lostcarnival | but oh my heart is flawed // closed

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but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Who: Joker and a whole bunch of people (Tamaki, Psionic, Childermass, Ginko, Doll, Hinawa)
What: After a good couple of years faking it, Joker finally breaks. He just wishes that multiple people didn't see it.
When: Early on in the Alola stop
Where: A couple places, including in a tree
Warnings: Alcohol. Joker's messed up past including child murder. A slight mental break.

[Snake is leaving.]

[Joker see it coming a mile away. All the bits of packing in their tiny shared space, and... Who couldn't see such obvious signs? But even with that kind of warning.... He doesn't do anything about it. Tries to ignore it, get back to work and do what he can, because the alternative is facing not only that hurt but so much else.]

[But there's no ignoring it when he steps into the trailer and all traces of Snake are gone.]

[Keep smiling and move forward. For years, that's been the only way he's been able to survive. Keep moving, keep making for over the hill, and until then, so that no one worries or sees too much... Keep smiling.]

[The words repeat through his head as he moves through the darkened carnival, a mantra to keep him going.]

[Just.... keep smiling.]

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[As it turns out, that's not good enough.]

[He doesn't even know how it happens. Just- one minute, he's making his way through the trees, right side starting to ache distantly again, and it just- he crumples. Literally, feet tripping beneath him, body curling into itself, and Joker takes in a wet ragged breath as his eyes sting.]

[What could he have done better? The question haunts him, along with its myriad of answers. He should have had a better plan for getting past that vampire when she was making a toy out of him. He should have forcibly escorted Snake to safety in Celebration before someone could have taken him. He should have convinced him not to take a contract in the Carnival to start with.]

[But further back, even- all the things he should have done with Father, with the Circus, with listening to Beast and, God help him, but maybe none of them would be in this mess.]

[He should have, he should have, he should have.]

[Weaving unsteadily, hand pressed against his face as he chokes back a sob, Joker finds a tree nearby and collapses against it with his wings spread out limply. For all his fight, the tears still come, and he gasps and makes pathetic little noises in his effort to fight against them. He's too close to the other trailers now, could get seen or heard, but he can't even manage to care right now. There's just the tears, forcing their way out against his will, and oh he must make an ugly sight as he bows his head and nearly chokes on his own voice.]

[He should have just flown to the bleedin' ferris wheel if this is what was going to happen.]

[Tamaki just so happens to be on his way to his own trailer when he hears what sounds suspiciously like someone crying. Unable to just ignore something like that, he starts to weave through the trees, looking for the source of the noise.

But he wasn't expecting to find Joker, though maybe he shouldn't be surprised.]

Um... Manager...? [His tone is soft and worried. Joker is visibly upset, and while Tamaki doesn't really know how to handle this kind of situation, he has to at least say something.] What's wrong?

[Shit.]

[Joker sucks in a breath of air so fast that he’s not sure how he doesn’t choke from it. He wants so badly to just turn the tears off, make it like nothing’s happened, but they won’t stop although at least he’s stopped making any noise. Wheezing in a breath again and coughing a little, he tries to fake one of his usual smiles.]

[All things considered… It doesn’t come off as he’d like it to.]
Tamaki- ah, sorry! Just- allergies, I guess, ended up gettin’ inta a coughin’ fit. [It’s a blatant lie, but he’s hoping it doesn’t get questioned.] Just- could ya go up and get some medicine or somethin’ like that from Zecora?

[Tamaki hesitates, because he's normally willing to listen to Joker, but that doesn't sound right at all. This doesn't look like the work of allergies, or any other inconsequential illness Tamaki knows of. It just looks like, well, like Joker is crying, a lot.]

Um, are you sure, Manager? [He knows Joker probably won't like it, but he comes closer, so he can better see Joker's face in the gloom.] I can go get someone... uh, you're dating someone? [He thinks it might be the Psiionic because he called him cute that one time.] So I can go get him. [Yeah he's basically assuming that now.]

[Joker makes sure to keep his head down, doing his best to hide what he can of his face. Not because he’s ashamed- Well. Not entirely because he’s ashamed. But…. There’s a lot of downsides to being a vampire, and this is one of them: blood replacing what should be simple clear tears. Tamaki’s a kid, a good kid- he shouldn’t see a sight like that.]

