lostcarnival | [closed]

Entry tags:

ginko,
joker

[closed]

Who: Joker and Ginko
What: Dealing with the Rose Queen has brought to the surface some memories that would rather be forgotten.
When: Shortly before the camping stop
Where: The Menagerie
Warnings: The discussion and effects of parental-child abuse, eventually

If anything, he feels like sleep should be coming to him easier now that they've gotten Steven back.

Not only Steven, either, but everyone else who was taken from them- they got them back, too. Some of them, admittedly, not... entirely whole... but they were gotten back regardless. Better to go through some rough patches and come back then none and stay with creatures like that, right?

So he should be able to rest well, instead of the frantic anxiousness which had overtaken him when they'd all been planning and waiting, leaving him with short naps instead of proper sleep.

But he can't. In a way he can't explain, there's a switch of anxiety in him, a different sort of tension. It's as if he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if he's waiting for something to come crashing down on him.

And it is only him, when he takes a second to examine his feelings. For a while, he assume it's because of, well.... Everything else. The fae courts on them no doubt even harder, the things they all had to do, whatever flaming trainwreck is happening within the Nightrider.... That'd be enough to stress any of them out. He's pretty sure everyone is, on some level. But no. No, when he thinks of his anxiety, it's not for all of them, but him in particular. It's left him feeling as if he's a hair away from lashing out at someone, or breaking down into tears.

And he still has to talk to Doll, something which he's been avoiding because of all this. Fantastic.

At some time before, Joker knows what he would have done, which would have been force all of it down after trying to avoid his own family for ages, at least here in the carnival, before forcing himself through an unfortunate conversation. Now, however, well.... He knows there's an offer on the metaphorical table. It's just that picking it up, metaphorically, isn't doing anything for his stress.

Still. It's taken a couple of days, but here he is, trying to avoid Feathers' desire to still go up to his shoulder. The result is him, walking backwards in the menagerie, while he tries to reason with the human-sized owl.

"No. Noooo. Feathers- stop, don't ya flap yer wings like that at me. How have ya not realized that yer at least two feet taller now, ya dim tit?"

Feathers coos.

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The corner of Ginko's mouth quirks in a wry, sympathetic smile, and he gives Joker's shoulder a little squeeze.

"That... would be nice, yeah. But trying to ignore what you're feeling won't help it to go away. It's best to just... accept it for what it is, and give it time. ...And talk to those around you."

Uh oh. Ginko might not have intended it to come off this way (although he just as equally might have), but all Joker can think about is a certain conversation he had when he was about to leave. A grimace passes across his face, and he shifts his head so that his face is a little more in Feathers' coat.

"S'about Doll?" he asks, muffled.

He... meant it a little bit. It wasn't really his primary point, but he can't say that the thought of Joker's situation with his sister didn't come to mind at all.

"You can't put this off forever," he replies, somewhat apologetically. "I won't push you, particularly not right now. But you should try soon, alright?"

"I don't even know where ta start." Sighing, Joker adjusts his head so that it's just his chin resting atop Feathers' own head. For all his theatrics and obliviousness and fussiness, he's really a good patient bird. Then again, it helps that Joker is taking care to be careful in how he moves so as to not disturb any actual feathers. It's the little things.

"S'not like I want ta go out doin' dangerous things. But this is one thing I could do, as the Stage Manager, I figured.... It was all just actin'." And threat of death. It's fine. "Not ta mention, as a supervisor, I'm always gonna get targeted anyway." He grimaces. "Like... Celebration."

And being a vampire.

Coincidentally, also around the time Doll arrived.

Ginko raises his eyebrows, because they both know it wasn't 'just' a matter of acting. But, on the other hand, he can't actually argue that Joker shouldn't have gone at all - and the fact does remain that his position as a supervisor puts him in danger on its own.

Of course, that's not the entire issue. Especially not this time.

"The fact that you go into danger so easily isn't the only problem. Of course Doll and I would both appreciate it if you could... stay safe, or at least try to. But, failing that - you shouldn't brush Doll off when she worries about you. We know you're under a lot of pressure, but... that kind of thing is only going to make things harder on her, and on you in turn."

