but all this time i've been chasing down a lie

[dontpokethat]

Who: Ginko and a whole bunch of people (Sans, Joker, Snake, Zecora, Tanyuu…)
What: In the aftermath of Foster’s shitty mushi plot, Ginko isn’t doing great.
When: From Day 90 onward
Where: Medical tent, trailer 13, and menagerie
Warnings: Possible talk of Foster’s shitty reasoning, also Ginko is a pile of depression and self-hatred in a trenchcoat.

Zecora - Medical Tent - Day 90 afternoon

Ginko was unconscious when Tanyuu first brought him in, bruised and scraped from the fight with Foster on top of his already being exhausted. After a certain point, though, he’s just… asleep, and remains that way through the night and well into the next day. The past few days - between the mushi leeching off his blood supply and the lack of sleep from trying to handle the infestations around the carnival and stressing himself out over them - have taken their toll.

Normally, he’d be pushing himself up the moment he woke up, always moving before his brain is even fully awake. But, today, he just lies there for a few seconds, staring up at the ceiling, before lifting a hand to press his palm over his face.

“...Shit.”

Tanyuu - Trailer 13

Once it’s been confirmed that he’s good to go (and he’s promised not to strain himself too much), Ginko and Tanyuu head back to their trailer. Of course, agreeing not to tire himself out more doesn’t mean Ginko isn’t going to want Tanyuu to catch him up on what happened while was out - what happened to Foster, what was being done about the repellent.

The whole time they’re talking, he keeps fidgeting, whether with his sleeves or his hair or just in the form of his tail twisting and lashing around his ankles. “So… things are being worked out, right? Just… that’s all I need to know.”

Snake - morning of Day 92 - Menagerie

By all rights, this should be the best off Ginko has been in the past several days. In a lot of ways, it is; with the mushi situation finally under control, things are more or less looking up - and, since the mushi that had been leeching off his blood are finally being removed, little by little, he should be feeling a lot better.

Should be. He is feeling better of course, but he’s still more tired than he’d normally expect, and getting himself to go back to work when the time comes proves something of a challenge. But it’s not like he’s never had this problem before, and he does get to the menagerie, albeit a little later than usual.

His ears flick forward when he sees Snake already there, and he gives a small wave as he heads over to watch him feed his snakes. “‘Morning. How are they doing?”

Joker - Menagerie

For all intents and purposes, Ginko seems to be settling back into his work as if everything is normal - though he may seem a little more singlemindedly focused on it when he’s working, and a little less focused on anything when he isn’t. Of course, he’s still having trouble bringing himself to seek out conversation outside of what’s necessary, but… that’s probably fine. Even now, part of him wonders if it might be for the best.

Even when cleaning out the enclosures, he doesn’t pause for long between stalls. Clear out the muck, wash what needs to be washed, change out bedding and food as necessary - it’s a simple, easy pattern to keep up. Like walking, putting one foot in front of the other; he doesn’t need to think for it.

Sometimes, not thinking can be a nice change of pace.

Sans - Barn

Breaks… might pose a problem. Theoretically he could just keep working through them, but the opportunity to pause for a while is more tempting than usual… even if as soon as he’s not working he starts wishing he were. He’s used to spending his breaks chatting, wandering around the carnival to visit with coworkers, but… no way. Not right now.

Which leaves one obvious solution. Going back to his trailer would take too long and probably get some questions from Tanyuu if she catches him. So, instead, he just… flops down on a pile of hay in the corner of the barn. He’s slept in worse places.

Comments

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Until I am satisfied
You're hale and well, with nothing to hide."

Thank you for behaving, Ginko; she honestly appreciated it, even as she drew up a chair to clamber into, the better to patiently regard him from it. A very rare sentiment from Zecora, who generally preferred to move around while talking and treating.

"Not your body. Instead
I worry about your head."

[dontpokethat]

"...My head? I mean, I might have hit it when I fell, but I don't think I've got a concussion or anything."

Ginko, no.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Zecora frowned at him. "You know that is not what I mean.
Talk now, Ginko, and come clean."

If she had to drag it out of him, she would, as they both well knew -- but she'd prefer he opened up of his own volition.

[dontpokethat]

Ginko's mouth twists into a frown. What else could she--

Oh.

"...I've... just been under a lot of stress lately. It'll pass, once this is... dealt with."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Call this idea wild,
But you sound too mild." Zecora knew Ginko way better than that. Especially after their conversation the other day, where he'd outright said she was only helping him because it was her job.

[dontpokethat]

"I know I... haven't been at my best. And I'm sorry about that." It's genuine, not a pointless placation. He hasn't been doing too well at watching what he says lately, and he knows it.

