[closed]

[pipers_son]

Who: Joker and Ginko
What: Dealing with the Rose Queen has brought to the surface some memories that would rather be forgotten.
When: Shortly before the camping stop
Where: The Menagerie
Warnings: The discussion and effects of parental-child abuse, eventually


If anything, he feels like sleep should be coming to him easier now that they've gotten Steven back.

Not only Steven, either, but everyone else who was taken from them- they got them back, too. Some of them, admittedly, not... entirely whole... but they were gotten back regardless. Better to go through some rough patches and come back then none and stay with creatures like that, right?

So he should be able to rest well, instead of the frantic anxiousness which had overtaken him when they'd all been planning and waiting, leaving him with short naps instead of proper sleep.

But he can't. In a way he can't explain, there's a switch of anxiety in him, a different sort of tension. It's as if he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if he's waiting for something to come crashing down on him.

And it is only him, when he takes a second to examine his feelings. For a while, he assume it's because of, well.... Everything else. The fae courts on them no doubt even harder, the things they all had to do, whatever flaming trainwreck is happening within the Nightrider.... That'd be enough to stress any of them out. He's pretty sure everyone is, on some level. But no. No, when he thinks of his anxiety, it's not for all of them, but him in particular. It's left him feeling as if he's a hair away from lashing out at someone, or breaking down into tears.

And he still has to talk to Doll, something which he's been avoiding because of all this. Fantastic.

At some time before, Joker knows what he would have done, which would have been force all of it down after trying to avoid his own family for ages, at least here in the carnival, before forcing himself through an unfortunate conversation. Now, however, well.... He knows there's an offer on the metaphorical table. It's just that picking it up, metaphorically, isn't doing anything for his stress.

Still. It's taken a couple of days, but here he is, trying to avoid Feathers' desire to still go up to his shoulder. The result is him, walking backwards in the menagerie, while he tries to reason with the human-sized owl.

"No. Noooo. Feathers- stop, don't ya flap yer wings like that at me. How have ya not realized that yer at least two feet taller now, ya dim tit?"

Feathers coos.

Comments

[dontpokethat]

Yeah, okay, how can Ginko resist that. He switches off the hose and hangs it over the edge of a stall, then goes over to pet Feathers' head gently. "Maybe he'll figure it out eventually. ...Or not, and you'll just keep having to fend him off forever."

Which would be incredibly inconvenient, admittedly, but, also: Hilarious.

[pipers_son]

"Oh, what a joy that'll be," Joker says under his breath, still smiling a little as Ginko goes over to pet the enormous bird. Feathers coos in delight, eyes squinting shut as he presses his head up into Ginko's hand.

Finally, someone who appreciates him.

But Joker didn't come here to be harassed by his bird. Admittedly, he doesn't want to talk about some of the things that have been bothering him, and it'd be easy to just stand there as Ginko pets Feathers, but.... "So," he says after an awkward moment of grappling with his own issues, "how was Doll?"

[dontpokethat]

At the mention of his talk with Doll, Ginko's smile fades. He keeps his eye on Feathers for a couple moments, still petting him, before looking to Joker.

"...She was pretty upset." No surprise there. He gives Feathers a final pat before tucking his hands in his pockets, keeping his gaze on Joker as he speaks, quiet and steady. It's a kind of shift that Joker has seen from him before, if only rarely, an easy slide into straightforward detachment - not cold, exactly, but it's certainly not the tone he was using a few seconds ago. This isn't information that he much wants to relay, but he has to, for Doll and Joker both.

“She feels like you don’t think about how your actions affect her, and you just brush her off when she tries to talk to you about it. She’s starting to feel like, no matter what she says or does, you’re not even going to try to change your behavior.”

[pipers_son]

Oof. Joker winces slightly and studiously avoids Ginko's stare in favor of watching Feathers try to nudge his head 'subtly' into Ginko's pocket. That's not exactly surprising to hear... but that doesn't mean it's something he likes hearing.

"Course I think about it," he says into his shoulder, which is hunched up uncomfortably. "But I have ta think about everythin' else, too. Everyone else. I did the same back home, in our England, too... but maybe it wasn't as noticeable."

A sigh heaves its way out of him. "Then again, back home, we didn't have ta worry about these kinds of thing, and it was only really ever our family I had ta think about."

