but all this time i've been chasing down a lie

[dontpokethat]

Who: Ginko and a whole bunch of people (Sans, Joker, Snake, Zecora, Tanyuu…)
What: In the aftermath of Foster’s shitty mushi plot, Ginko isn’t doing great.
When: From Day 90 onward
Where: Medical tent, trailer 13, and menagerie
Warnings: Possible talk of Foster’s shitty reasoning, also Ginko is a pile of depression and self-hatred in a trenchcoat.

Zecora - Medical Tent - Day 90 afternoon

Ginko was unconscious when Tanyuu first brought him in, bruised and scraped from the fight with Foster on top of his already being exhausted. After a certain point, though, he’s just… asleep, and remains that way through the night and well into the next day. The past few days - between the mushi leeching off his blood supply and the lack of sleep from trying to handle the infestations around the carnival and stressing himself out over them - have taken their toll.

Normally, he’d be pushing himself up the moment he woke up, always moving before his brain is even fully awake. But, today, he just lies there for a few seconds, staring up at the ceiling, before lifting a hand to press his palm over his face.

“...Shit.”

Tanyuu - Trailer 13

Once it’s been confirmed that he’s good to go (and he’s promised not to strain himself too much), Ginko and Tanyuu head back to their trailer. Of course, agreeing not to tire himself out more doesn’t mean Ginko isn’t going to want Tanyuu to catch him up on what happened while was out - what happened to Foster, what was being done about the repellent.

The whole time they’re talking, he keeps fidgeting, whether with his sleeves or his hair or just in the form of his tail twisting and lashing around his ankles. “So… things are being worked out, right? Just… that’s all I need to know.”

Snake - morning of Day 92 - Menagerie

By all rights, this should be the best off Ginko has been in the past several days. In a lot of ways, it is; with the mushi situation finally under control, things are more or less looking up - and, since the mushi that had been leeching off his blood are finally being removed, little by little, he should be feeling a lot better.

Should be. He is feeling better of course, but he’s still more tired than he’d normally expect, and getting himself to go back to work when the time comes proves something of a challenge. But it’s not like he’s never had this problem before, and he does get to the menagerie, albeit a little later than usual.

His ears flick forward when he sees Snake already there, and he gives a small wave as he heads over to watch him feed his snakes. “‘Morning. How are they doing?”

Joker - Menagerie

For all intents and purposes, Ginko seems to be settling back into his work as if everything is normal - though he may seem a little more singlemindedly focused on it when he’s working, and a little less focused on anything when he isn’t. Of course, he’s still having trouble bringing himself to seek out conversation outside of what’s necessary, but… that’s probably fine. Even now, part of him wonders if it might be for the best.

Even when cleaning out the enclosures, he doesn’t pause for long between stalls. Clear out the muck, wash what needs to be washed, change out bedding and food as necessary - it’s a simple, easy pattern to keep up. Like walking, putting one foot in front of the other; he doesn’t need to think for it.

Sometimes, not thinking can be a nice change of pace.

Sans - Barn

Breaks… might pose a problem. Theoretically he could just keep working through them, but the opportunity to pause for a while is more tempting than usual… even if as soon as he’s not working he starts wishing he were. He’s used to spending his breaks chatting, wandering around the carnival to visit with coworkers, but… no way. Not right now.

Which leaves one obvious solution. Going back to his trailer would take too long and probably get some questions from Tanyuu if she catches him. So, instead, he just… flops down on a pile of hay in the corner of the barn. He’s slept in worse places.

Comments

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"How you feel
Matters a great deal.
In the end
I am your friend
And I care.
And you're beginning to scare," Zecora said, quite frankly. Now that he was at least a little unwound, she could be that much more honest -- she was genuinely worried about him, and if her rhymes didn't make that clear, her expression, even equine, could leave no doubt.

[dontpokethat]

"...What if I don't know how I feel?"

It feels strange, saying it so simply. But he owes that much to Zecora. He wishes he could honestly tell her that he was alright, or even what was wrong, but... he's not sure either way. He's not even sure if he's feeling anything.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Then talk to me," Zecora said, simply,
"And we will see
If we can find
What's in your mind."

Being the Doctor didn't mean she cared only about the crew's physical health, after all. But this sort of ailment was trickier to treat, and here they needed to talk first, brew second.

[dontpokethat]

"...Right. I guess."

But he's... still not sure where to start, honestly. "I... how is this even supposed to work?"

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"So when this all began to start,
What was the first thing in your heart?"

Not specifying what "this all" was also was a little trick of hers, the better to see what HE thought was the origination of his mental troubles. Though as she asked this, Zecora stepped away just far enough to nudge a chair into position with her nose, then climb up on it.

