but oh my heart is flawed // closed

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.


[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

Comments

Tamaki and Psi

[pipers_son]

[As it turns out, that's not good enough.]

[He doesn't even know how it happens. Just- one minute, he's making his way through the trees, right side starting to ache distantly again, and it just- he crumples. Literally, feet tripping beneath him, body curling into itself, and Joker takes in a wet ragged breath as his eyes sting.]

[What could he have done better? The question haunts him, along with its myriad of answers. He should have had a better plan for getting past that vampire when she was making a toy out of him. He should have forcibly escorted Snake to safety in Celebration before someone could have taken him. He should have convinced him not to take a contract in the Carnival to start with.]

[But further back, even- all the things he should have done with Father, with the Circus, with listening to Beast and, God help him, but maybe none of them would be in this mess.]

[He should have, he should have, he should have.]

[Weaving unsteadily, hand pressed against his face as he chokes back a sob, Joker finds a tree nearby and collapses against it with his wings spread out limply. For all his fight, the tears still come, and he gasps and makes pathetic little noises in his effort to fight against them. He's too close to the other trailers now, could get seen or heard, but he can't even manage to care right now. There's just the tears, forcing their way out against his will, and oh he must make an ugly sight as he bows his head and nearly chokes on his own voice.]

[He should have just flown to the bleedin' ferris wheel if this is what was going to happen.]

[puddingemote]

[Tamaki just so happens to be on his way to his own trailer when he hears what sounds suspiciously like someone crying. Unable to just ignore something like that, he starts to weave through the trees, looking for the source of the noise.

But he wasn't expecting to find Joker, though maybe he shouldn't be surprised.]

Um... Manager...? [His tone is soft and worried. Joker is visibly upset, and while Tamaki doesn't really know how to handle this kind of situation, he has to at least say something.] What's wrong?

[pipers_son]

[Shit.]

[Joker sucks in a breath of air so fast that he’s not sure how he doesn’t choke from it. He wants so badly to just turn the tears off, make it like nothing’s happened, but they won’t stop although at least he’s stopped making any noise. Wheezing in a breath again and coughing a little, he tries to fake one of his usual smiles.]

[All things considered… It doesn’t come off as he’d like it to.]
Tamaki- ah, sorry! Just- allergies, I guess, ended up gettin’ inta a coughin’ fit. [It’s a blatant lie, but he’s hoping it doesn’t get questioned.] Just- could ya go up and get some medicine or somethin’ like that from Zecora?

[puddingemote]

[Tamaki hesitates, because he's normally willing to listen to Joker, but that doesn't sound right at all. This doesn't look like the work of allergies, or any other inconsequential illness Tamaki knows of. It just looks like, well, like Joker is crying, a lot.]

Um, are you sure, Manager? [He knows Joker probably won't like it, but he comes closer, so he can better see Joker's face in the gloom.] I can go get someone... uh, you're dating someone? [He thinks it might be the Psiionic because he called him cute that one time.] So I can go get him. [Yeah he's basically assuming that now.]

[pipers_son]

[Joker makes sure to keep his head down, doing his best to hide what he can of his face. Not because he’s ashamed- Well. Not entirely because he’s ashamed. But…. There’s a lot of downsides to being a vampire, and this is one of them: blood replacing what should be simple clear tears. Tamaki’s a kid, a good kid- he shouldn’t see a sight like that.]

[So busy trying to keep his face hidden, he doesn’t entirely catch what Tamaki is saying, or else he’d find it a lot more hilarious in some part of his mind. For now, he just shakes his head.]

It’s fine…

[Not his most convincing argument.]

[puddingemote]

Stop it! Don't say that!

[Tamaki can't help the sudden raise in his volume or the heat in his tone. He can tell Joker is not fine, that he's being lied to, and he's frustrated because he doesn't know what to do. Joker wants to keep insisting that nothing's wrong, so Tamaki doesn't know what exactly is wrong-

He punches a tree.

Maybe a little too hard, because the sturdy plant makes his hand smart immediately, the skin on his knuckles scraped. He doesn't regret it, though - taking his frustration out on the tree is better than taking it out on anyone else, Joker himself in particular.]

I'm going to go get him. [It's better than staying here and messing up, even though he doesn't want to leave Joker alone.] Okay? Stay here.

[dorkypantsuit]

The Psionic isn't totally sure what to expect after hearing Tamaki's panicked and mostly incomprehensible message. He knew something was wrong with Joker, and vaguely the direction he was heading towards, but other than that the true details of the situation escaped him. It was hard to believe Joker was in any real danger. Aside from that bit with the agents the carnival was relatively safe for the people who worked here. It's true they were connected to a new world at the moment, making travel between the realms possible, but for someone not contracted to get in before performance week was pretty strange to consider. Even stranger was the thought that something dangerous could be happening and only affecting Joker without any security members already being in the know.

When he sees the situation for himself, however, he understands why Tamaki seemed so panicked. Psi didn't know exactly why, but he knew Joker didn't like others to worry about him. He thought it was pride that kept Joker smiling at everyone no matter the circumstances, or perhaps a strong unwavering devotion to looking only at the positive side of things. Needless to say, even working at the carnival as long as he had been the Psionic hadn't ever seen Joker looking quite like this.

