lostcarnival | just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

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just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

Who: Everyone who's stupid enough to show up for this, because legal drinking ages are for people from a different century/planet.
When: Afternoon/Evening, Day 30
Where: Lakeshore
What: Local Carnival workers get wasted and set off fireworks by the lake.
Warnings: Carnival shenanigans, ie. booze, drugs, and people getting set on fire probably. Put any tag-specific warnings in your headers!

So, Wismuth happened.

Lambert's pretty willing to bet a good chunk of the Carnival is pretty happy to act like Wismuth didn't happen, but he also doesn't really care about what sorrows people are drowning or not tonight: he knows he needed this drink, and after he'd slept off the immediate exhaustion that came with running around Wismuth for nearly two weeks with the power of Creation more or less constantly burning through him, he's ready to something, anything to feel like himself again.

Fast-forward to the lakeshore. There's a huge bonfire going, a box of assorted fireworks that's been 'liberated' from wherever the hell engineering keeps their supplies, and probably a crate of wine that's going to disappear sooner rather than later. Anything else, someone's going to have to bring themselves.

[ ooc: This is a mingle log! Bring your own entertainment, food, questionable substances etc. ]

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"That's good," Strange responds, with an obvious tone of relief in his voice. The two of them had a pity party about how useless they felt. At least Peridot got to do something about that and help save Steven in the end.

Strange remains standing for a moment. He's got no idea how long this conversation will last or how good it's going to go. He won't sit down just yet. But what the hell to talk about now?

"She's a good friend. I'm glad you've got someone in the carnival who cares about you like that."

Eugh. Strange is making this really difficult, saying things like that. It makes him feel really sad inside, and he's been trying so hard to stay upbeat. He doesn't want to feel like he did as a Harbinger ever again.

He wraps his arms around his knees. Part of him is already saying, look how nice he's being! It must have been a fluke, a mistake. It must have been your fault. It was because you started it. You should give him another chance.

His stomach turns.

"I..." he starts in a small voice, shrinking at the shoulders. "...I don't know if I can be your friend, right now."

That's what this is, isn't it? Trying to be his friend? Or had he just been misreading Strange's interactions with him before? Probably. Dumb.

"That's understandable," Strange responds, with a little sigh. After all, it's not like they've had the world's best interactions. Going from attempted kidnapping to dumb fights with the gems to blatant manipulation isn't exactly a good track record and Strange has enough sense to realize that.

"But we do work together and will likely encounter each other during performances. This whole...business won't change the fact that we are coworkers and I'll help you out with performance things if needed."

Is there a good way to say 'just don't make this weird while we're at work?' Strange can't think of a good way to say 'don't make this weird,' so that will have to do. So he awkwardly pauses for a moment, shoving his hands in his pockets as he thinks.

"And I am sorry about the suggestion I made. I didn't expect you to take it that badly." He's not sorry he made it: Strange'll swear up and down that trying to pit CY-Ren against Nightshade would have been a good idea. He's just sorry he made that suggestion to Steven.

At least Steven has the benefit of being able to sense the general mood, so that he can know that Strange isn't secretly fostering anger or resentment at what Steven just said. The fact that he just accepted it makes it even more awkward and difficult in a way, though.

He's always so nice... except for when he's not.

"I, just..." Steven tries, feeling incredibly shitty, "...I thought you were going to be different. After the stuff you said when we got back from Portland. I thought you wanted to be friends. But..."

He shifts his position on the sand, his tail curling around him.

"Whenever something happens... it feels like you don't care at all." He's quiet for a few more moments, before: "When you said that to me... it made me really want to go after Nightshade myself, and... I couldn't get the feelings to stop. And I don't know what would have happened to me if I'd tried."

This conversation's going to last for a while, isn't it. So, Strange sits down on the sand, next to Steven. He props himself up on his elbows as he sticks his feet out.

It would just be so easy to explain this away with 'sorry Steven, I'm a terrible person, I know that about myself and hope you now know the same'...except Strange knows that there'll be more questions and justifications and that won't end up well at all. So, Strange pauses for a moment, thinking things over as he tries to find a way to explain this.

