lostcarnival | but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Entry tags:

but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.

[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

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[If there's anything reassuring for Ginko, it's that Joker doesn't seem to get worse.... necessarily. However, it's clear by his wretched expression that he's not going to be dragging himself out of his hole anytime soon.]

[Of course he would say that. Anybody would say that. But they don't know. He takes in a breath, a horrible wet sound, and scrapes his fingers against the branch. Wood on wood.]

S'where I belonged. That- s'all was a long bleedin' time comin'. [Another breath- but it's more of a bit back sob, this time, and he can taste copper on the back of his tongue.] Why add more regrets- because sometimes there's so much garbage that one more in the gutter don't change it at all.

Get it?

...I do get what you're saying. [That reasoning sounds all too familiar, actually.] But I can't agree with it.

Tormenting yourself... doesn't help anyone. It can't change the past, no matter how much you might want to. There are better ways to make up for what you may have done wrong, even if they don't feel like much. I... can't claim to know what's happened before, let alone tell you how to feel about it. But I know you now. I know you're an important part of this place, and that you care about the people here, and that they care about you.

You're doing good here. That's more important than torturing yourself over whatever you may have done wrong, no matter how much you might feel like you deserve it - or whatever you might do to try and hide it.

[Nothing but silence comes from Joker as Ginko speaks, eyes dull even as the bright pink shines through the gloom. Can't change the past... Oh, doesn't he know that. He's wished to change it so hard, but it's something that even the Ringmaster can't touch.]

[All the mistakes he's ever made, he's stuck with.]

[His head bobs forward slightly, one antler scraping against the tree, and there's a weak laugh.]

Not enough good.... Nothin' would ever...

[And then he starts to slip off the branch.]

[Yeah, this is doing... absolutely nothing to make Ginko less concerned. But the fact remains that there's kind of a more immediate problem now.]

--Shit! [Ginko lunges forward, managing to get one arm around Joker and haul him back onto the branch. Sometimes years of practice carrying a box of supplies and also other people around come in handy.]

Okay. I think we should probably talk about this later. [Because this kind of seems like something that shouldn't be left off like this, but also...] I'm going to try to get you off that branch, okay? I need you to hold onto my shoulders so you don't fall.

[At least Joker doesn't fight against Ginko dragging his sorry drunk ass back up, a limp wet fish. Or. Well. A bird. Slumping back onto the branch, he rubs at his face.]

....Need ta get back home... [He means the trailer.] Doll'll...

[Rolling his L's is sounds like a mess, but, listen. Words. Wobbling a little, he pushes himself up and just kind of... flops against Ginko.]

[Oh, there's his hand. On the shoulder even, and not anywhere else.]

Yeah, that's the goal. [That name sounds familiar. Has more of Joker's family ended up here, then? At least he won't be left unattended like this.

Okay, there's step one.] There we go. Now, just hold on...

[He leans over to get his arms around Joker, just under his wings, and-- okay, hold on, first to try and get his wings more disentangled from those branches. Shit. Through some miracle, he manages it without dropping Joker. But they've still got to get down. ...And now Ginko is supporting Joker's weight as well as his own, and still working with hooves.

He turns carefully on the branch and scoots over to get his hooves on the next foothold down, holding Joker against him with one arm and keeping a grip on the tree with the other. Okay, good. Another step down, and another...] Definitely hold on, this might take a bit of--

[And then his hoof slips from its support, sending both of them plummeting a good ten feet to the ground. At least Joker has some cushioning between himself and the ground (though that might be worth more if he weren't a vampire already), but Ginko isn't so lucky.

There goes ALL THE AIR IN HIS LUNGS. Give him a moment.]

[If Joker was sober, he’d find this to be a great joke. So one deer tries to get another deer out of a tree, and one of them is drunk…]

[But then, if Joker were sober, they wouldn’t be in this situation. That is to say, on the ground. Having hit it.]

[The only good news for this whole mess is that, out of instinct from the sensation of falling, Joker gives a slight jerk and his wings start to flap partway. Granted- it doesn’t do much help, especially considering Joker’s drunken flying is what got him stuck in a tree in the first place. But at least it’s a slightly lighter than what Ginko might have otherwise got before Joker goes sprawling against him and his wings flap out to lay limply across them.]

[Joker just lays there for a second too, blinking and in a daze.]

….what happened?

[Ginko appreciates it; he does like not having his ribs broken.

He groans and starts working on sitting up as he catches his breath, keeping a hand on Joker's back so he doesn't end up just dumping him on the ground.]

We fell. Or... I did, sorry. You hurt or anything?

[Oh, okay, hand on his back, he'll just. stay down then.]

I'm dead.

[what do you mean that's not answering the question]

...I meant besides the vampire thing, but... fine.