"But it's not like this hasn't happened before. I was just kind of thrown off, you know? It'll be fine."

Yep, totally normal and fine... and it may seem a whole lot like he actually thinks that, probably because he does.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Oh, Ginko. She didn't want apologies -- how he'd been lately was understandable, though certainly not IDEAL. She shook her head slightly, then looked back at him.

"You say it is fine
But this worry of mine
Is that 'fine' now is worse
That a persistent curse."

[dontpokethat]

He hesitates, and his shoulders shift in a movement that might be a shrug or might be him trying to shrink in on himself and escape the topic of his own mental state.

"It's... I mean, yeah, I don't feel great. But it's not the worst I've been. I can just wait it out."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

The zebra fixed him with a long look, the sort that ought to make it clear just what she thought of that plan and his general effort to downplay his own feelings.

"If you do it alone," Zecora said, as pointedly as if she'd directly jabbed him with a sharp obsidian hoof,
"You'll make me groan."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko winces a little. "...What do you want me to do, then?"

There might be a hint of frustration there, but it's a genuine question, all the same.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Talk to me," Zecora responded immediately,
"and let me see
What thoughts I find
Inside your mind."

If she could just get him to open up a little... well, it wouldn't solve everything, but it would help.

[dontpokethat]

...Right. Talking. In theory that shouldn't be too difficult.

In theory.

"What... what should I talk about?" He pushed his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment. "I don't even know where I'm supposed to start here."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Well... when one was conducting medicine, one sometimes needed to use a quick and precise strike to open up an abscess, the better to let the contamination flow out.

"How about the blame
You accrue to your name?"

[dontpokethat]

Ginko went still, then dropped his hand by his side again.

"...I know it wasn't actually my fault." His voice was quiet. Tired, hesitant. "But it couldn't have happened if I weren't here."

That was a simple fact, whatever anyone might say. This happened because of him, no matter how he looked at it.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

Zecora shook her head -- not because it was untrue, but because it was an irrelevant thought.

"A different zebra might be able
To keep their numbers culled and stable.
A different man might not know how
To stop the mushi as you do now.
A different Ringmaster might have stopped
The mushi from growing, so their numbers dropped.
You are just one puzzle piece.
In the greater whole, so let guilt cease."

[dontpokethat]

Once again, he doesn't respond for a while, mulling that over. It does make sense - that it took a specific set of circumstances for things to happen the exact way they did, that it would only have taken a tiny change to completely offset the entire sequence of events. But...

"...I guess so."

He may not sound totally convinced - not because he isn't convinced, but because... well. Even if it wasn't just him that brought this on, he's still part of how it happened.

...Ugh. He's just thinking in circles now.

"S'pose it doesn't matter too much now, anyway. Long as it's solved in the end."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"How you feel
Matters a great deal.
In the end
I am your friend
And I care.
And you're beginning to scare," Zecora said, quite frankly. Now that he was at least a little unwound, she could be that much more honest -- she was genuinely worried about him, and if her rhymes didn't make that clear, her expression, even equine, could leave no doubt.

[dontpokethat]

"...What if I don't know how I feel?"

It feels strange, saying it so simply. But he owes that much to Zecora. He wishes he could honestly tell her that he was alright, or even what was wrong, but... he's not sure either way. He's not even sure if he's feeling anything.

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"Then talk to me," Zecora said, simply,
"And we will see
If we can find
What's in your mind."

Being the Doctor didn't mean she cared only about the crew's physical health, after all. But this sort of ailment was trickier to treat, and here they needed to talk first, brew second.

[dontpokethat]

"...Right. I guess."

But he's... still not sure where to start, honestly. "I... how is this even supposed to work?"

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"So when this all began to start,
What was the first thing in your heart?"

Not specifying what "this all" was also was a little trick of hers, the better to see what HE thought was the origination of his mental troubles. Though as she asked this, Zecora stepped away just far enough to nudge a chair into position with her nose, then climb up on it.

[dontpokethat]

Perhaps predictably, Ginko's thoughts immediately went to the disappearance of his supply of mushi tobacco. "Uh... I mean, I was worried, I guess. And confused. I didn't... see why someone would bother taking all those plants."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"That is from up here," Zecora said, tapping her head with one hoof (very carefully, because they were sharp.) Then she lowered it down to her chest.
"But this is where I must peer."

[dontpokethat]

"...Right." Of course that would be how this worked. "I... I don't know, I was just... nervous. And frustrated, after a while. I knew people would get hurt if this wasn't fixed, and... well, they did. I didn't want people getting sick because of... because of what happened."

[zebrarhyme_everytime]

"If you're being honest and true," Zecora said, watching him carefully as she spoke,
"Was it 'because of that' or 'because of you'?"