lostcarnival | ⇨ THE SUMMERLANDS

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⇨ THE SUMMERLANDS

Who: Everyone!
When: Day 119 - Day 126
Where: The Summerlands
What: Ignatius and Gild portal everyone to the Summerlands, with hopes of appealing to the Summer Maiden for help. Meanwhile, the carnival gets the chance to relax in luxury as only tentatively welcome guests. Here is the location write up from the last time the carnival visited. Since then, of course, some things have changed.
Warnings: Nothing in particular.

THE SUN RISES↴

After taking the time to rest, Ignatius and Gild will be able to pool together their energy to portal the carnival (and the airship) to the Summerlands. Those still in Polaris will be left to their own devices for the moment as Gild intends to ask for the Summerlands aid in relocating them, hopefully as soon as possible. With the effort the carnival put into sorting things out in there, however, they should be fine on their own for a little while, at least.

They will arrive in the flowery fields at the base of the mountains, and soon the Summer Fae will notice their presence. Since the last time they visited, however, the atmosphere has changed.

► YOUR ARRIVAL: As the Summer Fae discover the group's arrival, it will quickly become apparent that there is a tension present that wasn't there any of the other times the carnival has visited. The Summer Maiden comes to greet the group personally, with an entourage of armed Summer Fae. They are not at all aggressive unless provoked, but there is clearly a wariness that is new. They seem uncertain about Ignatius being here, and while Gild will be able to do a lot of the talking and smooth things over, the Summer Maiden will deflect having a serious conversation about affairs until the carnival has taken time to 'rest.' It's more likely that the Maiden needs a moment to think over this new information before dealing with it.

► SUMMER CITY: After the Summer Fae become aware of everyone's presence, and the initial uncertainties are accommodated, they will invite you into their city. There are stairs that lead up the sides of the mountains, but thankfully there are also magical means of getting up there as well. The Summer Fae will be willing to help workers with the injured as needed, offering herbal remedies and healing magic to those that want it. You'll also be invited to join them for dinner, but it feels like more of a formality, and no one is obligated to take them up on it.

► SUMMER PEOPLE: The fae here will do their best to entertain these new visitors - but it doesn't seem that much happens here besides day after day of peaceful meditation and relaxation. It is not uncommon to see Summer Fae spent days doing exactly the same thing, whether that be enjoying the weather, listening to music, or dancing - the day and night periods may be similar to earth, but when you don't need rest it can all blur together just the same. Some of the fae work on feats of agriculture or craftsmanship, and while there is no particularly need to work in this place, they take pride in the fact that they do.

► FAMILIAR FACES: One very different thing about the Summerlands this go around is that there appears to be a small settlement built at the base of the mountains, filled entirely with the former residents of the Manor. Alyss and Reyna will explain that they set up a place to live down there with the Summer Fae's help, and that the fae seems to be trying to remain hands off except when they are needed. The Manor folk overall seem to be doing well, though there is some tension regarding their place in the Summerlands - they are clearly seen as refugees, and while the Summer Fae do their best to help them, the arrival of the carnival and the request for even more help with refugee aid seems to be making things awkward.

► OF THINGS TO COME: The Summer Maiden will remain distant for the first few days, but according to Gild and based on personal observation, it will seem that the news that the Ringmaster has been taken and the idea that even more desperate mortals are requesting to come here are putting her at significant ill ease. She's not rude or dismissive, but she seems reluctant to address the situation head on, though she has said that she will hold a meeting with the carnival later in the week to discuss everything in more detail. None of them seem particularly angry or resentful, but they seem to regard the carnival as an ill portent of things to come.

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This is...odd. This isn't the sort of conversation he was expecting to have and honestly, Strange is a little confused and put out that everything's turning back on him. He bites his lip for a moment, thinking of what to do next, before impulsively responding,

"I forgive you. All that, all those wrongs and the people you hurt, they aren't erased. But I see the things you have done, I recognize the context of their circumstances, and I'm forgiving you anyway."

Ignatius isn't the only person to hurt people or do terrible things in wartime. Granted, raising children as slaves is a bit more intense than Strange's bout of wartime necromancy, but the point still stands.

"Ask around and I'm certain you'll find others who think the same."

It's really hard to rebuke someone who keeps pushing forward with nothing but forgiveness and understanding. It just doesn't feel real.

"You forgave me before I was ever sorry," he says, quietly, staring down at the water. "So what does it really mean?"

"It means that I'm damn more compassionate than most of the carnival realizes," Strange teases, with an awkward little laugh. "Or an idiot. Or both."

