lostcarnival | just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

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just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

Who: Everyone who's stupid enough to show up for this, because legal drinking ages are for people from a different century/planet.
When: Afternoon/Evening, Day 30
Where: Lakeshore
What: Local Carnival workers get wasted and set off fireworks by the lake.
Warnings: Carnival shenanigans, ie. booze, drugs, and people getting set on fire probably. Put any tag-specific warnings in your headers!

So, Wismuth happened.

Lambert's pretty willing to bet a good chunk of the Carnival is pretty happy to act like Wismuth didn't happen, but he also doesn't really care about what sorrows people are drowning or not tonight: he knows he needed this drink, and after he'd slept off the immediate exhaustion that came with running around Wismuth for nearly two weeks with the power of Creation more or less constantly burning through him, he's ready to something, anything to feel like himself again.

Fast-forward to the lakeshore. There's a huge bonfire going, a box of assorted fireworks that's been 'liberated' from wherever the hell engineering keeps their supplies, and probably a crate of wine that's going to disappear sooner rather than later. Anything else, someone's going to have to bring themselves.

[ ooc: This is a mingle log! Bring your own entertainment, food, questionable substances etc. ]

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Another pause, but this one comfortable. She trusts Cole -- a certainty that has never gone away, for he will always do what he believes to help, and it's that unwavering belief that she admires. Affording herself the luxury of self-doubt was something she could never do as Inquisitor, and now that the thoughts creep into her mind, she's not sure what to do with them all.

"I can see what you mean now, about there being hurts to heal here. Why you signed on in the first place." Not that she doubted his word. But hearing it and experiencing it are two entirely different things. Cole will always go where he is needed, no matter what.

"She doesn't mean for it to happen," Cole cryptically remarks. "It just does." After all, the Ringmaster had no idea the Void would show up and take people like it did. It isn't her fault that dangerous things keep happening. They just do.

As always, Cole picks up on Lavellan's thoughts and doubts and worries. She's worried because it's her. Because she changed. "You became a Guardian in the end," he explains. "The potential for good was always there. That might be why it happened to begin with."

After all, none of the other Harbingers turned back to normal people after they were changed. They all became Guardians. So they had to have been able to be that strong in the first place.

Lavellan snorts at that, and shakes her head. "Makes me wonder if the Carnival is just cursed." Or doomed to have bad luck follow them wherever they go, if it's a trend. Still, when Cole picks up her thoughts, she doesn't tense or otherwise try to get him to stop -- she has always encouraged him to do what felt right.

Even if means talking about things she'd rather leave in the dark. Still -- he's drug out things in her heart before, in front of Solas and the rest of them. This is between the two of them, and she knows that she needs to hear it or else he wouldn't find worth saying in the first place. "I still accepted it, Cole. The Void and what it offered me." Because she wanted it to end. The weight of her failures, the knowledge that she couldn't save Thedas. And while she wouldn't stop trying... that didn't mean she wouldn't fail.

And if that was who she'd become if she did--

"It was lying to you." Because it had to be. Whatever the Void said to convince Lavellan that she was a failure, that she couldn't do anything, obviously it was lying to her.

"You beat back demons, always shining and staying you." She beat back Envy. She stopped that demon from taking her form and her face. And if she spotted the Void again, she could beat it back one more time. Cole's utterly confident in this: Lavellan's problem wasn't that she failed, it's just that she didn't know it was lying to begin with.

"You just didn't know what this was. But you do now. And it won't hurt you again."

Only those words from Cole could have the effect on Lavellan that they do -- shoulders sagging in relief. It means something when it's Cole, it always does. He doesn't have the capacity for deception, in her opinion, that would be beside the point of who he is. She, of course, does not know about Envy, for she grabbed the mages instead -- but as Cole doesn't mention it specifically, Lavellan doesn't mention it.

"Demons I know how to fight. Even Nightmare." Although she wasn't the one who stayed behind for that. "If only the Void decided to take a different form than either myself or CY-Ren next time." It wasn't something external, it was internal. And that has always been under attack in recent months, ever since Solas revealed her plan, the truth of everything she ever thought was real. "I wasn't the only person it hurt," she reminds him, her eyes flicking to his chest. She'd... well, the fact that he's still alive and in one piece was a relief, considering.

