[closed]

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and Ginko
What: Dealing with the Rose Queen has brought to the surface some memories that would rather be forgotten.
When: Shortly before the camping stop
Where: The Menagerie
Warnings: The discussion and effects of parental-child abuse, eventually


If anything, he feels like sleep should be coming to him easier now that they've gotten Steven back.

Not only Steven, either, but everyone else who was taken from them- they got them back, too. Some of them, admittedly, not... entirely whole... but they were gotten back regardless. Better to go through some rough patches and come back then none and stay with creatures like that, right?

So he should be able to rest well, instead of the frantic anxiousness which had overtaken him when they'd all been planning and waiting, leaving him with short naps instead of proper sleep.

But he can't. In a way he can't explain, there's a switch of anxiety in him, a different sort of tension. It's as if he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if he's waiting for something to come crashing down on him.

And it is only him, when he takes a second to examine his feelings. For a while, he assume it's because of, well.... Everything else. The fae courts on them no doubt even harder, the things they all had to do, whatever flaming trainwreck is happening within the Nightrider.... That'd be enough to stress any of them out. He's pretty sure everyone is, on some level. But no. No, when he thinks of his anxiety, it's not for all of them, but him in particular. It's left him feeling as if he's a hair away from lashing out at someone, or breaking down into tears.

And he still has to talk to Doll, something which he's been avoiding because of all this. Fantastic.

At some time before, Joker knows what he would have done, which would have been force all of it down after trying to avoid his own family for ages, at least here in the carnival, before forcing himself through an unfortunate conversation. Now, however, well.... He knows there's an offer on the metaphorical table. It's just that picking it up, metaphorically, isn't doing anything for his stress.

Still. It's taken a couple of days, but here he is, trying to avoid Feathers' desire to still go up to his shoulder. The result is him, walking backwards in the menagerie, while he tries to reason with the human-sized owl.

"No. Noooo. Feathers- stop, don't ya flap yer wings like that at me. How have ya not realized that yer at least two feet taller now, ya dim tit?"

Feathers coos.

Comments

[pipers_son]

It's a good offer... He just wishes he could give it a solid answer. But how can he, when he doesn't even know what the problem is? At least, not definitively, not really. Still, he takes in a deep breath, eyes closing for a moment. If he can just... bite back his instinctive urge to lie and shy away...

"I don't know how ta calm down." The words leaves his mouth with some reluctance. "For the last while, it's just been- like all the adrenaline or whatever it is hasn't left me when it shoulda by now."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko frowns, and gives Joker's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "When did that start?"

[pipers_son]

"The part where we all got trapped in a room with a murderous high fae queen seems like a good start." His mouth twitches, trying to make a smile and add to some level of glibness, but it's not really working. "But that's done with. Innit?"

[dontpokethat]

"...Maybe so. But it sounds like the kind of thing that would stick with you."

Even not having been there, he can... certainly imagine. Because holy shit.

[pipers_son]

"But it wasn't even me!" There he goes- too snappish, too aggravated, and Joker takes in a sharp sudden breath as he squeezes his eyes shut. His hand reaches up, threading through his hair before inevitably bumping into one of his antlers.

"Nothin' much happened ta me," he says, voice a bit tight. He doesn't want to talk about this, and it's taking considerable effort to do so. "I didn't get stuck in the ground like a plant, and I didn't get buried alive."

[dontpokethat]

Under different circumstances, hearing that tone from Joker might make Ginko flinch - but he's gotten better lately at reading when Joker is on-edge, and, in this case, it's not a surprise to hear him get frustrated. He stands quietly, letting Joker calm himself a bit and speak again.

"You don't have to have been hurt directly to be affected by something like that. It seems like this all hit you pretty hard; it's not hard to imagine that could happen just by you being there."

[pipers_son]

He's a hair away from continuing his argument against Ginko when something seems to... click. His mouth, which had been opening to go on, closes again, and his gaze flicks away, sorting through the realization. After a second, he gives a dry and humorless laugh.

"Ah. Ha. No wonder."

Give him a second to bother with an explanation. He... needs it.