[So busy trying to keep his face hidden, he doesn’t entirely catch what Tamaki is saying, or else he’d find it a lot more hilarious in some part of his mind. For now, he just shakes his head.]

It’s fine…

[Not his most convincing argument.]

Stop it! Don't say that!

[Tamaki can't help the sudden raise in his volume or the heat in his tone. He can tell Joker is not fine, that he's being lied to, and he's frustrated because he doesn't know what to do. Joker wants to keep insisting that nothing's wrong, so Tamaki doesn't know what exactly is wrong-

He punches a tree.

Maybe a little too hard, because the sturdy plant makes his hand smart immediately, the skin on his knuckles scraped. He doesn't regret it, though - taking his frustration out on the tree is better than taking it out on anyone else, Joker himself in particular.]

I'm going to go get him. [It's better than staying here and messing up, even though he doesn't want to leave Joker alone.] Okay? Stay here.

[It might not be particularly surprising, but no one has ever yelled at Joker before. At least, not in calling him out. Sure, angry customers, vampires- Father. But they never pointed directly at the things he's always done to try and hide himself. Just anger for not doing as they wanted him to do.]

[When it came to his family, the only ones he ever has been close to and carried the same dark secret.... Sadness, solemness or pleadings, quiet weighty things that nonetheless couldn't break through. Beast, especially- the others never really tried to convince him like she did.]

[So Tamaki suddenly yelling? The thump of his fist against a tree? Joker jolts a little, looking up with wide eyes where the corners are just faintly smeared with blood. He opens his mouth, but for once? He can't find the word.]

[Get him while he's still stunned, Tamaki.]

[The bloody eyes, faint as it may be, similarly stun Tamaki for a moment. Not quite realizing it's a vampirism side-effect, Tamaki can't help but feel his panic rise. Joker has been bleeding. That has to be bad.

But at least Tamaki's yelling has temporarily stunned Joker into submission. Tamaki doesn't like that he did that, but he can't deny it was effective.

He hesitates for one second longer, then takes off running. Having a radio would make this easier, and luckily his trailer isn't too far away.

He manages to garble out something that mostly consists of, "Manager, trees, was bleeding, said it was allergies, lying, needs help." It's in the Psionic's hands now.]

The Psionic isn't totally sure what to expect after hearing Tamaki's panicked and mostly incomprehensible message. He knew something was wrong with Joker, and vaguely the direction he was heading towards, but other than that the true details of the situation escaped him. It was hard to believe Joker was in any real danger. Aside from that bit with the agents the carnival was relatively safe for the people who worked here. It's true they were connected to a new world at the moment, making travel between the realms possible, but for someone not contracted to get in before performance week was pretty strange to consider. Even stranger was the thought that something dangerous could be happening and only affecting Joker without any security members already being in the know.

When he sees the situation for himself, however, he understands why Tamaki seemed so panicked. Psi didn't know exactly why, but he knew Joker didn't like others to worry about him. He thought it was pride that kept Joker smiling at everyone no matter the circumstances, or perhaps a strong unwavering devotion to looking only at the positive side of things. Needless to say, even working at the carnival as long as he had been the Psionic hadn't ever seen Joker looking quite like this.

He moves forward hesitantly. He doesn't know what's wrong, but already his heart aches in sympathy for his friend. He knows Joker doesn't like being asked things questions about possible injuries and bad experiences. He knows Joker just last week had basically told him to fuck off for asking if he was hurt. Still, he can't just leave when Joker is acting like this. Carefully he reaches out to put a hand on Joker's shoulder, kneeling down to sit beside him.

"Hey... I heard something about allergies?"

In the time that Tamaki has been gone, Joker has sort of just... resigned himself to sitting where he was left. It's half possible that getting yelled at has actively stunned him into not being a complete pain in the ass for once, but also, well... He's just tired, too, weighed down by too damn much. Still, he's trying to keep most of his face hidden when Psi finally arrives, wooden fingers curled around forehead and wings still limply sprawled out.

At least the question makes him laugh a little. Sure, it's a mirthless gust of air that barely qualifies, but still.