Cole, bless his heart, does not at all realize that Lavellan's talking about how she hurt him. But she's right. The Void hurt so many people and he has no idea how to help some of them. But he's compassion so he's certainly going to try.

"I don't think I can help all of them," he frowns. "Some close themselves off, thoughts tight, feelings fixed. But they don't have to know it's me. A whispered word, a " After all, that's how he helped the most in Wismuth, before all this started. Leaving little gifts here and there, whispering words of encouragement to people, he could definitely do that. A small little voice, telling the others you're stronger than you realize. You can fight this off again.

Which really only goes to prove that Cole is the most cinnamon roll of them all. Except for that stabby, murder thing he has going on -- but in comparison to the rest of the companions, what's a little murder between friends? He wants to help, that will never change, and Lavellan admires him and appreciates him for it.

"It's hard for people to accept help if they don't want it," she says, thinking of one bald asshole in particular. "Or if they feel they are undeserving of it." A pause, and Lavellan gestures for Cole to sit closer, if he wanted to. He'd practically flung himself at her after she'd been released from the Void, and the hug had been nice. A reassurance that, even if she'd gone and destroyed all the relationships she'd made here, at least there was Cole.

A small smile then, and a shake of her head. "You've always been good at subtly helping. I'm glad you're here, Cole."

In Cole's defense, he's sorry about the serial killer backstory, that counts, right? Right.

And Cole can pick up on the fact that Lavellan's thinking of one bald asshole in particular. Really, so many of her problems can be traced straight to said bald asshole. Solas isn't as bad as he tries to be! He's not that kind of wolf! He just thinks he is and refuses to change. Then again, the Solas Defense Squad over here knows that pointing it out might be a bad idea.

So, he moves a bit closer to Lavellan, close enough that Cole could rest his head on Lavellan's shoulder or vice versa.

"I'm glad you're here too, Inquisitor," he simply says. "And so are others. You haven't broken as much as you think. They understand."

Totally counts.

Lavellan takes the initiative and rests her head against his shoulder with a soft sigh. She'll change if he wants that, but for now she's content like this. "Someone once told me that only an ally can betray you, and betrayal is always worse. I can't pretend that they don't feel the sting of that, even if they understand." That someone who you trusted would so willingly turn violent on others at a moment's notice. Lavellan sighs again, eyes flicking up to his nug ears -- the sight makes her think of his companion and she smiles slightly.

"A nug as a reflection of your soul, huh?"

Cole doesn't make any attempt to move when Lavellan leans against his shoulder. This is what she needs, so this is what she's getting. At the soul comment though, Cole can't help but smile a little.

"And a halla for yours." There's a pause, before Cole admits, "I miss her."

Sure, he's got Lavellan and Solas and so many other dear friends here. But it's nice to have someone who's just such a part of him that he doesn't have to explain things the way he does some other people. The nug part of his soul was shrill, overbearing, and kind of bitchy, but she still knew him.

A snort at that. "I feel like I should resent how very typically Dalish it was," but she doesn't, for seeing that was reassurance too. Solas might have taken away her faith, rewrote history as she knew it, and undermined her entire culture, but her soul was still reflective of being Dalish. Perhaps in the most obvious way possible, but it had been nice for while it lasted.

That he misses his nug is almost a surprise, but it makes her smile all the same. "She's still a part of you," she points out with a shrug, unaware of the details. "Even if she's not out and talking, she hasn't completely disappeared." Not that it helps, she knows, but -- Cole is capable of giving comfort to so many, it would be poor taste not to try to return the favor.

He knows what she's trying to do. This is Lavellan being nice. This is Lavellan being kind and trying to help him the way he helps others. And honestly? Cole appreciates it. He can't help but smile, giving her a tiny little nod.

"Thank you," he quietly remarks. It's not exactly the same, knowing that something's a part of you but you can't really talk to it. But her reassuring him certainly helps. "And you say you should resent it, but you don't. And you shouldn't. It's still you, no matter what Solas says."

The Dalish were a part of Lavellan's identity. She can't just throw it out like an old piece of clothing.