He moves forward hesitantly. He doesn't know what's wrong, but already his heart aches in sympathy for his friend. He knows Joker doesn't like being asked things questions about possible injuries and bad experiences. He knows Joker just last week had basically told him to fuck off for asking if he was hurt. Still, he can't just leave when Joker is acting like this. Carefully he reaches out to put a hand on Joker's shoulder, kneeling down to sit beside him.

"Hey... I heard something about allergies?"

[pipers_son]

In the time that Tamaki has been gone, Joker has sort of just... resigned himself to sitting where he was left. It's half possible that getting yelled at has actively stunned him into not being a complete pain in the ass for once, but also, well... He's just tired, too, weighed down by too damn much. Still, he's trying to keep most of his face hidden when Psi finally arrives, wooden fingers curled around forehead and wings still limply sprawled out.

At least the question makes him laugh a little. Sure, it's a mirthless gust of air that barely qualifies, but still.

"Looks like," he says dully, not even trying to put much effort into the lie. The cat's out of the bag, as they say. "Did ya know Tamaki thinks yer my boyfriend? Kids." He's a teenager, but whatever, Joker is getting near his thirties, he thinks he's allowed to say that.

[dorkypantsuit]

It's such an empty reaction. Even when he speaks, he'd normally sound so amused and instead the words are just blank, like there's no point in finding the humor in it. He didn't know Tamaki thought that, but smiles weakly when he hears it. Maybe if they weren't both so broken something like that might have been possible, in a different reality. Joker looks awful, his face stained red from his tears, his wings a mess, the Psionic wouldn't even be surprised if Joker mentioned he'd lost a few feathers from whatever stress had caused this.

Maybe Joker would want him to keep talking about something inane. He honestly debates it for a second. Should he let his friend return to some semblance of normality? He could pretend nothing was wrong, easily. Or, should he try to help, to really help with whatever Joker's problem could be? He never was very good at being the conciliatory partner in his relationships, but right now maybe that's what Joker needed. He honestly isn't sure which choice is best. Maybe he should leave it up to Joker to decide.

"...I'm guessing a boyfriend isn't what you need right now."

[pipers_son]

For a split second, he almost considers saying that he doesn’t deserve someone that close. That if anyone deserves anything, it’s better than him, and Psi especially. Get him someone that would be kind and good and great in bed who could make him laugh. He deserves that, Joker thinks. He doesn’t deserve someone with the kind of blood he has on his hands, who’s done what he’s done.

But that’s a bit too much, and he stays his tongue on that. Just like before, with Beast- and he keeps thinking of Beast in comparison to Psi, a fact that makes him feel guilty- he shifts away from that. He just rubs at his face instead, like that can clear away the leftover blood and make him new again. “Probably not,” he admits. “Sorry he went and grabbed ya from whatever ya were doin’.”

Childermass

[pipers_son]

[Frankly? Joker is tired, by this point. Crying, as it turns out, is an exhausting business, and it's worse so when people try to actually get you to talk about it. But going back to the trailer makes his feathers stand up on end. He doesn't want to go back so soon, and face all the evidence of his failure to not protect Snake, not to mention Doll's existence now.]

[But there is one thing that, while it won't make the situation any more bearable... It's truly a miserable man's best friend in times like these.]

[And anyway, he's already buggered for the night. It can't get worst.]

[So that's why Joker is going through the cupboards of the cookhouse, thankful that the kitchens are blessedly empty right now. With Hinawa also having to deal with their shared... little problem, it'd been a concern. But there's no one in, so he's free to look for what will help him out tonight.]

[Hopefully no one enters until he's found what he needs to.]

[atouts]

[ No one except that one annoying northerner with a habit of appearing out of nowhere. That is to say, Childermass. He's already in the habit of late night visits to the cookhouse when no one is around, picking up a midnight snack now and then. Of course, he leans more towards fruit or day-old rolls than he does wine or worse.

Catching Joker there...

Well, it's not that shocking. He wouldn't be surprised if Joker had the same habit of sneaking food at odd hours, even before the whole vampire ordeal. ]

Need help finding something?

[ Anyway, back to the entire 'appearing out of nowhere' thing.

He wasn't there a second ago, now he is, casually leaning against a counter as if this were the most normal thing in the world. Of course, there's always the chance vampire hearing or a vampiric sense of smell gave him away even before he dropped his little spell. He can hide from sight easily enough, but he can't stop the sound of his beating heart or the smell of his blood. ]

[pipers_son]

[It’s sure a good thing he’s technically dead already because hOLY SHIT CHILDERMASS HE COULD HAVE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK]

[Joker jerks up and back, antlers banging on a bit of wood but otherwise not really banged up.]

Bloody- well look who it is!

[Ignore that his eyes are a little red. Vampire tears are bullshit.]

Just a bit of blood wine… At least, I’m pretty sure Koel’s got some in here somewhere.