[dontpokethat]

...Well. Looks like they're getting somewhere.

Ginko will give him a moment to get his thoughts together, his ears swiveling forward curiously. "...What do you mean?"

[pipers_son]

Unsurprisingly, actually having to talk about it has Joker glancing away, foot tapping along the ground. Perhaps Feathers senses something is amiss, because he finally turns away from the idle attention Ginko has been lavishing on him. Instead, he just leans all of his feathery body against his trainer and begins to softly hoot.

Well. It's not a dog or a cat purring, but beggars can't be choosers. Joker rests one hand along the back of Feathers' head ."Just," he starts after a moment, taking in the details of Feathers' cloak, "might not have ta imagine it, I think."

[dontpokethat]

Thank you, Feathers, that seems pretty helpful. Ginko, meanwhile, finds himself pushing down his own curiosity, as seems to happen pretty often with Joker. Just give him time, nudge him a bit.

"...You've had something like that happen before?"

The faintest outline of an idea is starting to form in Ginko's mind. But it's too soon to be making assumptions about what Joker is thinking of.

[pipers_son]

"Didn't get my limbs stuck in the ground, if that's what ya meant," Joker says, which is the same half deflection as he often employs. It's second habit; he can't help it. It takes him another second or two, with half of his face resting in Feathers' head, before he adds anything else.

"...And the fake parent bit, maybe." More than just the fake parent bit, too.

[dontpokethat]

He almost expects that initial deflection at this point, and doesn't see any reason to comment on it. He just waits until Joker speaks up again.

...Yep. That confirms that. He gives a quiet, sympathetic hum, and... squeezes Joker's shoulder again, because hell if he knows what else to do here. "Of course something like that would throw you off. It's not an overreaction."

[pipers_son]

"Sure seems like one," he mutters in the direction of Ginko's hand, face turning against Feathers' coat. "I didn't want ta think about it at all. S'not-" One hand rises up, a jerky tense gesture that doesn't go anywhere before he lets his arm swing back down again.

"Been tryin' not ta think about it for years now." Because that's always a solid plan.

[dontpokethat]

"...Then of course it will feel like an overreaction."

Once again, this is seeming... painfully familiar. That seems to happen sometimes, when he and Joker get into talking about... this kind of thing. Boy he hates it.

"If you get into the habit of setting your own feelings aside, those that you can't ignore will always feel like they're too much. More than you should be experiencing. That doesn't mean that they actually are, or that you should feel bad about feeling the way you do."

[pipers_son]

Once, Joker had compared Ginko to a mountain, a homey kitchen filled with herbs and other such things. He still maintains all of that is true, of course, in the vivid green of Ginko's eyes and the line of his shoulders... but it's more than just that. It's how he says things like that, how his hand stays firm and solid on Joker when he feels like he might burst apart, lost to the faintest breeze.

The Rose Queen had been all the glitz and glamour of nature, with her vines and rose monsters. Yet it's standing here with Ginko just as he is that makes Joker feel like he's in rolling forests and the aching rise of hills he can remember from his home.

England had been garbage with its rotten gutters and apathetic countrymen, but Joker can't help miss its greenery sometimes.

"Sure feel bad," he says instead of voicing any of that. "Could do without it, quite bleedin' frankly."

[dontpokethat]

The corner of Ginko's mouth quirks in a wry, sympathetic smile, and he gives Joker's shoulder a little squeeze.

"That... would be nice, yeah. But trying to ignore what you're feeling won't help it to go away. It's best to just... accept it for what it is, and give it time. ...And talk to those around you."

[pipers_son]

Uh oh. Ginko might not have intended it to come off this way (although he just as equally might have), but all Joker can think about is a certain conversation he had when he was about to leave. A grimace passes across his face, and he shifts his head so that his face is a little more in Feathers' coat.

"S'about Doll?" he asks, muffled.

[dontpokethat]

He... meant it a little bit. It wasn't really his primary point, but he can't say that the thought of Joker's situation with his sister didn't come to mind at all.