"Looks like," he says dully, not even trying to put much effort into the lie. The cat's out of the bag, as they say. "Did ya know Tamaki thinks yer my boyfriend? Kids." He's a teenager, but whatever, Joker is getting near his thirties, he thinks he's allowed to say that.

It's such an empty reaction. Even when he speaks, he'd normally sound so amused and instead the words are just blank, like there's no point in finding the humor in it. He didn't know Tamaki thought that, but smiles weakly when he hears it. Maybe if they weren't both so broken something like that might have been possible, in a different reality. Joker looks awful, his face stained red from his tears, his wings a mess, the Psionic wouldn't even be surprised if Joker mentioned he'd lost a few feathers from whatever stress had caused this.

Maybe Joker would want him to keep talking about something inane. He honestly debates it for a second. Should he let his friend return to some semblance of normality? He could pretend nothing was wrong, easily. Or, should he try to help, to really help with whatever Joker's problem could be? He never was very good at being the conciliatory partner in his relationships, but right now maybe that's what Joker needed. He honestly isn't sure which choice is best. Maybe he should leave it up to Joker to decide.

"...I'm guessing a boyfriend isn't what you need right now."

For a split second, he almost considers saying that he doesn’t deserve someone that close. That if anyone deserves anything, it’s better than him, and Psi especially. Get him someone that would be kind and good and great in bed who could make him laugh. He deserves that, Joker thinks. He doesn’t deserve someone with the kind of blood he has on his hands, who’s done what he’s done.

But that’s a bit too much, and he stays his tongue on that. Just like before, with Beast- and he keeps thinking of Beast in comparison to Psi, a fact that makes him feel guilty- he shifts away from that. He just rubs at his face instead, like that can clear away the leftover blood and make him new again. “Probably not,” he admits. “Sorry he went and grabbed ya from whatever ya were doin’.”

"Don't." He wants to say that helping a friend is more important than anything else he could have been doing, but he doesn't. Even if he did it felt like Joker the way he was now wouldn't believe it. The Psionic can tell him not to apologize at least. He doesn't tell Joker how panicked Tamaki seemed either. He didn't know for sure what happened between them, but he didn't want Joker to feel guilty about it, whatever 'it' was. No, what Psi really wanted was to make a difference this time, to pay back the friends who gave him the kind of joy he hadn't know for too many sweeps. He hasn't yet found a way to do it, but that didn't mean he was going to stop trying.

He reaches out to catch Joker's hand, mostly trying to make the other man look at him more than anything else.

"What do you need?" he says, the question somehow plaintive as it leaves him. "Let me help you."

He releases Joker's hand, letting him do what he wants with it, but there's a certain pleading to his eyes, and his posture is almost desperate, his muscles tense as though ready to fight.

"Please."

All he has is his single hand to rely on- from the streets to now. Even when he was given his prosthetic, with how much he did and how rudimentary it was, it broke all the time more often than not. And even then.... Prosthetics couldn't feel like flesh and blood could.

It's no longer that any more, but that doesn't mean the pressure of Psi's hand bypasses him, and he jolts slightly, eyes flicking up to him. What does he need?

...Psi doesn't want to know the answer to that question.

He has to look away, hand curling at his stomach, as he flounders to figure out what to say. The question hounds at him: what does he need? For his family to be safe. For him to do something right for once in his life when the rest of him is broken without hurting anyone else. For everyone he cares about to get the better life they deserve without being punished for wanting beyond their station...

"Things I can't have," he finally admits quietly, reaching up to grip one of his antlers again.

He can't know Joker's situation. He doesn't have the personal details and he doesn't understand the context. Human culture seems varied across the multiverse, and it's hard enough for him to grasp the things they have the most in common. Human stations, the sort of class system Joker knows, it's beyond him.

He does know what it feels like to want something he can't have. It's a feeling he's known all his life. Even if he didn't though, the way Joker clutches his stomach before grasping his horn would make his heart swell with sympathy. It's too complicated, it's not something the Psionic can fix. That doesn't mean there's nothing he can do. His head drops, seeing Joker clutch at himself is too painful, to reminiscent of a troll grasping their own horns in an attempt to drown out other sensations. He takes a breath, steadying himself before he looks to Joker again.