[He gets them both sitting up and looks Joker over with a frown, checking for scratches or bruises.] If you're okay, we should get going. I need you to hold on again so I can stand up, alright? I'll support you.

[Joker sways a little bit as he's made to sit- it's a miracle that he was able to fly at all although maybe he did just fall out of a tree- and blinks owlishly at Ginko.]

Goin'...? Right, gotta get back home ta Doll...

[Don't mind him, just getting up to his feet all by himself, he's fine, this isn't a questionable decision]

That's right--

[Ah jeez. Ginko clambers to his feet, holding out his hands cautiously, already preparing to catch Joker.] --Hey, careful.

[Joker sort of just... slumps against Ginko, forehead pressing against his shoulder. His mumbled words become further muffled.]

Gotta keep her safe.... Can't mess up again...

[Shit okay this is a thing now he guesses. Ginko tenses for a moment, then sighs and pulls Joker's arm over his shoulder.]

...She's gonna be fine, okay? [It's not like a lot is going to happen to her alone in the trailer.] You're going to do just fine. Right now, just focus on getting back.

If she's fine, it's okay...

[If he's not.]

[Which is why he's not.]

[But none of that gets said as Joker lapses into silence, fine with shuffling alongside Ginko.]

[If Joker won't say any more, neither will Ginko; instead, he stays focused on keeping him supported on the way to Supervisors' Grove.

By the time they reach the trailer, keeping Joker upright is definitely putting some strain on him. He's pretty sure he didn't break anything, thank goodness, but he's still very glad to reach their destination.

Once they get there, he steps up and tries the door; if it's unlocked, he'll just go in, helping Joker step up. Otherwise, he'll step back and knock a couple times.]

[Maybe it's all that time having a tent and no door, but Doll hasn't quite gotten the hang of locking things up, even after what happened with Smile.]

[But she does hear someone coming close, and she springs towards the door to open it.]

Thank goodness, Joker! Where'd all'a Snake's--

[She cuts herself off when she sees who's at the door and the state Joker's in.]

Bloody hell-- get 'im in, quick! [Doll gets out of the doorway, still hovering close to help the stranger lug Joker into the trailer.]

[Joker is still sort of curled up against Ginko as they approach, but you know what rouses him up pretty fuckin' quick? Doll's voice. Immediately, he's trying to straighten up, wings fluttering a little.]

S'just- I'm fine. Just- too much wine.

[He's not fine.]

[Ginko's definitely glad for the help. He frowns at Joker, then looks around for somewhere to put him down - a bed, a chair, whatever.]

Far too much wine, and maybe a few bruises. Maybe tell him not to drink and fly next time.

Oh that's a funny one, Joker, tell it to me again when y'can stand all by yourself. [Doll frowns deeply at Joker's insistence that he's "fine", but she's already bustling over to her bed to pull the covers back. Joker had given her his spot and wouldn't hear about them snuggling together in one, and she still has no idea where Snake is so she's not about to occupy his bed with their drunk older brother.]

[She is going to give him such a talking- to, leaving her to deal with this mess.]

[She gestures to the man holding up Joker to put him down on the prepared spot, eyes narrowing at his griping.]

Oh yeah? 'N where were you, Father Parish-Pickaxe, while he was flappin' about half cocked like this?

[There's an attempt at a giggle.]

Father Parish-Pickaxe.... Good.

[What's good? Doll?? The nickname??? Who knows. Not Joker. Have fun getting him to lay down with his wings, Ginko.]

[He sighs, ears tilting back. He doesn't actually look at Doll when he speaks, focusing on getting Joker down; he guesses he should start by sitting him down on the bed before getting him to actually lie down. Does this guy just sleep on his side all the time or what??]

What does that even... never mind. I didn't know any of this was happening 'til I found him in a tree.

[Well. Okay fine. She retracts some of her ire. Getting knackered and flying up into a tree does sound like the kind of bonkers stuff Joker would get up to, though she's a little lost on why he's drunk.]

[After a huffy moment, Doll goes over to the bed to help, pulling Joker's legs straight and climbing up onto the bed to help turn him.]

Down on his front, if he's gonna upswallow he shouldn't be on his back. [She has no qualms manhandling Joker, though it's hard being small and having to watch two extra appendages.]

[The wings do make things a pain in the ass, although at least Joker- fucking hammered as he is- does make an attempt to help before flopping face first onto the bed. There's something just barely audible from where he mumbles into the bed.]

Ginko's a good...

[There's a word that's missing, but let him just stay there.]

Right. [He helps get Joker settled, then takes a step back from the bed.

Joker's... non-sentence gets a quiet laugh - which Ginko immediately regrets, actually, wincing and setting a hand on his side, over his ribs. He's gonna just... sit down on the floor for a bit. If you guys don't mind.]

--Oof. Glad to hear you think so.

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