"I'm not good at thinking things through—Arabella reminded me of that almost every conversation we had." His tone softens a bit at just the thought of his wife before going back to the tentative tone it was before. "I'm especially not good at thinking things through once I've set my mind on something. And Nightshade..."

Well. That's a whole different set of issues. It's Strange's turn to hesitate as he grapples with his words, eventually settling on: "I thought CY-Ren fighting Nightshade was the best solution."

Is that explanation any good? He's not entirely certain it is. But hell, it's what Strange is going with. "Though what do you mean 'whenever something happens?'"

Steven is inclined to be pretty generous when it comes to forgiving honest mistakes and misjudgments, and so Strange simply saying he didn't think it through would generally gain him more slack than he possibly deserves. Still... somehow it's harder this time. Maybe just because of how vulnerable he's been lately.

"CY-Ren wouldn't have fought her," Steven says, shaking his head a little. "She... was like how we were. There's no point in fixing problems when you're just going to destroy everything anyway."

He feels a little frustrated, trying to explain what he means.

"I just mean... whenever things are hard, or... something bad is happening. Usually things are fine, but when... when it really matters... I don't know why you do things. I felt like you were just lying to me about being nice so you could... I don't know."

Strange pretty much has no idea how to explain this. Why do you do the things you do, well because he's him. How else would he answer this? He certainly doesn't have enough insight into his own personality to give Steven a good explanation. Strange mostly knows his flaws because people & prophecies helpfully spell them out for him.

"To be fair, other people also act poorly whenever we've got a terrible situation," said with a pointed look at Steven. Talking about you, Steven 'cries at the slightest hint of emotional distress' Universe. "And I've no reason to lie to you about anything."

Steven's frustration is making Strange a bit frustrated as well. He frowns slightly, leaning back on his elbows.

"Besides, I didn't know that about CY-Ren," Strange points out. "Nobody knew much about anything those first few days."

Steven just looks at Strange, completely failing to comprehend the implied diss. He would never really consider crying to be 'acting poorly', so he's got zero clue what's being referred to. He tilts his head a little, frowning.

"Just because other people are doing it doesn't make it okay..." he says, trying to understand. "I don't mean... making mistakes and stuff. Just... You're really nice to me most of the time, but then you get so mean..."

Which he is sort of familiar with, from other people he's known. He just knew those people a bit better than Strange.

How do you respond to this? Terribly sorry that I can be cruel and petty, I try not to, but it happens sometimes? Everyone's a little bit mean, it's just your misfortune you've hit the worst of it? Strange is trying to keep his voice calm and trying to explain this in a way that makes sense for Steven, but a little bit of aggravation can't help but crawl into his tone. He barely talks about things like feelings in the first place, he's got no idea what to do here.

"If I may say so, you get so sensitive. Other people are fine arguing with me and they don't take it as personally as you do. I argue with Childermass and Lambert all the time and neither of them seem to mind it."

Of course, the obvious thing here is that Lambert argues right back and Childermass is just permanently resigned to Strange's bullshit. Still, Strange doesn't seem to connect those dots just about yet.

Steven feels his eyes prickle with tears at the comment, at the way that Strange is just dismissing him - only to realize that's playing into exactly what Strange is accusing him of, which only serves to make him feel flustered and humiliated. He balls his hands into fists.

"I'm not Childermass or Lambert," he says, turning to look at Strange despite his embarrassment. "And... and if they decided they were upset at you because you talked to them like that, it would be completely fair! You're doing it again and... you're not even really sorry, are you?"

He feels betrayed all over again. He's honestly never really had someone critique his emotions before. It feels exceedingly harsh.

Oh my God, this is just proving his point. Strange just kind of blatantly stares at Steven for a moment, not entirely sure what to do now. How is he being mean! This is just pointing out the obvious and trying to find an explanation!

He looks away from Steven and bites down the urge to swear. Instead, Strange scrunches up his eyes in aggravation as he rubs the bridge of his nose. Why was it just like this with Steven! He could have plenty of conversations with other carnival members and plenty of conversations with other younger carnival members, why was it always with this particular child that things ended up going wrong?!

"Look, what do you consider being 'mean'? If you called me a skinny madman who can't throw a punch, would that be mean? Because that's not mean, that's simply the truth!"