[dontpokethat]

Dammit they're trying to have a serious conversation here. Ginko makes a halfhearted effort to nudge the enormous bird's face away, but it's kind of hard to make himself be particularly pushy with Feathers. ...Kind of like how it's getting harder to maintain this straightforward, impartial tone the longer he has to see Joker looking like that.

"I know you've got a lot on your shoulders - and so does Doll. But things like what you said on the radio are only going to make her feel like you’re using your responsibilities as an excuse to avoid acknowledging how much she worries about you.”

Ginko finally gives up on pushing Feathers away, and just... rests a hand on his head instead. And he keeps watching Joker, his tone softening despite himself. “...I know you’re still trying to adjust to her being here. But there’s got to be a better balance than this.”

[pipers_son]

Now that he's absolutely huge, Feathers is even more of a pain in the ass to ignore, it's true. Fortunately, he's also easily pleased. Ginko's hand on his head is all the bird needs to squint his eyes shut contentedly. If he understands the conversation that's going on now, well, it's hard to say.

At least someone is having a good time, at least. Joker wishes he could be that carefree. As it is, all he can do is bite back the urge to twist his mouth. Even with how much he knows he should be a little more open around at least Ginko of all people... Well. Old habits die hard. "There ain't a particularly good way ta reassure her," he says, swallowing back any frustration of his. "Half the time if I try ta say I'll be alright, it'll turn out a lie, and that means the other half when it's true means she won't believe me."

[dontpokethat]

"Then don't tell her you'll be alright."

He knows it sounds counterintuitive, so he doesn't wait long before explaining. "She knows you can't guarantee that, so of course it will only sound empty. What she needs to know is that you'll try to keep yourself safe - that you'll do what you can to come back."

Ginko takes a small step forward, and sets his free hand on Joker's shoulder. "And then you need to keep to that."

He's pretty sure they both know that what Joker does or doesn't say isn't really the problem here, when it comes down to it.

[pipers_son]

Somehow, being touched hadn't really factored into his thoughts of how this conversation would turn out. Joker starts a little from surprise, looking up at Ginko automatically. It still seems a little counterintuitive, honestly, but...

"I don't wanna talk ta her." It comes out not exactly as he wants it to, and Joker's mouth twists a little before he looks away again. Feathers is apparently finally cluing into something going on, and he shuffles a little closer to the pair of them. "I feel like I'm gonna snap at her, or somethin' awful. I always worry about that, with this sorta stuff, but it feels worse lately, for some reason."

[dontpokethat]

"There's a lot to worry about right now," Ginko replies simply. "And I'm guessing what we're dealing with here isn't much like what you're used to handling back home. But you know you've got to talk to her eventually. The longer you put it off, the worse things are going to get."

He couldn't stand to see things fall apart between Joker and Doll - and he knows they wouldn't want that, either. The problem is just in figuring out how to actually fix this.

"I'll help any way I can."

[pipers_son]

It's a good offer... He just wishes he could give it a solid answer. But how can he, when he doesn't even know what the problem is? At least, not definitively, not really. Still, he takes in a deep breath, eyes closing for a moment. If he can just... bite back his instinctive urge to lie and shy away...

"I don't know how ta calm down." The words leaves his mouth with some reluctance. "For the last while, it's just been- like all the adrenaline or whatever it is hasn't left me when it shoulda by now."

[dontpokethat]

Ginko frowns, and gives Joker's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "When did that start?"

[pipers_son]

"The part where we all got trapped in a room with a murderous high fae queen seems like a good start." His mouth twitches, trying to make a smile and add to some level of glibness, but it's not really working. "But that's done with. Innit?"

[dontpokethat]

"...Maybe so. But it sounds like the kind of thing that would stick with you."

Even not having been there, he can... certainly imagine. Because holy shit.

[pipers_son]

"But it wasn't even me!" There he goes- too snappish, too aggravated, and Joker takes in a sharp sudden breath as he squeezes his eyes shut. His hand reaches up, threading through his hair before inevitably bumping into one of his antlers.

"Nothin' much happened ta me," he says, voice a bit tight. He doesn't want to talk about this, and it's taking considerable effort to do so. "I didn't get stuck in the ground like a plant, and I didn't get buried alive."