"You can't put this off forever," he replies, somewhat apologetically. "I won't push you, particularly not right now. But you should try soon, alright?"

[pipers_son]

"I don't even know where ta start." Sighing, Joker adjusts his head so that it's just his chin resting atop Feathers' own head. For all his theatrics and obliviousness and fussiness, he's really a good patient bird. Then again, it helps that Joker is taking care to be careful in how he moves so as to not disturb any actual feathers. It's the little things.

"S'not like I want ta go out doin' dangerous things. But this is one thing I could do, as the Stage Manager, I figured.... It was all just actin'." And threat of death. It's fine. "Not ta mention, as a supervisor, I'm always gonna get targeted anyway." He grimaces. "Like... Celebration."

And being a vampire.

Coincidentally, also around the time Doll arrived.

[dontpokethat]

Ginko raises his eyebrows, because they both know it wasn't 'just' a matter of acting. But, on the other hand, he can't actually argue that Joker shouldn't have gone at all - and the fact does remain that his position as a supervisor puts him in danger on its own.

Of course, that's not the entire issue. Especially not this time.

"The fact that you go into danger so easily isn't the only problem. Of course Doll and I would both appreciate it if you could... stay safe, or at least try to. But, failing that - you shouldn't brush Doll off when she worries about you. We know you're under a lot of pressure, but... that kind of thing is only going to make things harder on her, and on you in turn."

[pipers_son]

"Easier said than done..." Underneath him, Feathers gives a deep coo, and the force of it going through his feathery body seems to make Joker rise up a little bit too. "What can I say ta her worryin' about me...? This is why I didn't want her ta stick around here with a contract..." Reaching up, he rubs at the base of his antlers.

"I can't say I'll be alright, 'cuz we all know I probably won't." That's the carnival life for you. At least, recently it is. "Anythin' I say seems like it'll just be brushin' her off..."

[dontpokethat]

"We do. But she at least wants to know that you'll try. The way you reacted back there, you didn't give her anything; to her, it just felt like you were scolding her for being worried at all."

He lets out a quiet breath, pressing his lips together as he thinks for a moment. "...Do you remember the story I told you to pass the time, back in the hot tub?"

[pipers_son]

"Felt like if I tried ta reassure her, it would't work either..." Joker flicks his thumb against wood and opal. If he can't do that, he has no idea what else to say. It feels like things have really gone south, and he doesn't know how to turn the boat back around to north.

Ginko's question diverts his mind from that particular path of thought, and he blinks over at him. "...I remember cryin' and thinkin' ya had really good shoulders, but that's about it." That alcohol was a menace to society, honestly.

[dontpokethat]

"...Why would you... never mind."

Now isn't the time to ponder Joker's (still entirely baffling) attraction to him. Instead, Ginko takes a breath before he starts talking. They don't have time to go into the full version of the story again, but...

"I told you about... a pair of siblings I stayed with for a while, back in Japan. The younger brother had found an area in the mountains where mushi became active every winter, and had been going there to gather greens to refresh their food stores. But, because of the mushi, he would then fall into a deep sleep for the rest of winter, and not wake up until spring.

"His older sister appreciated that he was helping them get by - but she was worried about him. And the fact that he wouldn't tell her where he was going, or what was happening, and just brushed off her questions, didn't help. Even if she couldn't stop him from doing it, just understanding what was happening, and being able to help however she could, would have been better."

He looks pointedly at Joker, raising his eyebrows slightly. "I understand why you're hesitating. But, when it comes down to it, you can't keep doing this - and I don't want to have to re-use the lecture I gave to an eight-year-old on--"

Shit. What does he call him. His boyfriend? Partner? "...On you."

[pipers_son]

He'll gladly tell Ginko all about his good features... but maybe at a later date. For now, he stays quiet, listening to the story that sounds so faintly familiar to his ears. When Ginko finishes, he gives a quiet huff that could maybe be a laugh in better circumstances.

"Ya would be the first ta do so." But that's not the point. He finally stops fiddling with his antlers, although it hardly makes him feel better. "What if... even if I do tell her what I'm doin', it doesn't do anythin' for her?"