"Easier said than done..." Underneath him, Feathers gives a deep coo, and the force of it going through his feathery body seems to make Joker rise up a little bit too. "What can I say ta her worryin' about me...? This is why I didn't want her ta stick around here with a contract..." Reaching up, he rubs at the base of his antlers.

"I can't say I'll be alright, 'cuz we all know I probably won't." That's the carnival life for you. At least, recently it is. "Anythin' I say seems like it'll just be brushin' her off..."

"We do. But she at least wants to know that you'll try. The way you reacted back there, you didn't give her anything; to her, it just felt like you were scolding her for being worried at all."

He lets out a quiet breath, pressing his lips together as he thinks for a moment. "...Do you remember the story I told you to pass the time, back in the hot tub?"

"Felt like if I tried ta reassure her, it would't work either..." Joker flicks his thumb against wood and opal. If he can't do that, he has no idea what else to say. It feels like things have really gone south, and he doesn't know how to turn the boat back around to north.

Ginko's question diverts his mind from that particular path of thought, and he blinks over at him. "...I remember cryin' and thinkin' ya had really good shoulders, but that's about it." That alcohol was a menace to society, honestly.

"...Why would you... never mind."

Now isn't the time to ponder Joker's (still entirely baffling) attraction to him. Instead, Ginko takes a breath before he starts talking. They don't have time to go into the full version of the story again, but...

"I told you about... a pair of siblings I stayed with for a while, back in Japan. The younger brother had found an area in the mountains where mushi became active every winter, and had been going there to gather greens to refresh their food stores. But, because of the mushi, he would then fall into a deep sleep for the rest of winter, and not wake up until spring.

"His older sister appreciated that he was helping them get by - but she was worried about him. And the fact that he wouldn't tell her where he was going, or what was happening, and just brushed off her questions, didn't help. Even if she couldn't stop him from doing it, just understanding what was happening, and being able to help however she could, would have been better."

He looks pointedly at Joker, raising his eyebrows slightly. "I understand why you're hesitating. But, when it comes down to it, you can't keep doing this - and I don't want to have to re-use the lecture I gave to an eight-year-old on--"

Shit. What does he call him. His boyfriend? Partner? "...On you."

He'll gladly tell Ginko all about his good features... but maybe at a later date. For now, he stays quiet, listening to the story that sounds so faintly familiar to his ears. When Ginko finishes, he gives a quiet huff that could maybe be a laugh in better circumstances.

"Ya would be the first ta do so." But that's not the point. He finally stops fiddling with his antlers, although it hardly makes him feel better. "What if... even if I do tell her what I'm doin', it doesn't do anythin' for her?"

"...In some cases, that might be unavoidable." Because some of what you do is stupid, Joker. "But I think you'll have a better chance of smoothing things over if you keep her informed than if you don't. And, if it starts to get too far out of hand, even after that, I can talk to her."

That would be a hell of a conversation, but... he's hoping it doesn't come to that.

Well.... That's something, he guesses. It's not as bad, if he has someone behind him. A new feeling, honestly. Joker mulls over it, letting Feathers cuddle up into his neck best the large bird can.

"...What if tellin' her that sorta truth leads ta older ones?" he asks after a moment, not making eye contact. "About... old things. Things she can't change but'll still feel horrible about?"

"Then... maybe she needs to know those things."

It kind of hurts, just saying it. He doesn't want Doll to be hurt any more than Joker does - but it's not fair to her to keep hiding everything. "I know it sounds counter-intuitive. But... she already does feel horrible, with the way things are. Maybe admitting to everything, even things that may upset her, would be better than hiding it all."

He lets out a breath, and finds himself having to look away for a moment. "I know you want to carry all of this - the present and the past, all of it - on your own. And of course it'll take some adjustment for Doll to carry it with you. But you've got to realize how much she'll prefer that to being left in the dark."

Would it really be better? Joker stares off at some piece of air, not really seeing what's in front of him. Would airing out all that bloody, dirty laundry really make her happier? Would it make things alright between them? Ginko's right. It does sound counter-intuitive. But maybe...

