lostcarnival | but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Entry tags:

but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.

[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

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And that is why ya shouldn’t be climbin’ trees in that condition!

[Look at him. So proud to turn that back around on someone. Amazing.]

Shut up.

[Very eloquent, Ginko.

With a bit of struggling, he eventually manages to haul himself up to basically the same level as Joker.]

Think you can climb down with help, or should I try and carry you? And don't try to tell me you can do it if you're not sure.

[Clearly there's NO WAY this can go wrong.]

[For some reason, that has Joker burst burst into giggles as Ginko struggles up the tree, wings twitching and shoulders shaking. Ha! Shut up. Him. Although maybe that would be easier if he shut up, never got involved with people again. What good has it been doin’ him? The laughter dissolves into hiccups and, as Ginko settles on his new branch at level with him, Joker tries to scrape away the bloody tears which have started to slip down his face. Wooden fingers aren’t the best for that kind of thing, however.]

Don’t wanna get down. Just…. Gonna stay up here forever. Already part bird.

[Ginko's ears flip back. Yeah, that's not going to happen. His voice is gentler when he speaks again.]

Joker, I'm not going to leave you up here. What's going on? ...And hold still.

[He leans forward a little, then pulls his sleeve over his hand and reaches over to wipe the blood off Joker's face. That's just kind of pitiful.]

Too late. I live here now.

[But at least he does stay still, making a face like a child as Ginko wipes it clean. It's a wholly unfamiliar feeling, one that makes his wings twitching and something in his chest tighten.]

I'm tryin' ta live in a tree s'whats goin' on.

I could pick up on that much myself.

[He sits back and makes a face at his sleeve before rolling it back, putting a layer of fabric between the bloodstain and his arm.

More than anything, he's wondering why Joker would do this. Why he would let himself end up in this state, why he'd hide up in a tree like this and refuse to get down. But... he can't push. He doesn't know if it would get him anywhere, and he... really doesn't want to risk screwing up another friendship like that.]

...You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But you should get down; it looks to me like you're going to have enough regrets in the morning without waking up in a tree.

Already too many regrets.

[Ugh- there it is again. Washing like some ill tide through his stomach and weighing down on him heavy as the ocean is all that misery again. Of course he couldn't keep it at bay for long. He never can. So he tries to curl up in the branches, wings tugging at the branches in an attempt to curl around him. He presses at his face, miserable.]

[It's looking like there's a good chance that he's just going to make this needlessly difficult when, out of nowhere, he mutters something.]

There's those.... the mush things. Spirit buggers. Right?

Then why add more?

[He looks at Joker for a moment... then sighs, and leans back against the trunk. Maybe he'll need to take a different approach here...

Then Joker speaks again. Ginko looks up, his ears tilting thoughtfully.]

...Mushi, yeah. What about them?

[Why add more, huh? Ah, the great blatant secret of the world... But Joker doesn't answer right away. Instead, he runs his hand through his hair, fingers bumping clumsily against his antlers.]

Are they- so. They're just. They're their own thing. Aren't they? Not.... human souls or anythin'. Or. Whatever.

Mostly, no. Sometimes, people will be... turned into mushi, through some means or another. But mushi aren't human souls.

But do they.... [His hand circles a bit through the air, a meandering gesture that doesn't know what it wants to do.] Proof. Are they proof that we got somethin'?

...I don't know.

[He really can't claim to know one way or another. He rests the back of his head against the tree and stares up into the sky.]

I suppose... hm. In some cases, there's been evidence of people retaining memories after they're turned into mushi, even though their bodies are no longer solid.

So... maybe an argument could be made there.

So... Heaven and Hell- [He flaps his hand through the air.] Real Hell, not drama queen Hell, dunno if they exist?

['Drama queen Hell'... Ginko raises his eyebrows slightly, but doesn't comment on that part.]

No idea. I haven't given it much thought, but... I couldn't say.

[He doesn't ask what's bringing it on this time. Doesn't push or pry. He can only hope that Joker will explain if he feels like it.]

[The answer seems to pull out the wind from Joker's sails, and he slumps against the branches again, wings limp, head pressed into the crook of his arm.]

...Gotta be a Hell... Even if it's just that kind, I'll take it.... Shoulda just stayed... Told them...

...What?

[Ginko looks down at Joker again, his ears pinning back.]

Joker, you-- we need you here.

[He regrets that phrasing immediately. Same goddamn thing he said to Psi. Of course.]

There's no way they could have left you behind.