"Come to my hive." his voice is gentle, but insistent. It's clear from his tone and expression that Joker's feelings are affecting him, but he doesn't let it hinder his speaking. "We can talk... I'll take care of you."

More than anything he wants to help, he knows it's not something he can fix directly, but maybe he can still do something. He hopes he can. He hopes Joker will let him.

Edited 2017-04-25 05:22 (UTC)

That's the problem: he doesn't want to talk. All he wants to do is hide somewhere dark and suffocating, let it drown everything else until he can put on the so reliable mask he's kept on before, and act like this never happened. Like Snake doesn't (rightly) blame him for what happened, like he hasn't broken down.

He just wants to sweep it all under the rug.

But looking at Psi, tired and wanting to help.... It's hard to refuse the offer to at least go with him. So, exhausted himself, Joker just gives a limp nod.

Maybe by the time they get up there... he'll be able to fake it all again.

He finds himself relaxing. He's relieved, even a bit hopeful, though his friend is in such clear pain. Maybe he could help, maybe things would get better. After so many things had gone wrong for all of them, maybe there was still a chance things could be okay. He nods back, standing before reaching out with his hand to help Joker up as well.

"Can you walk okay?" He doesn't know why Joker's on the ground, but he assumes it's because he's hurt.

"I'm fine." This is quite obviously a huge lie, but, well. On a physical level, it's true. Besides being dead. Still, he reaches up to accept the hand anyway and pushes up with his feet to get up. He can manage that much, at least.

The physical aspect of the question was specifically what he was asking for. He's glad at least, that Joker can stand up. Now they just had to give walking a try. He holds his hand out, even after Joker's standing on his own, because he isn't sure what made the human collapse the first time or if it might happen again. He's pretty clearly worried and unsure, but there's another feeling there too. It's something close to confidence, or maybe even pride. That Joker's agreed to let him help, even though he's worried, that gives him some small amount of hope that things will get better. It's probably one of the bigger differences between them, Psi still believed things could get better. There's a future where he isn't so lucky, strung up and forced into an eternity of motionless servitude, but he's yet to have that last bit of joy stamped out of him, so for now he lets himself believe that change is possible.

It doesn't take them too long to get to the Psionic's trailer. Hopefully they both make it in one piece. Psi let's Joker get settled inside at the table while he debates on how to proceed.

"Do you want... A drink?"

Edited 2017-05-01 20:33 (UTC)

There's no disaster, no collapse, not even a stumble. Joker walks perfectly fine. Well. He walks, at least, but there's no casual stroll or energetic quick footed pace. All he does is... walk, quiet and subdued.

It's a relief when they finally reach the trailer, and Joker glances away as Psi asks his question. Something to drink, huh? "Don't think ya have anythin' that would suit me," he says, not explaining further.

Right. He closes his eyes, face coloring in embarrassment as he realizes what Joker must mean. Joker still hadn't been able to get rid of the vampire infection. He's never seen Joker like this before, mood so dour, and now he'd probably made it worse by forgetting how he'd been turned. He sighs, before turning back to sit down with his friend, at a loss for what to do. The whole walk here Joker had been silent. He can't believe leaving his friend in a heap in the woods was the right idea, and yet he isn't certain this was the right one.

"I guess... Some kind of distraction then?"

A distraction...

"I could get you off?"

That almost makes him want to smile again. Dry and brief, yeah, but a smile. Back to the same stand bys as usual, right? Fuck... Maybe that's what he needs. The only question is if he'll even be able to get it up but...

Well. No better time to find out, right?

So he let out a breath, nodding. An attempt is made to smile. "Yeah. Wouldn't mind that."

At least he attempts to smile. Psi smiles too, glad to see his suggestion accepted.

"Alright then." And then he stands, grabbing Joker's hand to lead him over to the bed, mostly because it's the most comfortable place to sit. There's certainly not enough room for them to do anything with the bench seating near the kitchen table. On the bed there's plenty of room for whatever they might get up to, like for example, Psi leaning close to give Joker a kiss.

Cue makeouts.

Cue makeouts indeed.

And hey- at least Psi isn't alone with fumbling with stupid asshole fangs. A learning experience for everyone.

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but oh my heart is flawed // closed

Tamaki and Psi

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Time Skip

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