[atouts]

[ Childermass does ignore that, actually. If Joker's been crying, who's he to bring attention to it? He's also not looking one bit apologetic for scaring the poor man, but that's to be expected. ]

Blood wine? I wasn't aware that was a thing. [ He's not even sure he wants to know what's in it, only— ] Not as in fermented blood, surely.

[ But it probably is. That's probably exactly what it is and he just had to say it, for curiosity's sake. He will nod towards one particular part of the kitchen counters, however, raising a hand to gesture that direction as well. ]

I've found most bottles kept in the cupboards under there. I can't say I've ever looked for blood wine there, though.

[pipers_son]

I have it on good authority that it most certainly is a thing, ha ha!

[That is a blatant lie, actually, but… If Koel has made blood based foods for the small vampire population the carnival has suddenly found itself in possession of, Joker is pretty sure blood-based booze is also a thing. Or maybe was always a thing. Who knows how that kind of wine ages?]

[Anyway, he makes his way for the cupboards, aggressively pretending that everything is just fine as he renews his search in a new area.]

So, come in for a sip yerself, Childermass?

Ginko

[pipers_son]

[Okay, so maybe that much blood wine was a mistake. But, ha ha, that's his life!! Just one mistake after another!!!]

[It's just that usually his questionable life choices and horrendous mistakes don't usually involve him stuck in a tree. How did he get into a tree again? He was just trying to fly back to his trailer and...]

[Oh, yeah. That explains it. He was trying to fly.]

[Cradling his head in his hand, Joker groans a little, and squints down with swimming vision at the ground. Where is he again? This place seems faintly familiar... And is that a head of white hair or a rock?]

[He is so bleedin' drunk right now.]

[dontpokethat]

[Y'know, back home, Ginko would probably have been a lot more alarmed to hear what sounded like someone crashing into a tree. Of course, that's not to say it isn't still a surprise.

He peers up into the branches with a frown that only deepens when he recognizes who's up there.]

...Joker? You alright?

[pipers_son]

I haven’t bleen alright for over ten years, mate.

[...Why did he use an ‘l’ sound in there…. Fuck it. He gives a weak wave.]

Eeeeey, Ginko.

[dontpokethat]

[...Ah. So... he's completely smashed, that's clear enough. Which goes to bring up the question of why.

Ginko has never known Joker to let himself get too drunk, even at parties and the like - and what he just said only goes to concern Ginko further. Like, that's the kind of thing that he for one avoids saying specifically because it freaks people out. So that's probably not good.]

...Hey. Stay there, alright?

[He considers the tree for a moment before stepping forward and grabbing a low-hanging branch, hauling himself up after a bit of searching for a hoof-hold. He doesn't really trust Joker to try to get down on his own right now, okay.]

[pipers_son]

[HE IS SUPER SMASHED, GINKO. And might have been crying, considering the red in his eyes. Is that intoxication, blood, or bloody tears? IT’S mystery. (It’s all three.)

[Still, he does obediently stay stuck in the branches, giving a hiccuping laugh.]

Cor- Ginko. Ginko lookit ya. Yer….. Yer you. Flyin’ is hard, Ginko. S’a rubbish deal.

Hinawa

[pipers_son]

[The fact that vampires can still get hangovers is bullshit, and Joker will gladly put that in print.]

[But a hangover is what he has, no denying it, so Joker slips out of his trailer- he must have made it somehow in the middle of last night, huh- and heads straight to the cookhouse. Despite the fact that the sky is dark again, hopefully someone is working there, because he's fairly sure that solving this problem will be the same as any other vampire injury: drink blood for it. Or eat blood pudding. Either way, that will require Koel there...]

[It doesn't really occur to him, as he makes his way through the doors, that there's another vampiric cook who might know some stuff about that too.]

one million years later

[sunflowerfields]

[When you're a farmer, you're always up before the dawn. And as it turns out, line cooks also need to be up before the sun rises in order to get everything ready to go for the day. The cookhouse already smells of coffee and baked bread, which, depending on how bad Joker's hangover is, may not be a good thing.

Hinawa is sweeping the floor when he arrives, and she gives him a warm smile.]

Oh! Good morning! You're up early today.

[pipers_son]

[Even as he tries to smile, it’s warped a little by the grimace because, ow, no calling, please. The smell of bread and coffee no longer does anything for him, not anymore, but it’s a familiar warm scent that he lets settle him best it can.]

‘Lo there. Had a bit of a, ha… drinkin’ problem. Just wanted ta fill myself enough ta make the headache go away.

[Fake it. Yeah, he can do that. With the alcohol out of his system, it’s coming back to him.]

[sunflowerfields]

[She has to resist the urge to tsk, and to lecture him on being so irresponsible. She can't help but feel like someone like Joker's already heard it, a million times before. So instead, she raises an eyebrow knowingly.]

Ah, I see. Why don't you have a seat, and I'll go get you some coffee to get started?

[pipers_son]

[Don't judge him too harshly, Hinawa... He's already regretting it. As he settles down on a nearby chair, however, he looks a bit sheepish.]

Think there's a way ta add a little somethin' extra ta that coffee? Because, ha... [He quirks one lip up enough so he can tap a fang. Yeah, he's still having some trouble there.]