[If there's anything reassuring for Ginko, it's that Joker doesn't seem to get worse.... necessarily. However, it's clear by his wretched expression that he's not going to be dragging himself out of his hole anytime soon.]

[Of course he would say that. Anybody would say that. But they don't know. He takes in a breath, a horrible wet sound, and scrapes his fingers against the branch. Wood on wood.]

S'where I belonged. That- s'all was a long bleedin' time comin'. [Another breath- but it's more of a bit back sob, this time, and he can taste copper on the back of his tongue.] Why add more regrets- because sometimes there's so much garbage that one more in the gutter don't change it at all.

Get it?

...I do get what you're saying. [That reasoning sounds all too familiar, actually.] But I can't agree with it.

Tormenting yourself... doesn't help anyone. It can't change the past, no matter how much you might want to. There are better ways to make up for what you may have done wrong, even if they don't feel like much. I... can't claim to know what's happened before, let alone tell you how to feel about it. But I know you now. I know you're an important part of this place, and that you care about the people here, and that they care about you.

You're doing good here. That's more important than torturing yourself over whatever you may have done wrong, no matter how much you might feel like you deserve it - or whatever you might do to try and hide it.

[Nothing but silence comes from Joker as Ginko speaks, eyes dull even as the bright pink shines through the gloom. Can't change the past... Oh, doesn't he know that. He's wished to change it so hard, but it's something that even the Ringmaster can't touch.]

[All the mistakes he's ever made, he's stuck with.]

[His head bobs forward slightly, one antler scraping against the tree, and there's a weak laugh.]

Not enough good.... Nothin' would ever...

[And then he starts to slip off the branch.]

[Yeah, this is doing... absolutely nothing to make Ginko less concerned. But the fact remains that there's kind of a more immediate problem now.]

--Shit! [Ginko lunges forward, managing to get one arm around Joker and haul him back onto the branch. Sometimes years of practice carrying a box of supplies and also other people around come in handy.]

Okay. I think we should probably talk about this later. [Because this kind of seems like something that shouldn't be left off like this, but also...] I'm going to try to get you off that branch, okay? I need you to hold onto my shoulders so you don't fall.

[At least Joker doesn't fight against Ginko dragging his sorry drunk ass back up, a limp wet fish. Or. Well. A bird. Slumping back onto the branch, he rubs at his face.]

....Need ta get back home... [He means the trailer.] Doll'll...

[Rolling his L's is sounds like a mess, but, listen. Words. Wobbling a little, he pushes himself up and just kind of... flops against Ginko.]

[Oh, there's his hand. On the shoulder even, and not anywhere else.]

Yeah, that's the goal. [That name sounds familiar. Has more of Joker's family ended up here, then? At least he won't be left unattended like this.

Okay, there's step one.] There we go. Now, just hold on...

[He leans over to get his arms around Joker, just under his wings, and-- okay, hold on, first to try and get his wings more disentangled from those branches. Shit. Through some miracle, he manages it without dropping Joker. But they've still got to get down. ...And now Ginko is supporting Joker's weight as well as his own, and still working with hooves.

He turns carefully on the branch and scoots over to get his hooves on the next foothold down, holding Joker against him with one arm and keeping a grip on the tree with the other. Okay, good. Another step down, and another...] Definitely hold on, this might take a bit of--

[And then his hoof slips from its support, sending both of them plummeting a good ten feet to the ground. At least Joker has some cushioning between himself and the ground (though that might be worth more if he weren't a vampire already), but Ginko isn't so lucky.

There goes ALL THE AIR IN HIS LUNGS. Give him a moment.]

[If Joker was sober, he’d find this to be a great joke. So one deer tries to get another deer out of a tree, and one of them is drunk…]

[But then, if Joker were sober, they wouldn’t be in this situation. That is to say, on the ground. Having hit it.]

[The only good news for this whole mess is that, out of instinct from the sensation of falling, Joker gives a slight jerk and his wings start to flap partway. Granted- it doesn’t do much help, especially considering Joker’s drunken flying is what got him stuck in a tree in the first place. But at least it’s a slightly lighter than what Ginko might have otherwise got before Joker goes sprawling against him and his wings flap out to lay limply across them.]

[Joker just lays there for a second too, blinking and in a daze.]

….what happened?

[Ginko appreciates it; he does like not having his ribs broken.

He groans and starts working on sitting up as he catches his breath, keeping a hand on Joker's back so he doesn't end up just dumping him on the ground.]

We fell. Or... I did, sorry. You hurt or anything?

[Oh, okay, hand on his back, he'll just. stay down then.]

I'm dead.

[what do you mean that's not answering the question]

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