Probably both, if anyone else has anything to say about the matter. Very carefully, Strange gets to his feet and he starts to wade in the water, slowly moving towards Ignatius. He's definitely taking his time, partly to gauge Ignatius's mood, partly because holy shit this water's temperature change is all over the place, he is going to freeze his toes off.

"I'm forgiving you because I understand. You aren't the only one who fought in a war. If someone who I served with arrived at the carnival, he'd have plenty of stories about the necromancy, murder, and other magic that I did in the peninsula. But it wasn't done out of spite." Well, one killing was, but that's something different. "It was done because it was war, the enemy needed to be slowed down, or we needed resources. It's only when you look back later you realize the horrors that have happened."

It's hard to ignore, when it speaks so true to his personal experience. In a lot of ways, that is what it felt like - living in a reality where this is what was normal, what was necessary, where the brutality became more of a grind than a tragedy. It was only after being removed from it, after having his life disrupted, that he could fully acknowledge how bad things had gotten.

He doesn't react to Strange approaching,through the water does keep shifting temperature unpredictably. It's not a good feeling.

"I had the chance to realize I was on the wrong side," he says. "Yet... I passed it by. Everything I am is built on wrongness. I feel like... I would be better off not existing."

Strange continues to approach Ignatius as he wades in the water. He doesn't know how deep this pond is but he'll just shift forms and float if it gets too deep. Strange is trying his hardest to keep a neutral tone and a neutral expression despite the constant shifting of boiling and freezing temperatures.

"We could write a book on our wrong choices--hell, mine could probably span multiple volumes. But there's nothing you can do about a wrong choice except acknowledge it, try not to do it again, and move on." Which is something that Strange knows he should try to practice more himself. How many wrong choices has he dwelt on in the past few weeks? But this is the Ignatius pep talk hour, any insights about his own personality are squarely getting pushed to the 'deal with it later' column.

"And don't be silly," Strange gently chides. "If you didn't exist, then Rita and I would be devastated. Even if you're only existing for just one person, that's a good enough reason for me."

At the point that Ignatius is sitting, it only goes up to his shoulder blades, so being submerged shouldn't be a problem. The painful temperatures might be a reason to float on their own, though.

"Rita..." Ignatius murmurs uncertainly, like he doesn't quite buy that she'd be devastated, even though he knows it's gotten complicated. With Strange he's more inclined to believe it at his word.

"Just simply acknowledging it isn't enough," he says. "The responsibility is on my shoulders... to make things right. It will never stop following me."

Strange is a stupid masochist (who can also only hold forms for a short period of time), so he's forging through the water's painful temperatures as long as he can stand it and moving closer and closer to Ignatius. But man, this hurts. The thought of poofing to smoke is becoming more and more appealing.

"Then make it right," Strange responds, like it's obvious. "Or don't. It's your choice. Just know that no matter what choice you make, I will be by your side, as your friend, when you do so."

He's close enough to touch now so, to prove his point, he reaches out to try and lay a hand on Ignatius's shoulder. This is more stupid masochism but at least this one's a touching gesture and Strange is a relatively fire-resistant stupid masochist.

Ignatius flinches away from that touch when Strange reaches out, sprawling forward into the water if he has to to avoid that hand lingering. He turns around as he drops, facing Strange - his eyes show evidence of recent tears.

"It's not that simple Strange," he chokes out. "To say to just fix it... as if that's even possible! I don't... I don't want your unconditional support. I want to have earned it, to know that who I am matters...!"

Ignatius grips the sides of his head, and then plunges his fists into the water in frustration, causing a splash that turns to steam and then immediately into snow.

"You behave as if I've ensorcelled you, even when I haven't. Do you not care about justice at all?"

Edited 2018-12-06 18:22 (UTC)

Oh. He was crying. This is something that Strange has barely any experience with and he looks panicked for a moment. Still, he's going to try his hardest to continue until he puts his foot in his mouth or his legs get scalded, whichever happens first.

"You've earned my support a thousand times already!" Strange points out, trying to keep that hint of desperation from crawling into his voice. "You respect me, you tried to save me from the Twelve, you tried to protect us from the Hunt, you trust me, and you gifted me your power back in Polaris. If anything, I'm the one who hasn't earned the support you give me."

"Then..." Ignatius says, his voice falling to something softer and more melancholy. "Maybe we both need to consider who it is that truly deserves our loyalty. Is this anything more than a mutual repayment of debts?"

It's hard to explain the feeling of unreality he gets from it all, or the kind of validation he feels like he needs. The justification that would make it seem real.

"I cannot see anything I've done as beyond the call of duty for an ally. It was only fair exchange for the care you had shown me, but... I still can't understand what started it all. At the start I had done nothing worth honoring, but your commitment was the same... as if my control of you had never ended..."