It's missing the point, as often seems to be the case here. Steven doesn't want to lose his cool so soon after being a Harbinger, but it's really hard not to be frustrated. The things that make Steven the most upset is the cruelty he doesn't understand.

"Because! You're... You're just saying it's my fault for being sad!"

He forces himself to look away, leaning on his knees again. Lion, still napping off to the side, opens one of his eyes to watch them cautiously. Steven getting upset like that probably means something worth noting is up. Maybe.

Strange is also trying not to lose his cool. They're here for fun, this is supposed to be fun and getting drunk by the lake and not worrying about things, not arguing about dumb things like feelings. He just needs to remember that and force through this trainwreck of a conversation and then he can drink all the wine he wants.

He's still rubbing the bridge of his nose, paying no attention to Lion, as Strange takes a breath before continuing to talk.

"I'm not trying to say that," Strange explains, trying to deliberately choose his words. It's not Steven's fault he's sensitive. After all, if Steven could change this about himself, he would, right? Strange hopes so, crying is exhausting. "What I'm trying to say is that this explains why you react a certain way when I say things that I don't think are mean in the first place. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my suggestion in Wismuth and I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out how sensitive you are."

Steven's ears are still flattened, but at least what Strange says this time actually makes sense to him. If that's the reason why Strange didn't realize, and not a reason why what Strange does is okay. Unless Strange does think that? He's not sure.

Steven scales back his emotions a little, and tries to think about that carefully. It doesn't really check out.

"But you had to know you were hurting Lapis, before. I tried to just let everything go, I didn't want to be mad, but when it happened again in a different way..." His shoulders sink again. "It just gets really hard to trust you with stuff."

"I didn't know that what I was saying hurt Lapis as much as it did," Strange sighs. "And I am sorry about that. Peridot explained the situation later. If I had known the extent of how she was trapped in that mirror, I wouldn't have said those things."

And it's true. Strange was thinking along magical lines, a curse or a spell that one could break, not 'surprise, you currently don't have a physical form and can't reassemble said physical form for hundreds of years.' It was when Peridot explained the circumstances behind everything that Strange realized just how catastrophically awful he was.

Maybe this was the same sort of thing? Maybe if he talked to Steven and learned more about him then at least he could figure out what not to say or why he did the things he did. "That might be our problem too," Strange admits, with a little frown.

Because, at least for Strange, the problem is 'try and find a way to have a conversation with Steven without everything going to hell' not 'change an aspect of your personality.' At least, that's the problem at the moment.

As is his way, Steven responds to any inkling of regret on Strange's part viscerally, already turning to look at him with an expression of surprise and sympathy. For all there are probably things that Strange would be objectively better off if he stopped doing, Steven isn't hellbent on shaming anyone into changing.

If anything, he's desperate to find somewhere they can meet in the middle, and this feels like a welcome and unexpected invitation.

"Yeah, maybe," Steven says, flushing slightly as he looks back at his knees, but smiles a little at the same time. "Even... Even if I didn't want there to be, there's still a lot of things I'm kind of messed up about. Being a Harbinger made that really obvious."

"That makes two of us," Strange admits, as he leans back on the grass. Because considering the embarrassingly long litany of terrible decisions he's made, it's really no use hiding that Strange is messed up about a lot of things as well.

"How shall we do this? Should I say something I'm messed up about, then you, and so on? Or shall we ask each other questions?"

Strange is also smiling a little. Because this...is going good? He can do this, this is working.

That's more straightforward than Steven was maybe expecting. He looks confused for a moment, but then his smile widens a little into something a little bit more relaxed.

"You can say something first if you want," he says after a moment. "There's probably a lot I don't know about you, right?"

Smart move letting the person who won't shut up go first. Though Strange nods at Steven's question. Because he's right. There is a lot Steven doesn't know about him, just as there's a lot that Strange doesn't know about Steven. And maybe, just maybe this is as simple as his problem with Peridot and learning about each other would solve everything.

"Well, this one's fairly obvious: I'm married. My wife's name is Arabella and I miss her terribly." At least, it's fairly obvious to anybody who talks to Strange for a certain amount of time. He doesn't really shut up about Arabella. Still, that's possibly the biggest and safest answer for Strange explaining how he's messed up so that's what he's starting with. Plus, he might get to talk about how amazing his wife is!

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just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

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