After a long moment of miserable thought, he stirs, and continues to not look back at Ginko. "When we were lil' uns... Nobody wanted us. Not even our own families. We were miserable nearly our whole childhoods, because we didn't have neither roof or food. We woulda starved ta death, eventually. Got sick, maybe, and died that way." He takes a shaky breath, feeling hollow and fragile. "When we were taken in... Even when things started gettin' dark, and he started askin' me ta do.. the worst bleedin' things... I just wanted ta make sure they could be happy. Healthy. That meant not sayin' anythin', at least what they didn't already know because we all had ta go along with it." Another breath, and his eyes are starting to ache.

Against his better wishes, his own thoughts, Joker looks back to Ginko again with his face crumple up. "Jus' wanted 'em ta be happy," he says, voice cracking. Feathers coos quietly.

God, it hurts just seeing Joker like this, and once again there's that ache in his chest, the pressing need to do whatever it takes to make him feel better. But, now, he can't even be sure what that is. He can't be sure there's anything at all.

He can try to help, sure. He can try to sort things out between Joker and Doll. But he hates that it might make things worse in the moment. He doesn't want to see that on Joker's face, but he doesn't know that it's avoidable.

On impulse he moves a hand to Joker's face, resting his fingers gently against his jaw. "I know you want Doll to be happy. And she does, too. But that won't work as long as she feels like you're trying to shut her out."

"I know." He shudders, stomach twisted up funny at the simple touch of Ginko's palm. It's a new experience, to be touched while he's like this. Usually, he's isolated, alone, trying to pull the shattered pieces of himself together just enough so that he can hide it all behind yet another mask. It's hard for him to say if he likes it or not. "I know, but I'd rather-"

Do a lot of things than tell her, honestly, but he doesn't get a chance to say that. Instead, Feathers coos louder and, using the full mass of his feathery body, begins to shove Joker closer towards Ginko. That sure snaps him out of it. "Oi, Feathers, what-"

No. No questions. Only group hug. That includes you, Ginko, because if those wings can hold feathery projectiles, they can hold you.

"--Oh." Well, he supposes that's one way to keep Joker from going into another circular line of thought. But, also, he really was not prepared to be dragged into a sudden group hug with his boyfriend and said boyfriend's giant owl.

It's unexpected enough, in fact, for Ginko to go silent for a few moments, one hand still on Joker's jaw, the other moving reflexively to rest on Feathers' shoulder.

That silence doesn't last long, though, before it's broken by a short, disbelieving laugh. "...Guess that's Feathers' input, then."

Shit. When Ginko laughs, that has Joker laugh too- although he suspects his comes off with just a tinge too much hysteria. His mind isn't in the right place at all.

"Bloody hell, Feathers, we were havin' a moment." It was a miserable and emotional moment, but it was some sort of moment. Joker surrenders, letting his forehead bump against Ginko's shoulder. He might get a mouthful of ear and metal, but that's what he signed up for when he agreed to be in a relationship with Joker.

He can still definitely hear what a mess Joker is, and that still prods at him, in the back of his mind.

But he's pretty sure they could both use a break from talking about it all, if only a momentary one. So, after letting out an amused snort at the ear and jewelry bapping against his face, he twists to press his lips to the arch of Joker's cheekbone, right by the base of his ear.

Ah-

Was that-

"Did ya just kiss me?"

He knows that's just what happened. He can still feel Ginko's warm breath by his skin, and the tingle, right near the base of his ear where those lips touched. It's just.... Somehow, he wasn't expecting it at all.

Ginko blinks, and pulls back a little, as best he can when they're pulled into close quarters like this. Which probably means he's getting an ear to the face again.

"Uh-- yes. Sorry, should I not have?"

An ear and jewelry, but, hey. That's the price one pays for love. In return, of course, Ginko gets to see that comical look of surprise that's all over Joker's face.

"But I was gonna do it ta ya!"

It only takes a moment of taking in that look before Ginko's look of startled doubt becomes a delighted, and thoroughly entertained, smile.

"Well, maybe you should be faster next time."

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