He's trying super hard to keep his voice level but Strange is failing a little as the desperation creeps in. Ignatius can't see anything he's done as beyond the call of duty? That's ridiculous, it's all been beyond the call of duty!

"You respected me. And aside from that, I thought you needed an ally. There have been multiple times now where I was trapped somewhere or in the clutches of an enemy and thought my situation was hopeless. If there was even just one person to show me a little bit of compassion, it would have made the situation so much more bearable."

Trapped in the pillar of darkness, trapped in Nightshade's realm, trapped inside the Silver Mirror...there's a long list of moments where Strange was stuck somewhere, by himself, without really much contact with the outside world. It was only when he got those moments of contact that things went from 'soul crushingly lonely' to 'bearable.'

"It might have started off as me just wanting to be on your side, but after Eden, you deserve every bit of loyalty I can give to you. Besides, you're a good man. Isn't that reason enough?"

Ignatius stands up in the water, steam rising up around him. The desperation that Strange is trying to keep out of sight is plain on Ignatius's face.

"Do you even see me?" he demands. "How is capturing you, enslaving you, any kind of respect? I cast a spell to torture you! To punish you for what I saw as a lack of commitment to you own sacrifice! I saw your acceptance after the fact as purely an act of selfless kindness, but now I'm not sure you've ever perceived who I am at all."

"You say you wanted to follow me, to forgive and trust me, because you understood the trials of war. Because you know in your darkest moments you wanted the companionship that you were trying to give me. But does it even matter who I am? The more I learn, the more it feels that when you look at me, all you see is your own reflection!"

Strange shrinks back a little as Ignatius stands up: not out of fear, just out of the practical necessity of backing away from the taller person. He pauses for a moment before the desperation mixes in with anger at being called out like this and Strange starts yelling in return.

"I could ask the same thing!" Strange snaps, trying his hardest to temper his anger and trying not to glare at Ignatius. "I spent days in Nightshade's realm. I saw what the Rose Queen did to Steven, and what the Prince and the Mother of Invention did to their changelings. Compared to that, what you did to me was nothing. You claim I don't see you, but you can't even see yourself!"

"I let all these things happen!"

He throws up his hands.

"I had polite meetings with the Rose Queen while Steven and Rita were forced to stand silent, like our property. I remember that child's hands shaking so much I could hear his tray rattling, in apprehension of the moment his mother or I would strike. It was on our orders that Nightshade saw fit to torture you, and I would not have disagreed with her if it meant getting what we wanted."

"I have existed for so much longer than you can comprehend, and in all that time you can't claim to know the full depth of my inaction and passivity." He lowers his hands, his fists clenched. "We don't only exist in relation to other people. For the longest time I thought the same... that I wasn't as bad as I could have been, so it was enough. I was wrong. Yet, you don't seem to understand that."

And then, more softly: "And I will never be better if I allow myself to find solace in my own inadequacy."

Edited 2018-12-06 21:22 (UTC)

Strange listens, taking in all that Ignatius is saying. He's just as bad as the others, because of inaction over action. Logically speaking, he should absolutely be loathing Ignatius right now because of this revelation. Instead, Strange feels conflicted, at best, and he's having trouble pinpointing the reason why.

He hates this.

"Are you trying to make me hate you? Are you trying to drive me away? Because it's not working!" Strange lets out a little laugh, more desperate and slightly manic than anything else. "I don't know why but I can't hate you for what you're telling me. I'm trying to understand but I just...I don't..."

And Strange trails off, for once in his life at a loss for words.

Edited (whoops forgot a bit) 2018-12-06 21:34 (UTC)

"Do you mean to tell me that you didn't already know?" Ignatius says, incredulous. "That this is a surprise? Did you only imagine I was worth your sympathy by refusing to think about the implications?"

He feels his heart sinking, because this shouldn't even be news. He thought it was understood this entire time, but here Strange is, acting like this is a revelation, rather than a plea for him to look at it objectively. Had Strange been so desperate to imagine that Ignatius was the one fae worthy of such dedication and redemption? The one fae that had only ever had sympathetic motivations?

"Did you think that the reactions of the others were baseless? Did... Did you really think about who I was at all? Beyond what you wanted me to be?"

He's not angry so much as he sounds like something he had wanted to believe in is finally slipping through his fingers. Strange's acceptance of him seems more and more like it was purely irrational - insane, even.

"Of course they weren't baseless! I know shouldn't care about you, Lambert and the rest gave me plenty of reasons as to why I shouldn't!" And yet he does. Strange takes a step closer towards Ignatius, not moving to touch him or anything, just to bridge the gap.

