea, and yet he isn't certain this was the right one.

"I guess... Some kind of distraction then?"

A distraction...

"I could get you off?"

[pipers_son]

That almost makes him want to smile again. Dry and brief, yeah, but a smile. Back to the same stand bys as usual, right? Fuck... Maybe that's what he needs. The only question is if he'll even be able to get it up but...

Well. No better time to find out, right?

So he let out a breath, nodding. An attempt is made to smile. "Yeah. Wouldn't mind that."

[dorkypantsuit]

At least he attempts to smile. Psi smiles too, glad to see his suggestion accepted.

"Alright then." And then he stands, grabbing Joker's hand to lead him over to the bed, mostly because it's the most comfortable place to sit. There's certainly not enough room for them to do anything with the bench seating near the kitchen table. On the bed there's plenty of room for whatever they might get up to, like for example, Psi leaning close to give Joker a kiss.

Cue makeouts.

[pipers_son]

Cue makeouts indeed.

And hey- at least Psi isn't alone with fumbling with stupid asshole fangs. A learning experience for everyone.