[dontpokethat]

Perhaps predictably, Ginko's thoughts immediately went to the disappearance of his supply of mushi tobacco. "Uh... I mean, I was worried, I guess. And confused. I didn't... see why someone would bother taking all those plants."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"That is from up here," Zecora said, tapping her head with one hoof (very carefully, because they were sharp.) Then she lowered it down to her chest.
"But this is where I must peer."

[dontpokethat]

"...Right." Of course that would be how this worked. "I... I don't know, I was just... nervous. And frustrated, after a while. I knew people would get hurt if this wasn't fixed, and... well, they did. I didn't want people getting sick because of... because of what happened."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"If you're being honest and true," Zecora said, watching him carefully as she spoke,
"Was it 'because of that' or 'because of you'?"

[dontpokethat]

"...Because of me, I guess. Or my condition, anyway. And I know it's not totally because of me, but I..."

He goes quiet again, brow furrowing as he stares upward.

"...Either way. I didn't want them getting sick."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"You take on yourself such blame," Zecora said, with a gentle sigh,
"And think mushi are your only fame.
You blame yourself for circumstances
And rarely give yourself chances."

[dontpokethat]

"What kind of chances? Because it seems a lot like every time someone else gives me one, I just mess it up."

Ginko realizes as soon as those words leave his mouth that they came out a little more blunt than he had intended. He shifts uncomfortably, and turns his head a little to look away from Zecora.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Maybe a little more blunt, but that just made them closer to the truth she was searching for. Zecora let him turn away, because he couldn't hide from her words quite so easily.

"I have yet to see
You mess up here. Or with me.
Ginko, you infect
Your perceptions with what you expect."

[dontpokethat]

He snorts quietly, his shoulders hunching. "Believe me, I've messed up plenty. Maybe you've just been lucky enough not to get caught up in it yet."

Yet. He can't imagine things will stay that way for much longer.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"You want to believe
You'll have reason to grieve
So badly you displace
The evidence in your face," Zecora said, gently but without mercy.
Do you truly think
This latest stink
Will come with a cost
Of all your friendships lost?"

[dontpokethat]

"I don't want to." The barest hint of frustration edged into his voice, and slipped away just as quickly. His tail swept over his legs, then back again.

"...Believe me, I'd love to be able to think that things can just... stay how they have been. But even if it's got nothing to do with the mushi-- things have already started changing."

The fight with Psi, and its underlying cause. Joker's breakdown, and his silence since then. That entire, stupid argument with Sans-- why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut?

You're here clinging to false dreams, playing at the fantasy of a "normal life".

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Zecora nodded. She understood perfectly well, having seen how people here could grow, and not always in the most positive ways.

"Things change, are new.
This is always true.
But if things do not halt
That is not your fault."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko finally rolls onto his back again, staring at the ceiling of the tent. He still doesn't look at Zecora, but he's not actually turned away now.

"I know that. I...I just don't see why they have to change like this."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Unhappy changes, pain and strife
Are just unpleasant parts of life," Zecora said softly, her own memories briefly cast back to unpleasant moments of her own. Imprisonment in hell, the vampire attack... more in previous times, that she'd never really spoken of to anyone.
"Does it help you face the day
To keep others away?"

[dontpokethat]

"...Sometimes it feels like it does."

It's better than upsetting people - knowing he did something wrong but not being sure why, or feeling like he's just waiting for it to happen.

He goes quiet, then sits up again, pressing his palm over his left eye out of habit. "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was complaining or anything. I don't... I know things are bound to go wrong. I've just got to wait it out."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"It feels easier to be alone," Zecora said quietly,
"To know your problems are your own.
But that is a trick
And you'll be sick
From being haunted
By what you really wanted."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko winced, shoulders hunching again. "I don't even know what what I want half the time. What am I supposed to do, then?"

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Zecora regarded him for a moment, then shifted slightly. Just enough to bring herself a little closer to his field of vision, to emphasize her presence.

"You say that, but you see:
You've just been telling me."

At the very least, for all that he feared mistakes and was convinced he was screwing everything up, here she was still.

[dontpokethat]

"...I have?"

He just... looked over at her, frowning. What does that mean, he doesn't get it.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Zecora stepped away from him, clambering off the chair to pace over to the rack where her cloak hung near the flap-door of the large tent. Dipping a hoof into an inner pocket, she pulled out a pinch of green dust.

Turning back to him, she blew on it, causing it to puff out into a cloud of smoke and haze. Within it, a monochrome image of Ginko himself appeared, and the echo of his words drifted through the air.

What kind of chances? Because it seems a lot like every time someone else gives me one, I just mess it up.

"That isn't true
But if you
Find that too scary
And go solitary
You'll never succeed
At what you need:
Beliving, my friend,
You have not messed up again."