"You trust me," Strange explains, trying as hard as he can to get the words out and not make even more a hash of this than he already has. "And you respect me. And you trusted and respected me at a time when almost nobody else did. I honestly cannot tell you how much that means to me. I might not have thought of the implications, I will willingly admit to that, but you've consistently given me a purpose in a time when I barely had any."

Ignatius looks away from him.

"You don't have to hate me," he says, quietly. "But I can't be your purpose. I'm not even sure of my own." He's silent for another moment. "They have no reason to trust us - either of us. Not with what I've done, and with you choosing to ignore it. It's our responsibility to earn it."

Then he looks back at Strange, and his gaze is sympathetic.

"If only a near stranger can find it in themselves to respect or trust you, then maybe you, too, need to be better. You can't look to me for the validation you need. You have other, older companions that need you more than I do. I have a very long time to figure this out. You may not."

Ignatius looks back at him, with a sympathetic gaze...and then Strange just makes the most undignified sniffling noise like he's about to cry. It's the fact that the look is sympathetic that is pushing him a bit over the edge: that and the fact that Ignatius is vocalizing what Lambert vocalized, saying a truth that Strange knows he has to admit. He fucked up and drove people away from him.

"That's the problem: I'm so afraid that they don't need me," Strange admits, with another sniffle. "I'm scared that everyone in the carnival will get along perfectly fine without me. And even if they do need me, they don't need me, but my magic or my connection to the Mirror."

It ties back into his fear that he mentioned with Yuya: that because he's not the top of anyone's priorities, he isn't needed. Which Strange knows is dumb and knows doesn't make any sense, but here we go.

The sentiment can't help but strike Ignatius as familiar. He almost gets lost in it, that notion of painful nostalgia. Regardless of Strange's flawed intentions, he thinks they still may have a lot of things in common. Even if it's not in the way Strange wanted.

"It's hard... to need someone that pushes you away," he says, tentatively, running a hand down the frown of his own chest, thoughtfully lost. "But... I don't know if it really is about need. We make a choice to bind ourselves to one another... maybe the fact that we never needed to in the first place is what makes it so precious."

He looks towards the Summerlands city, though it's hardly visible through the trees.

"Not needing someone doesn't mean you wouldn't be better with them."

Edited 2018-12-06 23:02 (UTC)

A pang of empathy shoots through Strange's chest at that first statement. Because he knows that feeling intensely-though his is less 'pushes you away' and more 'someone who can never reciprocate the sheer amount of need that Strange desperately wants.'

As Ignatius mentions binding to one another, Strange reflexively looks down at his wedding ring. And then, something clicks in his brain.

"You're right," he muses, still staring down at his hand. In theory, he could get along fine without Arabella. He got along fine without her for most of his early life. But his life has become so much more now that she's in it.

"Do fae have marriage?" Without waiting for an answer, Strange continues. "It's a human thing, where two people bind their lives together out of affection. Not wants or needs, but because they simply like each other. I realize this may sound terribly silly and I suspect it will be damn hard for me to do so, but perhaps I should start thinking of things here more like that, instead of worrying about needs or purposes."

"I'm familiar with the concept, but... no. We don't. Or if we do, it's very rare," he says, hesitantly. Some fae have probably made some kind of oath to each other, but it's not the same spirit as a human marriage. "Fae are too wary of contractual agreements for something as formal as that."

He smiles faintly, though, thinking of it.

"But we can come together for similar reasons. Because we desire each other's company. We're... not as good at it, as humans. But some of us try." He looks back to Strange, his gaze having drifted away in his musing. "I think that is the best way to look at it."

Strange makes a noise of acknowledgement, before bringing a hand to his eyes to wipe away some tears. He's still a little bit of a snotty mess, but he's coming off of it. When Ignatius looks back at him, Strange looks up from where he was looking at his ring and gives the fae an awkward, red-eyed smile.

"Thank you," Strange simply says. "You took the time to sit with me and talk all this out. There's very few people in the carnival who would do something like that and I appreciate it tremendously."

"I still like you, of course," Strange continues, with another slightly awful sniffling sounding noise. "You're a good man and I'll still defend you should anyone say otherwise. But I don't like you in the way that I did when this conversation started."

It's less that Ignatius got knocked off the pedestal and more that he got placed on an entirely different one, one that's a lot closer to the ground. Yes, Ignatius did terrible things. Yes, he deserves to be called out for those terrible things. But the Ignatius who did those things probably wouldn't have had this conversation with Strange.

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⇨ THE SUMMERLANDS

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