Ah. Lavellan hums, slightly, and her return smile to Cole dims. He was right -- but at the same time she doesn't know how to put it into words. But she will try, and knows that he will put together what she can't. "All my life I have known that one day I was going to be Keeper. I didn't want to be anything else, and even as Inquisitor I thought-- I thought I'd be able to go home at the end of it." Foolish in retrospect, but that's what she wanted.

Now, well. "How can I return to them and lead them when what we know of our culture is a lie?" How can she look them in the eyes and tell them nothing about what she's learned? No one has to suffer for her knowledge, she won't make it a cause she has to champion, but she's unwilling to destroy others as Solas so casually destroyed her face. "I don't feel Dalish anymore, Cole."

The tattoos on her face aside.

Solas told her because he thought she needed to know the truth, not caring of her thoughts, her ideas, her feelings on the matter. Lavellan won't tell because she knows that some truths are best buried, hidden and hiding. She's kinder than he is.

"The Dalish are a people but they aren't. It can shift and change, flowing forms. You could feel a different Dalish. After all, you still care."

Lavellan was still Dalish. She might not believe in the gods, the culture might be different, but she still cares about her clan, about their feelings, about their hurts. That could still make her Dalish.

It's what she needs to hear, even if it doesn't have the instant impact that Cole hopes for -- it makes her smile, at least. "It's something to think about. Thank you," she gives him. What would a Dalish elf who wasn't Dalish look like? She supposes she'll find out in time, whether or not she wants to. But her shoulders relax, as if a weight has been lifted from her chest.

And then -- "How are you doing, Cole?" Beyond missing his familiar, beyond the compassion he is bringing to others. She knows he is still who he is, someone with his own thoughts and opinions. She'd be careless to think otherwise, and wrong.

Sometimes helps don't happen all at once. Sometimes it's gradual. This...is probably going to be very gradual. Still, he can help. He'll still be there. That's what he's for, after all.

At Lavellan's question, Cole pauses. How is he doing...it's not something he really thought about intensively. He misses his familiar, that much is obvious. But aside from that, Cole thinks he's doing fine. Lavellan and Solas are here. He can help. He's helped a lot in Wismuth, to be honest, and those brief moments of happiness are enough to keep Cole going.

"I'm doing well," he definitively says. Because he is. He's doing well. And he's glad he's doing well enough to begin with.

However long it takes, so long as he can, Lavellan knows on instinct that Cole will be there. It's what he does, and that reassurance alone is enough to make her smile. How thankful she is is hard to put into words, so she doesn't try further. Just is content to sit there.

"Good," she says, smiling at the definitive answer. "You know the moment that you're not, you can come to me, right?" And she will do anything and everything she can in order to change it for him. There is nothing that will stop her from keeping him safe, as much as she can. That causes a twinge of regret -- for she couldn't keep him safe from herself -- before she pushes her thoughts away from that.

"I will," Cole says, as if it's obvious. "You've helped me through so much already. You'll help me again if I need it."

Because she has. Helping him become him, dealing with his feelings, with the real Cole, with so many things and so many problems. Cole knows that if he needs her, Lavellan will be there and Lavellan will help. So, he scoots a little bit closer towards her, giving her more shoulder to lay her head on.

"You saved yourself in the end," Cole murmurs. "That matters more than keeping me safe."

"Always," she swears, just in case she needs to say it again. Whatever it might be, just because he was behind her in time didn't mean she wouldn't help. Lavellan reaches for his hand to squeeze it in reassurance, smiling slightly.

His reassurance makes her smile widen, and she lets out a long breath, silent for a moment. "Well, I can hardly be expected to save someone else if I can't save myself." It's self deprecating, slightly -- but also one that's said with more determination than the desperation in those final moments before she became herself again.

Cole can sense the determination in her voice. And good. She's more sure of herself now, of who she is and what she can do. That's what he wanted to hear. She's had so many changes, so many revelations and falters, but that does not change the fact that she's still her. That determination makes him smile slightly.

"You're you," Cole simply remarks, just as determined as Lavellan. "And you'll always be you. What others say or do can't change that." No matter what Solas tells her, what new revelations are thrown her way, she will always and forever remain Lavellan.

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just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

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