[dontpokethat]

Under different circumstances, hearing that tone from Joker might make Ginko flinch - but he's gotten better lately at reading when Joker is on-edge, and, in this case, it's not a surprise to hear him get frustrated. He stands quietly, letting Joker calm himself a bit and speak again.

"You don't have to have been hurt directly to be affected by something like that. It seems like this all hit you pretty hard; it's not hard to imagine that could happen just by you being there."

[pipers_son]

He's a hair away from continuing his argument against Ginko when something seems to... click. His mouth, which had been opening to go on, closes again, and his gaze flicks away, sorting through the realization. After a second, he gives a dry and humorless laugh.

"Ah. Ha. No wonder."

Give him a second to bother with an explanation. He... needs it.

[dontpokethat]

...Well. Looks like they're getting somewhere.

Ginko will give him a moment to get his thoughts together, his ears swiveling forward curiously. "...What do you mean?"

[pipers_son]

Unsurprisingly, actually having to talk about it has Joker glancing away, foot tapping along the ground. Perhaps Feathers senses something is amiss, because he finally turns away from the idle attention Ginko has been lavishing on him. Instead, he just leans all of his feathery body against his trainer and begins to softly hoot.

Well. It's not a dog or a cat purring, but beggars can't be choosers. Joker rests one hand along the back of Feathers' head ."Just," he starts after a moment, taking in the details of Feathers' cloak, "might not have ta imagine it, I think."

[dontpokethat]

Thank you, Feathers, that seems pretty helpful. Ginko, meanwhile, finds himself pushing down his own curiosity, as seems to happen pretty often with Joker. Just give him time, nudge him a bit.

"...You've had something like that happen before?"

The faintest outline of an idea is starting to form in Ginko's mind. But it's too soon to be making assumptions about what Joker is thinking of.

[pipers_son]

"Didn't get my limbs stuck in the ground, if that's what ya meant," Joker says, which is the same half deflection as he often employs. It's second habit; he can't help it. It takes him another second or two, with half of his face resting in Feathers' head, before he adds anything else.

"...And the fake parent bit, maybe." More than just the fake parent bit, too.

[dontpokethat]

He almost expects that initial deflection at this point, and doesn't see any reason to comment on it. He just waits until Joker speaks up again.

...Yep. That confirms that. He gives a quiet, sympathetic hum, and... squeezes Joker's shoulder again, because hell if he knows what else to do here. "Of course something like that would throw you off. It's not an overreaction."

[pipers_son]

"Sure seems like one," he mutters in the direction of Ginko's hand, face turning against Feathers' coat. "I didn't want ta think about it at all. S'not-" One hand rises up, a jerky tense gesture that doesn't go anywhere before he lets his arm swing back down again.

"Been tryin' not ta think about it for years now." Because that's always a solid plan.

[dontpokethat]

"...Then of course it will feel like an overreaction."

Once again, this is seeming... painfully familiar. That seems to happen sometimes, when he and Joker get into talking about... this kind of thing. Boy he hates it.

"If you get into the habit of setting your own feelings aside, those that you can't ignore will always feel like they're too much. More than you should be experiencing. That doesn't mean that they actually are, or that you should feel bad about feeling the way you do."

[pipers_son]

Once, Joker had compared Ginko to a mountain, a homey kitchen filled with herbs and other such things. He still maintains all of that is true, of course, in the vivid green of Ginko's eyes and the line of his shoulders... but it's more than just that. It's how he says things like that, how his hand stays firm and solid on Joker when he feels like he might burst apart, lost to the faintest breeze.

The Rose Queen had been all the glitz and glamour of nature, with her vines and rose monsters. Yet it's standing here with Ginko just as he is that makes Joker feel like he's in rolling forests and the aching rise of hills he can remember from his home.

England had been garbage with its rotten gutters and apathetic countrymen, but Joker can't help miss its greenery sometimes.

"Sure feel bad," he says instead of voicing any of that. "Could do without it, quite bleedin' frankly."

[dontpokethat]

The corner of Ginko's mouth quirks in a wry, sympathetic smile, and he gives Joker's shoulder a little squeeze.

"That... would be nice, yeah. But trying to ignore what you're feeling won't help it to go away. It's best to just... accept it for what it is, and give it time. ...And talk to those around you."