but oh my heart is flawed // closed

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.


[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

Comments

[steadydollypegs]

...Okay. [Doll looks up at Joker sleeping, then wraps her arms around her knees.]

F'r what it's worth, he never did this before-- [Before she arrived here.] --before he got here. I've never seen him... drunk. B'fore.

D'you know what happened? [She looks up at him with big, entreating eyes. All she wants to know is how to fix whatever's happening to Joker-- then find out where Snake went. If only so that they can both tell her they're not falling apart because of her arrival.]

[dontpokethat]

Guess that's not too surprising... I hadn't, either.

[His tail curls sheepishly by his side at that look. He really wants to be able to give some kind of an explanation here, give her an idea of what could have caused this - but he doesn't know himself.] I've got no idea. Things have been kind of rough lately, but I wouldn't have expected this...

[It occurs to him that, when it comes down to it, he doesn't know much about Joker at all. He knows how much he cares about his performers, he knows him from chatting in the menagerie and wandering around new worlds. But that leaves a lot unspoken.

...Well. Fair's fair, he guesses, given how little he's said about himself. Everyone has more to them than they let on, in his experience. But after this, he can't help but be worried.] He seemed really upset, but that's about all I know.

[steadydollypegs]

[Well that's disappointing, but Doll can't fault him for not knowing what Joker didn't tell him. She shrinks back down into herself, nose resting on her knees.]

I made things harder. He didn't want me to join the carnival and I... I told him I was gonna if he said yes or no. I jus' didn' want him t'be all alone but--

[She looks up at the man again.] I made it worse, didn' I?

[dontpokethat]

[...Well, shit. Ginko's ears tilt back a bit, though his expression doesn't change beyond the briefest flicker of concern. He guesses it isn't too surprising that Joker wouldn't want people he cared about joining the carnival, given the whole vampire incident and everything.

But he also really doubts he would want Doll to feel like this is her fault.]

I don't think so. Joker's definitely worried about you, but... that mainly seemed to have him concerned with getting back here as soon as possible. It might well have been worse if you weren't here.

And... I hate to say it, but even if he did feel like he was under more pressure from you getting here, this might have been inevitable anyway. [He shifts a little where he's sitting, twisting the fur on his tail idly in his fingers as he speaks.] I wouldn't have thought as much this morning, of course, but... from the sound of it, there's a lot more going on with him than he's been letting on. I... think he may benefit from having someone around who really knows him well.

[steadydollypegs]

Like what? [Doll shuffles closer to Ginko, looking up at him expectantly. If Joker won't tell her what's going on with him, then she has to get it from somewhere. Otherwise how is she supposed to help?]

Please... I owe him ev'rythin'. I jus' want to take a little of what he's carryin', even if he doesn' know it.

[dontpokethat]

[Normally, Ginko isn't too inclined to go spreading other people's business around, but... from the sound of it, this kind of is Doll's business. Hiding it from her wouldn't help anything.]

I can't claim to know all of it, but... [He hesitates, thinking for a moment.] ...Has he told you about the vampires?

[steadydollypegs]

Vampires? [Doll blinks up at him, looking slightly alarmed. Her first instinct is to say that those things don't exist but... then she thinks about what she saw of Black at the end. Maybe vampires do exist.]

...No, he didn' say nothin' about that...

[dontpokethat]

[Of course he didn't. Ginko doesn't say that aloud, but it's probably implied in the way he suddenly looks EXTRA TIRED for a second there.]

The carnival... goes to a lot of different worlds, of course. Some more dangerous than others. We got caught up in a conflict with some vampires a while back; we thought we were done with them, but... well, some turned out to be visiting one of the worlds we stopped in recently.

They... found an opportunity to attack. A lot of people got hurt, and some were even turned. They particularly targeted the supervisors.

[He doesn't want to put this too bluntly, not wanting to alarm her, but... there isn't really a way to make this not alarming.]

[steadydollypegs]

[To Doll's credit, she doesn't make any distressed noise that might wake Joker up. She sits there, the color drained from her face, and stares wide-eyed at Ginko. She knows the implication that Ginko is making, and she realizes that sometime between when she went to make her deal with the Ringmaster and when she left the tent, Joker had been attacked. Maybe 'turned'...?]

[She wipes her eyes, wondering if it would have been different if she'd been there.]

They... they targeted him. [Doll's voice is choppy, but quiet.] And he hasn' told me anythin'.

[dontpokethat]

He probably didn't want you to worry.

[Which isn't to say that Ginko is actually defending Joker hiding this from Doll. He only means to explain it.]

[steadydollypegs]

[She nods vaguely, her eyes hardening at the floor.]

They do that a lot. Him 'n Snake, 'n the resta our family. Precious Doll. [Had to be protected and cared for, just because she was the youngest. It isn't fair, she doesn't want to be the baby forever.]

[dontpokethat]

Have you talked to them about it?

[steadydollypegs]

Nah. [Doll shakes her head, and she knows that she should talk to them about it and that Ginko has a good point.]

I shouldn' hafta poke 'n prod like a governess makin' sure they button their boots and use soap. They should know I care!

[dontpokethat]

I'm sure they do know - but they might not realize how much being left out of the loop bothers you.

[He's seen it time and time again; someone wants to protect another person, and ends up underestimating how much that person can handle in the process.]

It may be frustrating to have to do it at all, but talking to them will probably be more productive than just waiting for them to figure it out on their own.